WWE Battleground 2017 results: Show starts off hot but devolves into a mess

WWE Battleground 2017 had an uphill fight from the start. Jinder Mahal as champion still doesn’t sit right with some people, and his never-ending feud with Randy Orton was set to blow off in the infamous Punjabi Prison, which has never produced a good match.

That streak of bad Punjabi Prison matches continued Sunday night, with Mahal retaining the WWE Championship thanks to the help of an unlikely returning player.

With SummerSlam just over a month away, we at least got some answers as to how the card will shake out (such as the No. 1 contender to the SmackDown Women’s Championship), but there were a lot of underwhelming matches with bad finishes, which only served to extend feuds that are already past their expiration dates. SmackDown Live is going through a pretty rough slump at the moment, and Battleground didn’t really inspire confidence that it’ll right the ship soon.

The opening tag title match was by far the highlight of the show, but everything else was skippable at best, with the bad stuff standing out as particularly bad.

A stupid match gets the stupid finish it deserves.

Yup, we’re actually doing a Punjabi Prison match in 2017. If you’ve forgotten the previous two barnburners that took place in this thing (Undertaker vs. Big Show, Great Khali vs. Batista), let me explain the rules.

It’s basically a cage match, but the cage is made of bamboo and there are two cages surrounding the ring. The inner cage has four doors that a referee can open on request, but that door is open for only 60 seconds. If you can’t get through, the door closes forever, but you can just climb over it anyway so it doesn’t really matter. Once a wrestler gets out of the inner cage, he must climb the bigger, outer cage to win the match.

Got all that? No? Too bad. We’re doing this thing. Hold on to your butts.

Jinder called for a door to get opened right from the start, but Orton cut him off and the door closed, leaving three doors left. Nothing important happened for a while. A second door opened up via Jinder’s request, but Orton cut him off again and the door closed. See a pattern developing here?

The Philly fans in attendance were so enthralled by the action that they started up a “trust the process” chant.

Orton called for a third door to open, but naturally Jinder fought him off. The door closed, leaving just one left. Orton hit the draping DDT off the middle rope, which was the closest thing to exciting in this match. He got the final door opened and could’ve easily walked out, but he decided to pose for some reason and let Jinder come back.

Of course, the Singh Brothers were hiding under the ring the whole time and helped Jinder get through the door before it closed, leaving Randy inside. Jinder started climbing the outer cage, but Orton somehow recovered and got over to the cage alongside Jinder. The brothers laid out Orton, and Jinder made his climb once again before getting dragged down. Orton went back to his favorite pastime: beating the hell out of the Singhs. Jinder then beat him up with kendo sticks before Orton came back with kendo stick shots of his own.

Randy started climbing again, but somehow the Singhs were small enough to crawl outside and fight him on the other side of the cage. Orton fought off one brother and sent him crashing through the announce desk, which was by far the best thing to happen in this match. Orton killed the other brother with chair shots and went after Jinder, laying him out with the chair.

Orton made his climb once more and seemed on his way to victory, but ... THE GREAT KHALI IS HERE. After leaving WWE years ago, Khali came back and choked out Orton on the cage, buying Jinder time to climb over the cage and win. It’s a fitting end to Battleground, which had more bad than good.

This played out much like their match on SmackDown Live last week — Sami took most of the match, but Mike used the power of love (read: Maria Kanellis’ interference) to gain an advantage.

This was a standard match; not much to say about it. Zayn got his fiery comeback and nailed Mike with a dive to the outside. He hit a crossbody and tornado DDT before Maria hit the ring. This time, Sami didn’t fall prey to the distraction, hitting the exploder suplex and Helluva Kick for the win.

Maybe this feud continues, maybe not, who knows.

Yes, it’s a Flag Match. Yes, it’s a game of Capture the Flag with wrestling moves. Yes, John Cena is still defending the honor of America against the evil ... Bulgarian? Sure, why not.

For the record, Bulgaria and the United States are NATO allies. Also, how many Americans actually have a strong opinion of Bulgaria? Can’t Rusev just be a cool, tough Bulgarian who doesn’t hate America? Whatever.

Anyway, the rules of the match are that each man’s flag is hooked on a pole on opposite corners of the ring. The person who grabs his flag and plants it in a spot on the entrance ramp wins the match. That’s it.

This match, with no pinfalls or submissions, started off with Rusev and Cena trading chinlocks. The match mostly went like this: Someone tries to climb up and grab his flag, the opponent pulls them down; they do some wrestling moves. This cycle repeated itself multiple times. Rusev took out Cena with a powerbomb counter off a leg drop and took his flag off the pole. But Cena hit a dropkick and Attitude Adjustment before putting Rusev in the STF. He grabbed Old Glory before Rusev knocked him out again.

Rusev was the first to get up and walk his flag up the ramp, but Cena flew out of the ring to take him down. They brawled on the ramp and past the finish line, with neither man holding his flag. Rusev set up some tables, but Cena fought him off and got his flag. He crawled up the ramp and nearly planted the flag, but Rusev recovered and locked Cena into the Accolade. He struggled mightily to lift the Bulgarian flag (which presumably weighs 1,000 pounds) up the podium, but Cena cut him off again. He lifted up Rusev and hit the AA through the tables. Then he planted the American flag and won.

Woof. Let’s hope they have some better plans for Cena at SummerSlam.

Good match while it lasted, but the finish left many people scratching their heads. There was a needlessly complicated sequence with the ref getting knocked out, which didn’t actually matter because the heel won clean without cheating. Baffling end.

Owens is getting his rematch after surprisingly losing the belt to Styles at a Madison Square Garden house show. Owens did his usual stalling tactics early on before Styles took the fight to him, as both men brawled on the outside.

