DeShawn’s Trash Talk Could Cause End of the World

By Bethlehem Shoals
[img=http://img357.imageshack.us/img357/3277/stevensonba9.jpg]
Look out LeBron, DeShawn Stevenson is not giving up. After pronouncing King James “overrated,” and then sustaining some weak hip-hop analogies from the Cleveland press (and Bron himself), Stevenson is back in the ring. From Wizards Insider:
“I hope we play Cleveland,” Stevenson said. “I’m going to get Soulja Boy courtside seats and have him wear a DeShawn Stevenson jersey. Maybe (James) can have Jay-Z there since LeBron’s all on his (shorts) anyway ... And tell LeBron to cut that beard off and stop copying me.”
You know, because DeShawn is Soulja Boy, who is beneath LeBron, who is like Jay-Z.
I really wasn’t that enthused about this story, and couldn’t quite get why everyone else was. The daring it took to besmirch LeBron? A rough approximation of Arenas talking from his own silly putty throne? The facile pop culture comparison? No, it’s far more serious than that. After consulting some scientists, I’ve determined that this one-sided beef could, in fact, quite possibly bring about the end of the world. Watch me now:
Scenario 1: DeShawn keeps at it. The teams meets in the first round, LeBron boycotts the series out of sheer annoyance. He expects the NBA and Nike to push the Cavs through anyway. That doesn’t work, so James gets on the phone to China, who has the bomb. They nuke D.C., which of course brings about that nuclear war we’ve all stopped worrying about.
Scenario 2: Jay-Z enters the fray, explaining that both players have simply ripped off the look of his associate Freeway. Freeway takes Stevenson and James on a tour of West Philly, both have a socio-spiritual awakening, and come back changed men. This enrages fans in Cleveland, an important swing state, deepening the racial divide and leading McCain to win those crucial electoral college votes. McCain accidentally directs the Space Shuttle to crash into Times Square, which freaks out everyone so much that we turn into zombies and eat each others’ brains.
Scenario 3: Al Sharpton presides over a really contrived unity press conference between the two players. It goes so well, he convinces them to run as a third party. They win, mostly because LeBron agrees to participate in the dunk contest if elected. Then they try and run the country, and within a month, we all starve to death because you can’t eat throwbacks.↵