WrestleMania 33: The full rundown and why you should care

WrestleMania 33 has 13 matches, so let’s skip the preamble and get right to it. The main card of Mania 33 begins at 7 p.m. ET on the WWE Network and pay-per-view, while the kickoff show will start at 5 p.m. ET. We are in for a long night, but it could be a wonderful night, too!

What am I looking at here? Each year for the last four years, in memory of Andre the Giant, WWE hosts a battle royal at WrestleMania and hands out a trophy to the winner. It’s like the Stanley Cup if the Stanley Cup was a statue of Andre the Giant instead of a cup.

There are a number of key wrestlers each year with a real chance of winning what we affectionately call The ‘Dre, but much of the 20 some-odd wrestlers in the match are ones who aren’t involved with anything else on the card. And that’s pretty cool for those performers because Mania paychecks come but once a year.

Why you should care: Braun Strowman is in it! Braun Strowman prepared for The ‘Dre by lifting trees. Wrestlers weigh less than trees, so, uh, sorry, all you wrestlers who Braun Strowman is going to lift and throw over the ropes with ease. Sami Zayn is also in it, and Sami Zayn is the ultimate underdog you can’t help but root for. He’s a possibility to win, too, but the smart money is on someone screwing Zayn out of winning, which sadly is Sami’s lot in life. But that’s why we love him: for the times he overcomes.

What am I looking at here? Austin Aries is the one wearing the jacket that no credible good guy would wear. Of course, Austin Aries is only a good guy relative to his opponent, Neville, the Cruiserweight Champion and self-proclaimed King of the Cruiserweights, who may or may not sit on a throne made out the bones of his opponents.

What? You can’t prove he doesn’t.

Why you should care: It might be on the preshow, but like with the Andre, it’s because something has to be. These two should be able to tear things up, and Aries is the first real challenge that Neville has had as champion. Neville is built like the dad from The Incredibles once he’s superbuff again, but if he was also like 5’7. When you’re all shaped like that and also you’re in a division where the max weight is 205 pounds, well, you’re probably going to outclass everyone. Aries, though, has the in-ring smarts of a heel and a submission move that might ground the man that gravity forgot.

What am I looking at here? Alexa Bliss became the first two-time SmackDown Women’s Champion after Naomi was forced to relinquish the belt following a knee injury suffered in the match in which she took the title from Bliss. Alexa decided to go to the ring and brag about how much better she was than everyone else in the division. And since she annoys her boss, Daniel Bryan, on the reg, Bryan decided that Bliss’ opponent at WrestleMania 33 would be every available woman in the division.

Why you should care: For one, Alexa Bliss is dope as hell. But even better will be if she loses the title to Naomi again, who had the championship for less than 48 hours before having to give it up after waiting years and years to finally win gold in WWE. They aren’t the only two quality performers you should have feelings about in this match, though: Mickie James is looking to tie Trish Stratus for the most women’s titles in WWE history, Becky Lynch has been screwed out of winning the title back from Alexa on multiple occasions, and Natalya and Carmella could both do a lot with the title given their current jerk characters should they manage to come out on top.

What am I looking at here? RAW doesn’t really use more than a handful of tag teams at a time — that’s why New Day went from setting the record for longest championship reign to making fun of Titus O’Neil to hosting WrestleMania 33 — but they have had these three teams floating around each other for some time now.

Enzo and Big Cass are the tiny one and the big one who will do a whole lot of talking in heavy New York accents. Anderson and Gallows are the less tiny one and the also big one who are both bald with beards and are very much the bad guys here. Cesaro is a Swiss James Bond who does things only Street Fighter characters are capable of, and Sheamus is the one who looks like a World of Warcraft character who does all the level grinding in bar fights.

Why you should care: Well, ladder matches are generally great. Tag team ladder matches tend to be pretty bonkers. So even though the build to this hasn’t been the best, the match can make up for it, especially if Cesaro decides to launch little Enzo into space. Sorry, Enzo, nothing personal. But you’re tiny and Cesaro is strong, and I want to see what happens when you put those two facts together.

Also, the Hardy Boyz might return to WWE for this match. It’s not a given, but they aren’t under contract with Impact anymore, and there have been whispers and open flirtation between the two sides. And they are also the only one of these four teams known for ladder matches.

Even without the Hardys showing up, though, all the things that could make this match a good time still stand.