They got back in the ring and Owens took Styles to Chinlock City. Styles fought back with some strikes, but Owens put him down with a DDT and went back to the chinlocks. Styles got back on his feet and hit Owens with a flurry of forearms. He caught an Owens superkick and almost had the Styles Clash, which Owens escaped before Styles hit the neckbreaker on his knee for two.

Styles went for the springboard 450, but Owens got his knees up and rolled up AJ for a two-count. A cannonball into the corner got another nearfall for Owens. He put Styles on the top rope and went for a superkick, but Styles countered into a Torture Rack for two.

AJ went back up and set up the Phenomenal Forearm, but Owens rolled out and caught him from behind, nailing his shoulder on the apron. Despite the bad arm, AJ hit a Pele kick. He set up the Styles Clash again, but Owens threw him into the referee, knocking him out. Owens nailed a superkick and tried the Pop-Up Powerbomb, but AJ reversed it into the Calf Crusher. Owens reversed that move into a crossface while the ref came to his senses. Styles rolled into a crossface of his own, but the ref counted three while his shoulders were down, giving the belt back to Owens. Weird, weird finish that just came out of nowhere. The match was good but it never really got out of first gear, so I guess this feud is continuing.

This was a Fatal Five-Way elimination match. With a lot of bodies in the ring, this match was pretty clumsy at times. But things got better toward the end when it was just Charlotte vs. Nattie.

SmackDown women’s champion Naomi sat in on commentary. The match quickly broke down into chaos and eventually settled in with Tamina and Lana double-teaming Charlotte. After a long, long segment of Charlotte attempting to make Tamina and Lana look like a threat, Becky finally got back in the ring and the match picked up. Natalya also joined the fray, mixing it up with Charlotte and Becky and bringing some much-needed energy to this match.

Nattie locked a Sharpshooter on Charlotte, which was broken up by Lana. Becky then put Lana in the Disarmer before Tamina made the save. Becky fought back and got the Disarmer on Tamina, tapping her out. Tamina eliminated by submission. Another Disarmer on Lana got her out of the match. Lana eliminated by submission.

However, there was no time for Becky to celebrate, because Natalya rolled her up from behind for a flash pin. Becky Lynch eliminated by pinfall. It was down to Charlotte and Natalya from here. Nattie tried an armbar, but Charlotte lifted her up into a powerbomb for two. Flair went for a moonsault, but Nattie got the knees up and threw Charlotte’s head into the turnbuckle, scoring the pin and No. 1 contendership. Charlotte Flair eliminated by pinfall.

Naomi vs. Natalya at SummerSlam is on — unless plans change, of course.

A slow, plodding match ended on a lame non-finish, presumably to protect Corbin as Mr. Money in the Bank. This was not a highlight of either man’s career.

The two men traded strikes early, perfectly playing into Nakamura’s style as Corbin powdered outside. Corbin eventually got the upper hand and locked Nakamura into a bear hug for several minutes. Nakamura escaped and put Corbin in a triangle choke before Corbin broke the hold and threw Nakamura into the barricades outside.

Corbin put on another bear hug that seemed to last forever. He went for a chokeslam, but Nakamura fired back with stiff kicks. He started hitting his signature moves, including the running knee into Corbin’s gut while Baron was laid across the turnbuckle. Corbin was forced out of the ring but flew back in and wiped out Nakamura with a clothesline for a two-count. Nakamura went for the Kinshasa but Corbin countered with Deep Six, getting another nearfall.

More strike exchanges ensued before Nakamura dropped Corbin with multiple kicks. He set up for the Kinshasa again, but Corbin kicked him in the groin for a DQ. He walked out after the match but came back into the ring to hit End of Days on Nakamura. This feud must continue, apparently.

Another excellent match between these teams, and unlike Money in the Bank, we got an actual finish this time! Battleground peaked early, and this stands out as the obvious best match of the night. The New Day became the first team to win both the Raw and SmackDown tag titles.

Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods represented the New Day in the match, with Big E at ringside. Kofi got the match started with a huge dropkick right off the bat. He and Woods double-teamed an Uso, but the other Uso turned things around by landing cheap shots on Woods behind the ref’s back.

Jimmy Uso enjoyed total control of the match for a while, putting the boots to Woods alongside his brother, Jey. Xavier got some momentum back and tagged in Kingston, who ran wild on both the Usos. Kofi went for a massive plancha off the top, but both Usos caught him and double-powerbombed him to the floor. Woods also got wiped out, leaving both New Day members laying outside.

Woods recovered and nearly got the pin with a rollup, but Jimmy got him on his shoulders and lawn-darted him into the turnbuckles. A Samoan Drop on Xavier only got a two-count, though. He went up for a splash and jumped into a dropkick by a different Uso for another nearfall. Jimmy hooked a half-Boston Crab on Xavier, who barely reached the rope after a long struggle.

Kofi tagged back in and the New Day teamed up for their tandem Midnight Rider move, only for Jimmy to kick out at the last moment. A superkick and frog splash on Kofi appeared to finish it, but Kingston kicked out yet again. Jimmy missed another splash and Kofi hit Trouble In Paradise, followed by a Xavier elbow drop to get the pin and win the titles.

English did his usual singing before the match started. Dillinger had the upper hand early to get the “10” chants going, only for English to cut him off and take over. Dillinger made his comeback with a dropkick and a couple of hard chops, getting the crowd fired back up. A spinebuster from Tye got two. English fought off a superplex attempt and hit a crossbody off the top then got a couple of more nearfalls. English got the win with some kind of neckbreaker/DDT combo. Fun match, if inconsequential.