Chris ‘Birdman’ Andersen’s 12-Step Program

By Bethlehem Shoals
The Birdman is back!!!
Chris Andersen, the White Chocolate of the power forward position, has been cleared to return to the Hornets after serving a two-year suspension for some drug or other. Some of you may know him as the author of the weirdest dunk contest entry ever, which had already opened him up to all sorts of “he’s on drugs” jokes.
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Most of the Hornets were stoked, but David West was a little wary: “I just have to see what happens . . . It’s just one of those things. . . . It’s a front-office thing. We’ve got to see what’s on the table now. Again, we know who our core group of guys are, and they are strong enough to carry the load.”
So for the benefit of Mr. West, and in the spirit of all those meetings Andersen probably had to attend, here’s my Twelve Steps for Chris Andersen Regaining the Confidence of David West:
1. Andersen admits that he’s a ragged, uneven player who makes Kenyon Martin look like Tim Duncan.
2. Andersen comes to believe that West is an All-Star power forward and upstanding citizen.
3. Andersen makes a decision to turn his will and life over to Chris Paul, which is his only hope to avoid self-destruction on and off the court.
4. Andersen makes a search and fearless moral inventory of his game, even if there’s not much there to plumb.
5. Andersen admits to David West the exact nature of his limitations as a player.
6. Andersen is ready to work with West to develop a jumper.
7. Andersen humbly asks West to help him develop a jumper.
8. Andersen makes a list of all the players he has dunked on, and all viewers of the 2005 dunk contest, and is willing to make amends with them.
9. Andersen bakes a lot of cookies and sends them out all over the world, for the reason explained above.
10. Andersen continues to take a personal inventory, or West does it for him, sometimes in the middle of games.
11. Andersen seeks through prayer and meditation to improve his conscious contact with Byron Scott, praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, Andersen will try to carry this message to compulsive over-eaters and to practice these principles in all his affairs.
If you ever need a friend, Chris, never hesitate to pick up that red phone and call me. I’ll be there.↵