Emptying the Contents of Da Meat Hook’s Stomach

By Spencer Hall
Dmitri “Da Meat Hook” Young showed up to spring training weighing an alleged 291 pounds. We wondered: What exactly is in Dmitri’s stomach right now?
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Suspects include:
-- Newly unemployed Sean Salisbury, eaten on a dare at a Bristol-area Buffalo Wild Wings on February 22nd.
-- Thirty pounds of lead buckshot.
-- Three McRibs. (It’s back! Again!)
-- One wheel of organic soap, eaten when confused for a cake.
-- One size 12 right cleat, property of Ken Griffey, Jr.
-- Delaware License plate GL38234 ... and the Pontiac Sunfire it’s bolted to.
-- Tim Kurkjian laughing like a whimsical gnome and calling for help from his cellphone.
-- Fourteen litres of Fanta Orange/Gasoline cocktail consumed at lunch.
-- A live and extremely vivacious persian cat named Stanley, available for adoption from the Fairfax County Animal Shelter as soon as he’s extracted from Young’s stomach.
-- The spoiler from a 2002 Kia Sportage.
-- Eight bags of Guacamole Flavored Doritos, bag and all.
-- One copy Tom Emanski’s Defensive Drills for Young Baseball Players.
-- One Tom Emanski.
-- One Fred McGriff wearing nondescript blue hat from legendary commercial for Tom Emanski’s Defensive Drills For Young Baseball Players.
-- One little league team and blue garbage cans from Tom Emanski’s Defensive Drills for Young Baseball Players tape.
-- A very confused pelican with a really confused fish in its bill. ↵