Wake-Up Call: What Ovechkin Means to You

By Spencer Hall, who is really, really glad Mexico kicks Shanoff out today, because getting up this early makes your brain smaller.
You don’t watch much hockey. That’s a betting man’s statement, as hockey in the United States ain’t exactly pulling hat tricks in the ratings. An absolutely certain statement, though: You should be watching Alexander Ovechkin, even though you’re not. Ovechkin and his wondrously untoothy mouth scored a hat trick last night -- in the first period.
Ovechkin, sitting on 52 goals, may become the first player since Mario Lemieux in 1996 to score sixty goals. To the casual or novice hockey fan, that means if Ovechkin were in a video game, he’d be the glowing player skating at twice the speed of everyone else and scoring eight goals a game.
Randy Moss returns to the Patriots in what Joe Buck would call a disgusting display of loyalty. Moss’ return allows the Pats to continue heaving the ball in triple coverage without fear against every team but the Giants, who own them forever, or at least until next year.
Fifty-eight points. Blowout week continues. Texas Tech loses by 58 to Kansas, 109-51, in a game defying any and all explanation.
Really. It’s not like Kansas rolled in against the University of Phoenix’s online team: as Dan Hawkins would say, “IT’S DIVISION ONE BASKETBALL!!!” Fifty-eight point losses should be physically impossible.
Meaning: the scales have fallen from the eyes. A moment occurs in each transition from one coach to the next where, in an instant, you realize your team is doomed, doomed, doomed under the new management. I saw it in Florida’s 2002 loss to LSU under new coach Ron Zook, and this smells a lot like that. Pat Knight had a bad spot to begin with, but this puts him in a deep, possibly inescapable hole. Yes, that’s premature, but no, it’s not inaccurate.
Baron wants you to grow a beard. Baron Davis has issued the challenge. I’m already on it, chief.
The White Mamba! Dirk Nowitzki might be going the Evil Kobe route, though I think his takedown of Andrei Kirilenko last night was as accidental as any full smack of a human being to the ground can be.

The Jazz got revenge by winning, 116-110, behind twenty assists from Deron Williams.
Big Ben gets $102 mil from Pittsburgh, which seems to believe in buying its quarterback by the pound. Are they overpaying for Roethlisberger? No, ask any Falcons, Raiders or Bucs fan and he will tell you that not having your QB situation nailed down for even a few years can throw your entire organization into chaos. For a demonstrably good, 26-year-old QB, $102 mil is a solid wager.
Bonus! He’s already had his early-career motorcycle accident.
Barring a skydiving accident, he’s probably got the adrenaline sports out of his system.
Plus, he’s only getting $25 mil -- the signing bonus -- immediately, and you know, that’s like only 17 mil or so after taxes. You go try and live on that and see how comfortable you feel, Daddy Warbucks.
Or, you know, if you’re feeling cheap, you could be Jon Gruden, who’s still juggling QBs, bringing in Brian Griese for the second time. He’ll be just like he was the first time, but only older and slower!
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