S.O.P.S.C.: Save Our Playstation Skills Challenge!

By Bethlehem Shoals
Hi, my name really is Bethlehem Shoals. You might know me from FreeDarko; I’ll be loitering around these parts, writing about the NBA. I’ll weigh in on the important issues of our day, as well as those that deserve to be more important. I fight for the little guy in this league. Only figuratively, though -- I have always had an irrational dislike of Earl Boykins that refuses to go away.
It’s not like all of America keeps the Atlanta Hawks on its radar, so there’s a chance you haven’t yet heard about Josh Smith’s absolutely bignormous game against Philly. That would be 19 points, nine assists, six boards, nine blocks, and four steals. It’s pure fantasy basketball porn, and a testament to just what a national treasure the Hawks’ budding star is.
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With All-Star Weekend peeping ‘round the corner, you’re also starting to hear mentions of the Playstation Skills Challenge, which is somehow both the dullest Saturday event and the one that draws the biggest names (last year: Kobe, Wade, Paul, Bron).
The Dunk Contest seems well on its way to saving itself, so maybe it’s time we turn our weary eyes to the Skills Challenge, which is so far gone no one ever discusses its salvation. Unless it’s a giant corporate video game-related conspiracy I’m too naive to grasp. As far as I can tell, the Skills Challenge is about who is the most well-rounded star of them all. This pro-fundamentals bias is inherently at odds with the spirit of All-Star Weekend. It’s a political misstep and probably a waste of broadcast real estate.
Instead of testing out bounce passes and slalom ability, we should be trying to define skills for the game in ‘08 -- or at least that one weekend of it. My humble suggestion: What about a Skills Challenge inspired by the multi-tasking likes of Smith? It would test out players’ ability to stuff a hypothetical stat sheet, maybe even all at once. There would have to be some robots involved, and maybe an underwater section. Those details can be worked out. Point is, who wouldn’t tune in to see Smith, Kirilenko, Odom, and -- why not -- LeBron try and rack up the greatest variety of stats possible, against a series of game-like situations? With some robots. Possibly as a tie-in with The Sarah Connor Chronicles.
It would give the Skills Challenge some fresh breath, and help these cult favorites build up a rep outside of the internet.↵