WWE Extreme Rules 2017: Full rundown and why you should care

Welcome to WWE’s annual tribute to 80s hair band, Extreme: Extreme Rules. I briefly considered making a reference to Extreme songs in every match preview, but let’s be real, I can only stretch my knowledge of “Play With Me” and “More Than Words” so far.

Anyway, here is Extreme Rules, a show that looks a lot different than whatever WWE had previously planned for it before Braun Strowman’s elbow needed fixing. As much as we miss Braun, this Fatal 5-Way main event they have planned to determine Brock Lesnar’s next victim opponent seems like it’s going to be pretty great. So, let’s dive in.

What am I looking at here? Gotta admit, we’re not off to a very extreme start. A mixed tag match is a tag match with additional rules, meaning the only thing extreme about this is how many rules there are. More like, uh, Extratreme Rules, right?

...right?

Sasha Banks and Alicia Fox had beef, and Noam Dar is Fox’s plaything, so he joined in on the action. Then Rich Swann showed up to back Sasha for some reason even though Cedric Alexander has returned from injury and has previous unfinished business with ex-girlfriend Fox and the dude Fox chose over him, Dar.

Why you should care: The coolest thing about this match is that WWE is trusting RAW regular Sasha Banks to get people to watch their cruiserweight show, 205 Live. Mixed tag matches can sometimes be a lot of fun — see Fandango and Summer Rae vs. Emma and Santino — but that’s when they’re played with the purpose of being fun. Too often we’re getting singles matches that happen independently of each other since intergender wrestling is not a thing in WWE, and it can be a drag. Hopefully this is closer to fun than yawn.

Also, I’m sorry that by clicking that link you were exposed to Alex Riley on commentary. There is no cure.

What am I looking at here? Neville has been Cruiserweight Champion since winning the belt at the Royal Rumble, and has the longest reign in the title’s youthful history. Most of the time that’s just because he absolutely overpowered his opponents, but against Austin Aries, he’s had to resort to some rule-bending and cheating.

At WrestleMania 33, Neville thumbed Aries in the eye when the ref wasn’t looking. At Payback, he got himself disqualified when it appeared he was going to have to submit. So now, these two will face off in a submission match, meaning it’s a no disqualification situation where the only thing that ends the match is tapping out to a submission.

Why you should care: This feud has been wonderful, with both Neville and Aries bringing it every single week on the mic and even more so when they lock up in the ring. Is Aries finally going to wrest the Cruiserweight Championship from Neville here, or will Neville finally pull out all the stops — even the ones the fans he loathes like seeing — in order to finally put Aries away for good?

What am I looking at here? We’re still trying to figure part of that out. The Hardy Menz — hey, they’re adults now, and it’s not the 90s — are known for their ability in ladder matches, so when they got the chance to pick the stipulation, they naturally chose a steel cage match. So that the two big beefy dudes who recently turned heel with the express purpose of beating the Hardys to death now have a cage to assist them in their goal, I guess.

To be fair this has been a very one-sided feud in favor of Matt and Jeff so maybe they’re just trying to help Sheamus and Cesaro get back in the game.

Why you should care: Sheamus and Cesaro are dope as heck, and like 500 pounds of pure muscle and beatdowns waiting to happen to the Hardys. The Hardys are still kind of on the nostalgia portion of their return, where we haven’t been given much character other than “Hey, remember these guys? You used to like them!” — that could change with a loss of the titles, especially if, say, Jeff Hardy decides to do a reckless flip off the top of the cage instead of exiting it to win the match and retain the titles and it somehow backfires in the Hardys’ faces.

What am I looking at here? All you need to know about the setup is that this feud is built on the idea that Alexa Bliss keeps calling Bayley a child and Bayley’s reaction to this is to pout and stamp her feet and deny it while doing things like lashing out at Alexa Bliss with her fists or attacking her from behind. You know, mature adult stuff and not the emotional outbursts of a petulant child.

The Bayley we love might be dead, y’all. Or at least in a deep slumber, waiting to be woken by someone who can effectively write and understand her character.

Oh, also, there is a kendo stick on a pole and the two women are going to try to reach the kendo stick on a pole in order to take the kendo stick down from the pole and beat the other woman with the kendo stick from the pole.

Why you should care: Alexa Bliss has been incredible since showing up on RAW, awful Monday segment that WWE should never employ in any capacity ever again aside. She’s already beaten Bayley clean without cheating to take the RAW Women’s Championship away from her, so don’t be surprised if she also manages to win a match where she does not have to wrestle fair.

Or idk maybe Bayley wins and then screams “I’M NOT A CHILD” while sticking her tongue out and going “neener neener neener” to Bliss.

What am I looking at here? So you might be wondering what the champion’s advantage is and why it’s not happening in this match. Basically, a champion can get disqualified and normally, the title will not change hands when that happens. For heels, taking away the champion’s advantage is a way to keep them from cheating their way to retaining. Ambrose is a face, though, which means in this situation, the focus is on what ridiculous things Miz has to do to goad Ambrose into getting disqualified.

Why you should care: One of my favorite matches has this same stipulation, and the heel in that situation was Christian, who is every bit as needling and annoying as Miz. He tried to get Randy Orton to beat him with a chair and slip up and get himself disqualified in a number of ways, and none of them worked... until Christian SPIT DIRECTLY INTO RANDY ORTON’S OPEN MOUTH while the two were in the corner. Orton did not, uh, take that well, and kicked Christian right in the beans as hard as he could, which cost him the title.

So, seeing how Miz causes Ambrose to similarly snap and forget himself long enough to drop the title should be great.

What am I looking at here? Well, this is something. Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, and Bray Wyatt are former WWE World Champions. Rollins, Finn Balor, and Samoa Joe are all former NXT Champions. Finn is a former WWE Universal Champion, the first one ever, actually, and he faced off against Rollins for that belt in its inaugural match. Now all five of these dudes get to wrestle each other for the right to face Brock Lesnar at, I kid you not, an event named “Great Balls of Fire.”

Yeah we were probably supposed to get Reigns vs. Braun Strowman in an Ambulance Match as the main event of Extreme Rules but as dope as those two are Ambulance Matches are just okay. This is better, especially if Strowman returns from injury soon and is ready to maim whoever is in his way again, anyway.

Why you should care: First of all, there’s basically no wrong choice for the winner here. Roman Reigns vs. Lesnar would only be wrong in the sense that it’s already been a WrestleMania main event and should be again someday, so the timing is off. Rollins as a face taking on Lesnar instead of fighting him as a cowardly heel could be a lot of fun. Samoa Joe deciding he doesn’t want to be suplexed, actually, and is going to choke Lesnar out would be wonderful. Finn Balor showing that the Demon can take on the Beast even if he’s significantly lighter and shorter than Brock is a thing I need injected into my veins.

And man, even though Bray Wyatt’s shtick has gotten pretty old, him vs. Lesnar could be something special just for the weird factor.

Whoever wins this match probably isn’t beating Brock next month, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they need to lose, either. And that’s a problem for Great Balls of Fire (lol), anyway. All we’re concerned about at the moment is what should be a great main event, which, by the way, should be great.