General

The 10 Types of Fans You’ll See in Augusta

Apr 14, 2008, 9:51 PM UTC

Jon Show covered the Masters for TSB and SN. This post is the culmination of four days worth of observing golf fans in their natural environment.

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â†µI came to Augusta dreadfully ill-prepared to attend the Masters. I thought I was fine when I left my home in Charlotte, NC for the 150-minute drive. I’ve covered golf tournaments before. Golf shirts, check. Shorts, check. Socks and underwear, check. What else do you need?
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â†µâ†µWaiting in line for the gates to open at 7 o’clock on Wednesday morning, I knew I’d made a terrible mistake. There were men in seersucker coats and women in sundresses and elaborate hats. The Masters was the Kentucky Derby of golf, and all I’d worn was an old baseball hat.â†µ

â†µâ†µI ran through a mental checklist of items I’d brought but none would suffice. I wasn’t sure if I wanted old lady Augusta seeing me like this. “Clothes make the man,” as Mark Twain said famously. “Naked people have little or no influence on society.” So nudity was out.â†µ

â†µâ†µI thought about making a quick stop in the merchandise shop but decided it was unprofessional to wear the logo of the event you’re covering. Then I entered the media center and found dozens of reporters with Masters hats, shirts and jackets. I even saw one with Masters socks. For some reason I don’t imagine the legendary J.G. Taylor Spink ever wore a Cardinals jersey in the press box.â†µ

â†µâ†µGolf and the rodeo are the only sports where fans dress head-to-toe like the competitors. In baseball, football and hockey you can wear the tops but not the bottoms. I envision tennis fans dressing like Roger Federer, but really, who cares. â†µ

â†µâ†µFootwear presents another issue. Women in high heels are always a favorite of mine, as are men in golf spikes. I secretly hope both twist an ankle.â†µ

â†µâ†µThe thousands dressed in golf shirts and shorts aside, most people at Augusta fit into ten categories, each of which I’ve named for an athlete, celebrity or movie character to give you some perspective. Surprisingly, no one wants their picture taken for a story like this.â†µ

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â†µâ†µCategory One - Jimmy Buffett
â†µHawaiian shirt, mid-thigh shorts and thinning hair. Likely some sort of sandal that looks like a torture device from Egyptian times. Smokes $3 cigar.
â†µGoal: Watch golf and leer at women his daughter's age.â†µ

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â†µâ†µCategory Two - Suze Orman
â†µLots of pastels and see through linen pants. If there's such a thing as sexy Easter wear, this is it. It's not good. Usually smokes Marlboro 100s.
â†µGoal: Show off 8 pounds recently lost on Jenny Craig.â†µ

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â†µâ†µCategory Three - Sergio Garcia
â†µTall and muscular with remnants of fading, ill-advised hair highlights. Dressed in logo performance gear that makes you think he's a pro golfer, when he probably works as a teaching pro at a driving range.
â†µGoal: Get on a mini-tour. Not lose girlfriend. Keep hair looking boss.â†µ

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â†µâ†µCategory Four - Paris Hilton
â†µClad in a revealing sundress, skirt or top. She's here with the driving range pro but hoping if she invests enough time at the putting green she'll be invited to an after party.
â†µGoal: Get tipsy on margaritas.â†µ

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â†µâ†µCategory Five - Robert E. Lee
â†µMy friend calls this type of guy "Frat-tastic." Swooping 'Bama Bangs, embroidered belt, pink shirt, madras shorts and flip flops. Croakies keep his wrap-around sunglasses from falling off his neck.
â†µGoal: Score dimebag off maintenance crew.â†µ

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â†µâ†µCategory Six - Larry The Cable Guy
â†µThe jean shorts say he's not a golf fan, but the size of his midsection says he might be. Usually swears a lot and complains about the high price of the $2 beers. He's either alone or with three friends who bear a sharp resemblance to him.
â†µGoal: Drink and crack inappropriate jokes.â†µ

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â†µâ†µCategory Seven - Alex Baldwin
â†µExpensive golf shirt with a corporate logo that he obviously got for free. Slicked hair or Marquis Jets hat. $8 cigar. Asks for Heineken when the first person goes for beers. He dispenses financial advice no one should heed.
â†µGoal: Appear to be a member whose green jacket was misplaced.â†µ

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â†µâ†µCategory Eight - Judge Smails
â†µOld and rich, donning a green jacket no matter the level of the heat. Eye contact is not encouraged.
â†µGoal: Already reached.â†µ

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â†µâ†µCategory Nine - Rue McClanahan
â†µStrategically wrapped sweaters in 85 degree heat. Large hat with a ribbon.
â†µGoal: Keep red wine from staining teeth.â†µ

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â†µâ†µCategory Ten - Joe/Jan Superfan
â†µWearing Masters logo from head to foot, sitting a green and yellow Masters chair. The hierarchy is set by the person with the oldest date on their hat.
â†µGoal: Be able to recount every shot of every tournament.â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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