General

How to Watch the Tour de France

Jul 9, 2008, 5:50 PM UTC

For the uninitiated, you might consider watching the Tour de France a complete waste of time. However, for the casual viewer who knows nothing about wattage per hour, the Alpe d’Huez, or peloton politics, there is still much to like about the Tour de France besides all those men in tight pants, er, I MEAN the fierce competition! (What do you mean by “closeted?” No, I don’t watch Bravo. Okay, only Project Runway. And Top Chef.) â†µâ†µA few helpful tips for enjoying the Tour de France properly. â†µ

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â†µOne: Watch Versus. Their team of announcers and cameramen bring the gliding scenery, oddball fans, and athletes on the verge of collapse into your living room in a way that's neither sensational nor clinical. Bob Roll, former chase man for Lance Armstrong, is particularly entertaining: his collection of stories leads the viewer to believe that there is not one square inch of the race course the "earthy" Roll has not urinated, vomited, or done worse on as a former racer. Versus covers the irregular rhythm of the race perfectly, putting correspondents in chase cars for the speed stages and cameramen on the back of scooters for the death-defying mountain descents. It's quality work on a genuinely challenging event, and is the crown jewel of Versus' sports package. â†µ

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â†µTwo: People crash. Yay. Don't deny it: you like to watch people crash. Given that each rider is putting out a toaster oven's energy on most stages, and that they travel 26 miles per hour at mellow cruising speed on level ground, and that they're all racing in close quarters at their physical limits on mountain roads, crashes are a given. When they do happen--provided no one's really hurt, of course--they are NASCAR spectacular without all that pesky padding and protection. â†µ

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â†µMore often than not, the guys get up and don’t miss a beat before riding another thirty hurl-inducing miles at full speed afterwards. â†µ

â†µThree: France is beautiful. A german saying: "He is living like God in France." The Tour de France might as well be brought to you by the French Ministry of Tourism, since the footage of the race is as much of birds soaring over the alps, sunflowers in bloom waving in the breeze, and pastoral France in all its midsummer glory. If nothing else, zone out and enjoy the scenery, which sometimes includes women in bikini tops, which is also nice. â†µ

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â†µFour: Marvel at the Insanity of the Race Itself. â†µQuantitatively, the race is mind-shredding: 3500 kilometers, 21 stages, mountain climbs at staggering angles, and all done at a pace that would break a conditioned amateur rider in a matter of two days or so. (You and I would die sometime in hour two of stage one.) Numbers may be hard to really grasp, though, so consider the sheer proximity of fans to the race, where they are allowed during mountain and rural stages to run alongside their favorite riders. No other sport features such a lack of padding between athlete and fan: try running on the field at an NFL game and find this out the hard way, or just take my word for it.â†µ

â†µâ†µAlso consider that the race is essentially run not on an isolated stage, but through the middle of people’s lives. You’ll often see people turning out on their front porches to watch the riders zip by. Sometimes they keep their dogs on the porch. Sometimes, unfortunately, they don’t. â†µ

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