Sheryl Crow Ensures Americans Will Win Zero Medals at Olympic Games This Summer

The Chinese already have the Games rigged. We’re sure of this for so many reasons: The accusations of spying on the Dutch Women’s Soccer team last year, the micromanagement of the games down to allegedly asking bar owners not to admit blacks and Mongolians to the bars, or simply letting Western athletes choke on the sandpaper-flavored air of Beijing. If all of this fails, a Tibetan protester will be catapulted into the path of an incoming non-Chinese athlete to prevent non-Chinese victories. When a U.S. sprinter is knocked off path by Mr. Boshay Lopsang, formerly of Lhasa, shortly before winning a gold medal next month, you’ll call me a seer and a prophet.↵
↵
↵The Chinese may have even been behind the official pick for the Olympic Inspirational Song of Soaring Beauty and Grace, which used to go to some singalong rock anthem made by either U2 or Coldplay, but has this year gone to Sheryl Crow with a song called “So Glad We Made It.” If you didn’t think you could develop anemia through the ear, you can. Here’s how:↵

↵
↵So...weak...if you feel stricken by the bone-weakening fatigue that song induces, just imagine what it’s going to do to our fine athletes when they hear it. We’re screwed, America, and it’s all your fault, Sheryl Crow. The upside is that you can look forward to only hearing that song 458,918 times during all the NBC coverage you won’t be watching.↵