WWE Battleground 2017: Full rundown and why you should care

SmackDown’s latest brand-exclusive pay-per-view, Battleground, airs on Sunday, July 23 on the WWE Network, and it’s the prelude to the next of WWE’s Big Four events, SummerSlam. Don’t worry, I’ll avoid making weird references to war or puns about battles here. I’m supposed to make you care about this event, not roll your eyes at it.

This is a relatively lengthy card for one of WWE’s regular pay-per-views, so let’s get right into it.

What am I looking at here? That is literally the question of the day with this match. Breezango — that’s Tyler Breeze and Fandango — are otherwise known as the Fashion Police. And the offices of the Fashion Police were ransacked by mystery attacks a couple of months back. Since then, the pair have been investigating all of their tag team coworkers, clearing them one at a time, and getting no closer to discovering the identities of their assailants.

Recently, though, Fandango was dressed up like a cowboy and he rode a toy horse and the horse was stolen and returned to the Fashion Police mutilate in a box. Also inside that box was a note telling Breezango that they would find out who did this at Battleground. And here we are!

Why you should care: Well besides the fact that the Fashion Files, the show within a show that has powered this story since it began, is one of the best parts of SmackDown, the way that this has all played out suggests that Fandango and Breeze are going to be fighting someone new.

Through process of elimination, we’re down to two guesses as to who could have been attacking these fashionistas. Why just two? Well, every single tag team on SmackDown has been cleared of suspicion. So, we’re left to wonder if Luke Harper and Erick Rowan have reformed their team, except this time outside of the influence of Bray Wyatt, or if we’re getting a brand new debut of SAnitY, who currently wrestles for NXT.

Either would be a fine answer — Harper is one of the top wrestlers on the show, and his previous work with Rowan as a tag team was excellent when they were actually given a chance to compete outside of Bray’s shadow. SAnitY is also incredibly promising, as Killian Dain is a big ole hoss, Alexander Wolfe has tons of promise, and, if Nikki Cross is coming with them, then SmackDown’s women’s division just got a huge boost.

Former TNA/Impact standout Eric Young is the group’s leader, but he’s been in more of a grooming role than a wrestling one, if you’re wondering why I put so much focus on the other three. That trio is the future of this stable.

What am I looking at here? Mike Kanellis and Maria Kanellis are in love. They’re going to teach you about the power of love, but also seemingly just their love, specifically, as they don’t seem to care too much for anyone else around them. Like, say, Sami Zayn, who has had the misfortune of bumping into this pair on multiple occasions, which began a feud between the two when the Kanellis’ (Kanelli?) tired of Zayn’s Larry Davidisms.

Also, you’re supposed to hate Mike and Maria, and they make it very easy to do so, but their theme is also amazing. Listen to the lyrics!

“When they ask if the fire is gonna eat us alive, I tell ‘em I think we’ll be just fine.“

Holy h*ck, you guys. That is the corniest writing and I adore it.

Why you should care: Sami Zayn is wonderful of course, but this is the true debut for Mike and Maria — they got to wrestle on this week’s SmackDown against Zayn a bit, but it was mostly just a way to show you that Maria is going to be helping Mike out however she can without getting the pair in trouble.

Poor Zayn is going to lose this feud to help get Mike and Maria going, but it’s okay, Sami: you’re still the greatest love the rest of us have ever known.

What am I looking at here? Lana lost to Naomi three times, each match faster than the last, and SmackDown didn’t figure out who was next in line since the only other thing the show got through for weeks was the story of Carmella winning the Money in the Bank briefcase, being stripped of that case, then winning it back. Now, Carmella is lurking in the shadows with her briefcase containing a guaranteed contract for a SmackDown Women’s title match, while the rest of the division fights each other in order to figure out the new number one contender for the same championship.

Why you should care: Lana and Tamina have something going on, with Tamina very protective of her new Russian friend — how will that play out in this every-woman-for-herself format? Otherwise, this should just be some fine wrasslin, as Charlotte, Becky, and Natalya are all a joy to watch for different reasons. This feels like Charlotte’s match to win so she can get another shot against Naomi that doesn’t come on the heels of her facing down a stable that formed with the sole purpose of keeping Charlotte from winning anything.

Now that Tamina seems focused on Lana, Carmella is off with her case, and Natalya is flying solo, Charlotte actually has a chance to defeat Naomi if she comes away victorious.

What am I looking at here? Two of WWE’s best, in a rematch from a Madison Square Garden house show where Styles took the title from Owens. WWE performs at MSG each year in a non-televised event where they try to create some moment to share with everyone who didn’t see it, and this time around, it was Styles shocking the arena with a title win over Owens.

