Hey, ESPN, We Own HDTVs So We Can Watch in HD

By Chris Mottram
I’m an HD snob. I can admit that. The only times I will ever, EVER venture away from the HD channels are to get all political with CNN (which insufferable Time Warner Cable doesn’t offer in high def) or to watch Bravo’s reality programming (sad, but true). But this is the type of person that owning an HDTV makes you. I’m not proud of it, but thems the facts.
So knowing that, you should totally understand why ESPN’s coverage of Championship Week thus far has made my eyes bleed. Not one of the conference championship games has been broadcast in HD. That’s 12 title games played, zero in glorious high definition.
Instead, I’m stuck watching the games on the ESPN HD channel, but in regular definition, with half the screen covered by those huge blocks on the sides that read “ESPNHD,†or, as I like to call them, the “Black Bars of Irony”:
[img=http://img266.imageshack.us/img266/3098/espnhdfa0.jpg]
See, the Black Bars of Irony are named as such because they say “ESPNHD,†yet the only time they appear on the screen is when the broadcast is actually not in HD. So then, in order to expand the picture to full screen and make the Bars go away, you must hit the HD Zoom button. But now you’re watching a magnified, zoomed in version of horrifying regular definition. This is akin to looking at Rosie O’Donnell from 15 feet away, then putting on binoculars, and looking at Rosie O’Donnell from 15 feet away. It’s not pretty.
Something just isn’t right when I’m able to make out the intricate details of an early-19th century Virginia-made Federal armchair on PBS HD’s “Antiques Roadshow,†yet I can’t tell which team is Mason and which team is William & Mary on ESPN’s broadcast of the CAA Championship. I mean, the Discovery channel has high-def cameras literally just sitting around Yellowstone Park, watching the sunrise. Maybe ESPN could borrow a couple of those and place them around college gymnasiums. Or steal one from the gang over at “House Hunters.†HGTV seems to have an inordinate amount of HD cameras.
Although today does mark the start of the BCS conference tournaments, so hopefully NCAA hoops in high-def will make its triumphant return. And those insensate Black Bars can stop mocking me.
Update: The Big East Tourney is in HD. Nerves calmed, momentarily. ↵