What am I looking at here? Dean Ambrose is wrestling in jeans, and he’s been in an escalating feud with Baron Corbin that involves forklifts. There are unlikely to be forklifts in the match itself, not unless it suddenly gets some kind of hardcore stipulation. But it’s OK either way: Baron Corbin is literally the most metal athlete — he won an award for it and everything — and is also a wolf aficionado and possibly the son of Undertaker.

That last part is not true, but only in the sense they haven’t revealed my truth to the rest of the world yet.

Why you should care: Dean Ambrose is almost always a good time against bigger dudes, and Baron Corbin is 6’8, a former Gold Gloves champion, former grappling champion, a former college and pro football player, and the winner of last Mania’s Andre Memorial Battle Royal — which he won in his main roster debut! He has a real chance of being WWE World Champion before next year’s Mania, and an Intercontinental Championship run would put him on the path to that.

What am I looking at here? It all started with Nikki Bella being thrown into Maryse backstage by Natalya — twice! — and then Maryse responding by attacking Nikki with a pipe. Maryse has a grudge against Nikki, and Maryse’s husband, Miz, has always had a rocky relationship with John Cena. So when Cena eliminated Miz from multiple WWE World Championship opportunities over the span of a few weeks, Miz decided he was tired of Cena getting in his way, evolving two old feuds into new ones with all kinds of new angles to work. For example:

There are four of those videos. I suggest you watch all of them because they get dark.

Why you should care: This match is marrying SmackDown Live, Total Divas, and Total Bellas plotlines into one glorious mixed tag match, and it should be awesome. Also, Miz and Maryse have been ripping on Cena and Nikki hard for their relationship being fake and the fact they’re not — and never will be — married. Cena and Nikki have had discussions for years now on Total Divas about this, and Nikki seemed resigned to a life without the marriage she wants with the man she has.

This could all change at WrestleMania 33! Win or lose, we might see John Cena propose to Nikki Bella. Have they already agreed to be engaged off camera? Is John Cena still debating whether he should try marriage again? Will Nikki take Fake Nikki’s tactic and propose to John in front of millions, forcing him to finally confront the situation he’s refused to attack head on for years?!

I AM VERY INVESTED IN THIS PERFECT WRESTLING FEUD AND ALSO THEIR LOVE.

What am I looking at here? Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho were best friends. Then Kevin Owens turned on Jericho for two reasons: One, his boss, Triple H, told him to, and two, Jericho threw Owens the “Festival of Friendship” and got Owens a ton of weird (but awesome) art and then brought out Gillberg instead of coming up with a plan to defeat Goldberg and Owens snapped, both metaphorically and also in the sense that he brought art crashing and breaking down over Jericho’s head.

You should read this if you want the full breakdown of the Festival of Friendship, which was one of the great RAW segments — not just of the year, but in general. Sorry, I can’t do it justice in a blurb!

Why should you care: Didn’t I already suggest you read that breakdown? Ugh, fine. Jericho is doing some of the greatest work of his career. Kevin Owens is one of WWE’s modern-day greats. They’re in a blood feud, and it’s going to be ugly. Which means it’s going to be beautiful.

What am I looking at here? Bayley is the current RAW women’s champion. Charlotte Flair and Sasha Banks are the only other two — not just in this match, but ever — to win that title, which was introduced at WrestleMania 32 last year. The three of them have been going at it for much of that time, with Bayley sort of replacing Becky Lynch as the third piece in what is going to be a career-spanning feud for all of them.

Nia Jax is unlike any other woman in WWE — her theme even says so! She’s a powerhouse who has learned that she is capable of wreaking havoc on everyone who is not her. As this is an elimination match, the other three might need to work together to stop her, or else Nia Jax is going to be the next RAW women’s champ.

Why you should care: These four are the future and present of RAW’s women’s division, and while they also seem to be the only women featured on the show with any kind of regularity, their story has still been (mostly) well told. Will Sasha Banks turn on Bayley when the title is at stake? Will Charlotte work together with her old two friends, who she turned on long, long ago, to stop Nia Jax? Will Nia just lift all three of her opponents up in one Samoan drop and then pin all three after leg dropping them at the same time?

That would be pretty great, actually. Let’s do that.

