No, I’m the Most Masochistic Sports-Type Writer

It was a nice try, Jim Souhan of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. You vomited not once, but twice during your pro workout with Matt Birk, who practices an insane fitness regime called MILO: Mike’s Insane Lifting Order, a routine named after his trainer involving both standard weight lifting and the evil stuff I did at Division One fitness a few weeks ago. You looked way tougher than I did, and actually worked out with a pro athlete to boot, meaning you got great quotes like this: ↵↵⇥Birk, after his first MILO workout, found he couldn’t bend over to touch his knees. And he urinated blood for a few days.↵⇥↵⇥“I asked him if he had gotten that looked at,” Morris said. “He said ‘No.’ It went away. So I guess it was OK.”↵⇥

↵↵By the way, the exact same thing happened to me when I went out with the guys from Kissing Suzy Kolber one night. I didn’t go to the doctor, either. ↵↵It was a nice grab at the title of Most Masochistic Sportswriter Type, especially the bit where you did this evil stuff with two-inch boat ropes that, while deceptively simple, contributed to vomiting fest one. Oh, you think you’ve got me there, but you’re wrong, Souhan. Guess what’s going to be on my doorstep tomorrow morning, paperboy? ↵

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↵↵BAM! ↵

↵↵That’s right, thirty feet of Manila’s finest, courtesy of UPS, daddy. And as soon as I get it, I’ll be in the park scaring children by throwing this around until my breakfast decides to scream “FREEDOM!” like William Wallace and leap from my gullet onto the grass, thus reclaiming my title as the Most Masochistic. Nice try, but bow to the champ, Souhan. For my next feat, I’ll attempt to make it through a social lunch with Jay Mariotti and Skip Bayless! And for dessert, Rampage Jackson will beat me with the stunned body of Mike Lupica! I CANNOT BE STOPPED! ↵

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