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The Enumerative: Tailgating Booze

Sep 4, 2008, 9:00 PM UTC

Welcome to our incredibly innovativeâ†µfeature, The Enumerative. Because lists are awesome, plus effectiveâ†µtime killers, in this space we'll provide a top five based loosely onâ†µsomething that has recently occurred in the sporting world. It'sâ†µcompiled by Chris Mottram and Spencer Hall, unless otherwise noted.
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â†µBetween the kick-off of the college football season last week and tonight’s NFL opener, we are getting into prime tailgating territory. Because the most vital part of any good tailgate is the beverages (food only wastes valuable booze-space), we’re here to assist you with all your intoxication needs by presenting our list of the top five tailgating drinks. This list is, of course, highly disputable based on taste, tolerance, region, sex, etc., so please feel free to leave your favorites in the comments section ... or just make fun of ours.â†µ

â†µAmerican-style light lager of your choosing. Our preference: Miller High Life. Tailgates often take place in hellish conditions in the Southeast, thus requiring a beer that can stand up to the fierce conditions of an all-day, 92 degree Baton Rouge tailgate. Thus the call for the champagne of beers. It can also double as water in an emergency, which easy on the wallet, because it’s cheaper than bottled H20.â†µ

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â†µ Sweet Tea Vodka. Yes, altering the flavor of your booze with anything other than soda, or other types of booze, is less-than-masculine. Sweet tea vodka would be totally unacceptable if, say, you ordered it at a bar while out with your brahs. But drinking it in the late summer/early autumn heat, while mingling with those of the female persuasion is quite alright. Plus, the recipe is simple: 16 oz. Dixie cup, top with ice, fill with sweet tea vodka, drink, repeat. The stuff is dangerous, but so is being sober. â†µ

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â†µGuinness. Buy it in those black, pint-sized rocket cans, not the bottles. It's slightly flat, thus allowing for endless consumption; full of vitamins, so eliminating the need for pesky, bulky food that takes up beer's spot in your stomach; and most importantly, cracking the tab activates a science experiment in your hand. It's like an episode of Bill Nye, Science Guy where everyone gets beer! There's nothing to dislike about this. Bonus: great for cold weather. â†µ

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â†µThe Mojito. Women love, love,â†µlove mojitos: they're sweet, they're minty, they provide the little bitâ†µof unnecessary and obnoxious ... how do you say ... "eff-furt" thatâ†µwomen seem to require at every turn. My recipe is simple, and variesâ†µfrom round to round. For the first round of mojitos, crush a handful ofâ†µfresh mint leaves in a glass, then add the juice of a lime wedge. Addâ†µrum and simple syrup, and serve. For the second one, skip the limeâ†µentirely, throw the mint leaves into a glass, and then cover with rum,â†µcorn syrup. Give to a woman. She will not notice the difference, andâ†µwill begin dancing around screaming "THAT'S MY JAM." For the third,â†µspray the juice of one lime wedge into your eye, throw the glass ontoâ†µthe pavement, and pour rum directly into mouth. If you get to a fourthâ†µ"mojito," you're on your own. Be creative! Add fireworks, whole piecesâ†µof poultry, or whatever suits your palate. No one will notice at thisâ†µpoint.â†µ

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â†µCrown Royal. Canada has given America so much for which we should be thankful (we can’t think of any right now, but we’re sure they have), but chief amongst them is this fine whisky. Crown works best if mixed with soda (we prefer ginger ale) for the first few hours of the tailgate, with the crown-to-soda ratio increasing with each cocktail you make. Sometime around 30-45 minutes before kick-off, as you frantically attempted to stuff as much booze into your bloodstream as possible, you’re gonna want to trash the cup, forget about the soda, and just start guzzling the sweet nectar straight from the source. But be sure to keep it in its plush, purple, velvet bag while chugging -- it’ll make you look totally classy. Although you must keep this very true fact in mind: Possession of a Crown Royal bag is on the books as being probable cause for a search by police due to its popularity as a carry-all for drugs. So, finish your drugs before heeding my chug-out-of-bottle-in-bag advice. â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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