What am I looking at here? AJ Styles is the greatest wrestler in the world. Shane McMahon is not. That doesn’t mean Shane lacks the ability to entertain, because he excels at putting his body in serious and unnecessary risk to make us react. The combination of the two might seem a little odd — fans were dying for Styles to wrestle John Cena again or for Shinsuke Nakamura to come up to face him, and WWE even approached Shawn Michaels to come out of retirement to face Styles. Don’t let that all distract you from the fact that Styles is the one guy capable of making a Shane match memorable for more than just whatever ridiculous, bad idea Shane has that involves jumping off something tall.

Why you should care: SmackDown has done a great job of making Styles the bad guy here in spite of his popularity. Shane McMahon actually supported Styles’ quest to wrestle for the WWE World Championship at WrestleMania, but Styles decided to take out his frustration on SmackDown’s boss anyway by beating the heck out of him in a parking lot and then shoving Shane’s head through a car window.

It’s possible that this feud and match ends up pushing Styles from SmackDown to RAW, which could have some real repercussions for both rosters, given how key Styles is to the main event scene on Tuesdays.

What am I looking at here? You know who the Undertaker is. He’s just older than you might remember and maybe starting to show it. In fact, this could well be Taker’s last-ever match in WWE, with Roman Reigns the one to finally vanquish him. Reigns is superhandsome and the one getting booed the entire time regardless of whether he’s being great or not. Spoiler: He is probably being great, but the decision to boo him was made a long time ago.

Why you should care: Reigns is real good and only getting better as he embraces the fact that the crowd is just going to hate on him regardless of what he does or says. It feels like WWE is pushing him into situations now where he gets to lean far more heel than face: He’s not a heel, not really, but maybe this is the start of WWE giving him a more defined role. Taking out the Undertaker, one of the most popular wrestlers ever, would certainly increase the boos.

And if this is indeed the last Undertaker match, well, you’re going to see something special whether the match is great or not.

What am I looking at here? Seth Rollins used to be Triple H’s handpicked champion and representative of the Authority, but then Aitch decided Kevin Owens was a better fit for the role, which means he cast Rollins aside. Rollins, while standing up to Triple H earlier this year, was attacked by another bit of Authority muscle, Samoa Joe, who wrecked Rollins’ knee (for real). Rollins is now recovering from a significant knee injury and in a nonsanctioned match because of it — so that he can’t sue WWE when Triple H tries to destroy his livelihood forever.

Why you should care: Allow me to borrow (from myself) from an earlier discussion of this match:

Defeating Triple H is no longer about Rollins exacting revenge for the betrayal that was always inevitable once Aitch found a shiny new toy he could manipulate. It’s about Seth coming to terms with his past and making sure he’s the one in charge of his future. Rollins doesn’t even necessarily need to win at WrestleMania 33 in order to achieve these goals: What matters is that he trusts himself once again, likes himself once again, and is willing to fight for redemption and what he believes in. Even if Triple H wins this Sunday, what Rollins has managed (and will manage) to accomplish in that nonsanctioned fight could be the final step toward true reconciliation with the brothers he turned on. And when that happens, we’ll all remember the RAW where Seth let us know he had once again found himself.

What am I looking at here? Goldberg has had a successful return to WWE, but you can also count the seconds he’s wrestled for them since coming back in November without using four digits. Brock Lesnar has been made to look like an absolute nerd every time he gets in a ring with Goldberg, which is not a thing that happens to Brock Lesnar ever. This is the last chance for Lesnar to turn things around and show that Goldberg doesn’t absolutely own him.

Why you should care: The match probably won’t be special now that they’ve used up all the surprise factors just to get to this point — it was assumed this would be a one-and-done back when they squared off at Survivor Series, and I don’t just mean fans were thinking that was the case. However, the probable moment when Brock Lesnar avoids that spear that’s been his doom each time they’ve faced off and then wraps his arms around Goldberg for the first of many German Suplexes ... that moment and the realization that dawns on Goldberg’s face is going to be real good.

What am I looking at here: Earlier this week, I wrote a feature specifically about what you are looking at here, because that’s what was required to explain this glorious wrestling feud.

The short version, if you’re pressed for time, looks something like this:

Why you should care: This has been a wonderful long-term feud for SmackDown that began well before Bray Wyatt won the WWE World Championship or Randy Orton had won the Royal Rumble. It’s totally ridiculous and occasionally nonsensical, but in both instances, in the way that makes pro wrestling a beautiful, distinct art form.

And yes, I am saying that about a feud involving swamp hillbilly cults and arson committed for the express purpose of desecrating the resting place of Bray’s demon girlfriend. Hey, I said wrestling was distinct.