Boston’s Pyrotechnics Knock Out Big Ben

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↵What’s the most important thing about Boston’s home court advantage? That they pelt their adversaries with chemical weapons, insidious devices that the Celtics and their faithful all have grown immune to. When Ben Wallace collapsed last night and left the game early, it was attributed to “vertigo,” then “allergies.” But the man himself traces it back to the smoke and fury that whips the Garden into a frenzy:↵↵⇥“You know it’s a tough place for allergies, but no one has warned me,” Wallace said. “That’s when it started -- headaches. Then it got worse. I got lightheaded and my head started spinning.”↵⇥
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↵⇥“I got lightheaded,” he said. “There was smoke in the first quarter. You can’t play basketball with your head spinning like that.”↵↵I know Boston fans are stoked to be back in the limelight, but I expect more from the city that invented America. This is terrorism, plain and simple, and must be stopped. Hell, maybe the Celts would be more fun to watch if they were repeatedly subject to the NBA arena equivalent of asbestos sno-cones.↵
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↵If the Hornets let out a hoard of hornets before each game, and just prayed that none stung their own players, would that be team spirit? It would certainly be intimidating, grandioise, vaguely religious, sneaky, and kind of fascist. For heaven’s sake, isn’t the flying talcum powder enough? Why not just drop a bunch of pig’s blood on the floor and equip the crowd with hand cymbals. It’s weird and dangerous, and that’s not basketball to me.↵