The World According to David Stern

By Spencer Hall
David Stern is the commissioner of the NBA, and thinks traveling overseas for six weeks in the middle of the summer is no biggie. In fact, he’s going around the corner to Tokyo for some barbecue if you want to meet him there.

David Stern: Hello, yes, next question.
Reporter: So, you’re saying that Miami to Paris really isn’t that big a deal to ask NBA players to travel for the Olympics.
Stern: Why are you behaving like such an American? As I said earlier today: “It’s the same distance as flying cross-country.”
Reporter: Thank you, David, for the Geography lesson.
Stern: No, I think you need a lesson. Examine this map here for what I’m talking about.
[img=http://i.tsn.com/i/photos/20080328/88164.jpg]
Stern: Now, as you can see above, Portland is on the other side of the planet. It’s unreal how long it takes players to get out there. It’s so far away that when it’s 2:00 p.m. in your time zone, it’s five years ago in theirs. Seriously: they haven’t even seen the last episode of The Sopranos yet.
Reporter: Commissioner, don’t you think--
Stern: Wait, now, I’m not done here. This is a lesson, and you get to ask questions when I’m done. Now, I’ve been saying this since 1990: overseas isn’t that far away. Look, only 235 miles to Paris. Paris is closer than Chicago, people! It’s just over the water, and that freaks your little American brains out.
Reporter: David, I don’t think those distances are--
Stern: Really, you have to let me finish here. And Beijing? It’s a piddling FOURTEEN MILES!!! It’s closer to where I’m sitting than West Orange, New Jersey. See? Traveling overseas is no big deal, and to our players it’s a walk in the park.
Reporter: Why do we come to these press conferences again? I mean...
Stern: I’m David Stern, master of geography. If you want any other questions answered, you can address my invisible friend Walter, who will answer them all. Good day, gentlemen.
(H/T: With Leather)↵