The Enumerative: What Not to Do With the Cup

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↵The Red Wings won the right to hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup last eve, and while the players all seemed to be enjoying their time with the trophy, we have some warnings for those who may come in contact with the Cup. Presenting five things that you should not do with Stanley:
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I know this happened already, but let me emphasize: babies and children are vectors for more diseases than you can possibly even imagine. Ask any teacher, and they’ll tell you that hanging around kids is the equivalent of working in a plague ward. Putting one of them in the Stanley Cup isn’t a celebration; it’s a public health threat. ~ Spencer
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Aside from that fact that a dozen or more dudes have already slapped their saliva on the trophy, consider the fact that the Cup was likely polished up with silver cleaner before being paraded around the ice. I’m no doctor, but it’s my understanding that silver cleaner can, and will, cause eye damage, skin burns and respiratory irritation. Oh, and it can lead to a little thing called “cancer.” ~ Chris
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We’re in a recession, and the commoners who get to touch the cup are a desperate, shameful collection of rabble who will do anything to fill the tanks of their SUVs. Grabbing your shiny trophy and selling it for scrap metal is not paranoid fantasy -- it is a certainty. ~ Spencer
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One word: Awwwwkwaaaaard. ↵

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↵Although there would be one advantage to breaking the cup part from its massive base: It would make consuming champagne or Crown Royal or Elk’s blood or whatever else Canadians enjoy drinking much less complicated. Not that we’d encourage that, because again, we take our sanitation quite seriously around here. ~ Chris
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Candy is bad for you, for starters, and it’s not like hockey players have many teeth left to work with anyway. Putting skittles in one of these things is just asking to rot the teeth out of your hockey team’s head, and though that may make them more effective brawlers (nothing to lose!), it’s not in the benefit of their long-term health. In addition to this, sugar makes people cranky when they crash. Do you want a cranky, toothless defender demanding more candy from you? I didn’t think so. ~ Spencer↵