Why you should care: The feud hasn’t been as good as it should be, since SmackDown has Owens doing some evil foreigner thing even though audiences already had plenty of non-cliche reasons to hate the guy, but at the same time, this is Kevin Owens vs. AJ Styles. The match itself is going to be good.

What am I looking at here? Baron Corbin interrupted Nakamura’s entrance at Money in the Bank last month, beating the hell out of the presumed favorite to the point the match started without Shinsuke in it. Nakamura would eventually return and set the match on fire by kneeing everyone in the face, but Corbin came away as 2017’s Mr. Money in the Bank, anyway.

Since then, Corbin and Nakamura have taken turns sneaking up on the other to attack them backstage, and now the pair get to take their frustrations out on each other in a ring.

Why you should care: Corbin has had tons of success in WWE in a relatively short span of time, and it’s for a reason. The dude is big, entertaining, and knows how to make this all look like it hurts. Nakamura is a different kind of challenge for him than he’s had in WWE to this point, and that works both ways, really: Nakamura has spent most of his time in WWE wrestling Dolph Ziggler or pinning Kevin Owens in tag matches.

Corbin is 6-foot-7 and more interested in throwing you into things and punching you in the face than performing flawlessly executed wrestling moves. Seeing how Nakamura responds to that should be worth your time.

This could also end up being a preview of a future match for the WWE Championship, considering Corbin has the men’s Money in the Bank briefcase already, and Nakamura showed up in the main event scene months ago and isn’t expected to leave it anytime soon.

What am I looking at here? The first title bout between these two on SmackDown was aggressive, hard-hitting, and also cut short once the Usos realized pinning New Day wasn’t going to be easy. Now, after weeks of singles matches and a rap battle decided by Wale thrown in for good measure, New Day gets their rematch and a chance to take the titles from the Usos before the champs can run away a second time.

Why you should care: New Day is great and all, and a victory here would set SmackDown’s tag scene up in a way that allows another heel team to rise to the top to face New Day, but the more intriguing option might come from New Day losing. If they can’t take down the Usos in their second chance, they might be done getting chances for a while. And if that’s the case, maybe we’ll see the popular group stay together (they should) but change their focus. Say, to Big E going after singles belts, perhaps?

Hey, New Day has talked about their desire for one of them to win a singles title and for the entire group to say they’re that champ, so why not?

What am I looking at here? WWE took the returns of two of their most dynamic and talented performers and turned it into some bullshit 80s patriotism thing that no one cares about.

Why you should care: idk Bulgaria is America’s enemy or something even though that’s not true, just hope that Cena vs. Rusev in the ring is better than Cena vs. Rusev has been on the mic, though, how could it not be given the material the two had to work with?

What am I looking at here? I’m glad you asked! I made a brief video to explain this match earlier in the week and now I’m going to use it again here because recycling is the key to our survival. When I say “recycling,” am I talking about the planet, or this industry? Either way, the answer is yes!

If you don’t want to watch the video because the written word is still an integral part of your life and you don’t understand advertisers’ obsession with video or feel comfortable about the control they exert over the future of the written word, well, here you go.

Randy Orton wanted another rematch with Jinder Mahal, whose cronies attacked Randy’s father during their last title bout in order to draw Orton out of the ring and give Jinder time to recover. Shane McMahon said sure, that’s fine, but in the interest of fairness given Shane remembers that Orton is also the kind of guy to beat up a dad to get his way, Jinder gets to pick the stipulation. Mahal chose the Punjabi Prison match, which hasn’t been used in years, and Orton was all “what are you an idiot now your buddies can’t do your dirty work for you” as if Jinder and the Singh Brothers hadn’t already thought of a way to make sure they do interfere.

The Punjabi Prison is two bamboo cages reinforced by steel. There is a door to exit the first cage from, but eventually that is locked, and then climbing is the only way out, except there are spikes on the top of the cage. There might also be weapons lying around, and there are no rules, other than the thing about the doors locking and the need to climb over two cages in order to win. Those sound like rules, but who’s counting?

Why you should care: The feud has not been great, but the last Orton vs. Mahal match was pretty good, and seeing a non-terrible Punjabi Prison match is... well, it’s not a bucket list item since you could live without it, but like people doing stupid stunts just to see if they can survive them, finding out if a Punjabi Prison match can be good is just one of those things people need to know.

Also this match will end up setting up the fate of the WWE Championship for SummerSlam, since a Jinder victory could mean John Cena is coming for the heel wit the title, and an Orton win could send Baron Corbin down to the ring to cash in on an exhausted face as soon as Sunday.