Five Celebrities We’d Like to See In Las Vegas

By Spencer Hall
You can’t go to Las Vegas without at least one celebrity sighting, and if you do, it’s likely you’ve been sold a vacation to Reno, and just haven’t noticed. Apologies, but I told you never to use a travel agent that also brokers adoptions for seventy bucks a piece and sells shrimp out of their trunk. It’s just a matter of common sense, man.
The Five Celebrities I Want to See While in Las Vegas:
5. Charles Barkley: He lives just within striking distance, and that ain’t good for Charles, admitted TSB man-crushee, abominable golfer, and self-confessed gambling freak. Barkley claims to have lost $10 million on gambling over the past decade. He also takes up two seats at most tables by himself, meaning he should be easy to spot.
4. Penn Gillette. He named his daughter “Moxie Crimefighter” and hosts a show called “Bull&@.” That’s enough for me. Also easy spot because he’s like nine feet tall and has a voice like a bullhorn from years of speaking for two. Mental note: don’t offer him a drink, because he claims he’s never had a drink in his life.
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3. George Clooney. Another Vegas lounge lizard and legendarily normal dude in person.
2. D.B. Cooper. The hijacker of a 727 in 1971 who, after receiving $200,000 in ransom money, jumped from the rear of the plane with a parachute on and was never seen again. I like to think he survived, invested wisely, and now spends his days gambling away his millions at sportsbooks; the FBI likes to think he’s dead.
1. Elvis. Duh: he spent a huge chunk of the 70s here wearing jumpsuits, popping pills, and shooting any television screen featuring the face of Wayne Newton. That he’s still alive is beyond question (of course he is!); where he’s at is the question. We’re thinking some older place like the Sahara, or perhaps Fremont Street. Look for the fat guy always carrying a half-eaten BLT and tapping his foot rhythmically, and you’ve found your man.↵