General

The NCAA Football Workout: October 4th

Oct 3, 2008, 9:00 PM UTC

8:00 a.m.: Whew! Up and at ‘em! The alarm’s beeping, the birds singing, and a particularly annoying beam of sunlight is searing your face. It’s Gameday! Bank some time at the gym to make room for those calories. Hit the grocery store for snacks and beer. Get movin’. Get groovin’. Live to win, soldier!â†µâ†µ8:14 a.m.: Hit snooze button.â†µ

â†µâ†µ9:55 a.m: Realize Gameday is on in five minutes. Stumble out of bed, start coffeemaker.â†µ

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â†µ10:00 a.m.: Scan background of Gameday for obscene signs. Realize that this is Vanderbilt, where not only do the fans have no idea how to do this “talking of the trash you speak of,” but also where the cameras will have to zoom in on two, possibly three frenetic Vandy fans to achieve the impression of a football-mad mob. Later, in the background, you will see that there are somewhere around a hundred people there. It’s not their fault: it’s Vandy, and they’re really, really new at this.â†µ

â†µâ†µ10:45 a.m.: Realize you are not wearing pants. Consider putting on pants.â†µ

â†µâ†µ10:57 a.m.: Lee Corso, attempting to recall the name “Chase Daniel,” instead calls him Chase Daniels. Chris Fowler loses a clump of hair on camera from the irritation.â†µ

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â†µ11:38 a.m.: Still no obscenities in Gameday signs. Also: still not wearing pants.â†µ

â†µâ†µ11:58 a.m.: Corso announces his pick for the big game by donning a Trojan helmet and waving a sword at the crowd despite this being Nashville, where USC is NOT playing. Kirk Herbstreit laughs maniacally, both because of Corso’s gaffe and because he’s paid a ridiculous amount of money to talk about college football for a living, and thus has cheated life in awesome fashion.â†µ

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â†µ12:03 p.m.: Switch back and forth between dueling Big Ten games on ESPN and ESPN2 to avoid the lulling, somnambulant state achieved when a midday breakfast sugar crash is worsened by Ward’s Xanax voice. Marvel at Penn State/Purdue because though Joe Paterno is 342 years old, he still acts younger than the chronologically younger Joe Tiller and his fine Wilford Brimley mustache.â†µ

â†µâ†µ12:30 p.m.: Pants on. Switching to Raycom’s SEC game of the week, Florida at Arkansas, where the cameras always fall for play-action fakes, the announcers really are all named Dave, and the sponsors assume you need fishing supplies, a truck and an ATV, and are interested in lakefront property in Arkansas.â†µ

â†µâ†µ12:47 p.m.: Officially lose interest in game when Florida goes up by 21 in a frothing rage in the first. Move down channel to FSN for Oklahoma/Baylor, which is close after ten minutes or so! It could be an upset! Hoooray upset! â†µ

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â†µâ†µ1:17 p.m.: Sam Bradford, four touchdown passes later, has Oklahoma up 28-7 on Baylor in the second quarter. Remain interested by noting FSN’s ever-strange camera placement, which manages to make every game look as if it was either shot from the Hubble Space Telescope or from the seventh row of the stands. There’s really no middle ground with them.â†µ

â†µâ†µ1:45 p.m.: Pop over to Raycom to see how the Florida game is going. OHHH GOD! THE BLOOD, THE BLOOD!!!â†µ

â†µâ†µ2:35 p.m.: Checking the Stanford/Notre Dame game to see ... yes. Tom Hammond’s head is so large it attracts small metal objects to the television screen with its magnetic pull. Stanford could win this game, though, so at least that makes it worth keeping an eye on for a while. Take all the paper clips off the television and put in desk drawer for safety’s sake.â†µ

â†µâ†µ3:10 p.m.: Walk outside and notice that the sky is on fire. Oh, wait: that’s the sun. It’s supposed to be there. Get the mail, walk inside, and then remove pants, because the act’s fooling no one today. Hey, look: Casey Dick’s still alive! And breathing! Good for Casey Dick.â†µ

â†µâ†µ3:35 p.m.: Silently but persistently root for fifth-year senior Drew Weatherford, who has been severely pummeled, benched, reviled by Florida State fans, misused by the Jeff Bowden High Skool Attack for Smrt Hie Skool coachez, to come off the bench and lead a near fourth quarter comeback for the Seminoles. Please note the use of “near” there; he will be replaced by Christian Ponder when the ‘Noles get in the redzone, who will then throw a pick six for the ‘Canes win. Jimbo Fisher might plunge from the pressbox in frustration; stay tuned to see if he does!â†µ

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â†µ5:45 p.m.: Couch sweat has now officially kicked in: quick pre-evening shower required. While showering, consider going out for the evening. After all, are you really going to sit at home on a brilliant fall evening and watch Vanderbilt -- egads, Vanderbilt? -- play Auburn, a team so unable to score that its offensive coordinator, when pressed by reporters this week for a quote, said this:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥“Y’all need to go talk to the good football coach over there and leave me alone.”â†µâ†µâ†µAlso, forget to exfoliate for the 12,384th day, because exfoliating is for ladies. Feel free to use your lady’s girly shampoo, though, because you like the way it smells, and you feel slightly ashamed of this.â†µ

â†µâ†µ6:05 p.m. Yes, you’re watching Vanderbilt football, glassy-eyed and content on a Saturday evening -- as the main event, no less. Welcome to 2008. You didn’t think you’d live to see something this weird, but you’re kind of glad you did.â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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