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Goldy the Gopher Gets Religious With Penn State’s Jerome Hayes

Oct 20, 2009, 6:40 PM UTC

â†µThe scene: Beaver Stadium moments before Saturday’s Minnesota-Penn State game. Penn State charges onto the field; several players undertake their customary pregame prayers. One, Jerome Hayes, does this in front of the visiting Golden Gopher.â†µ

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â†µâ†µGOLDY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: Oh crap oh crap oh crap. I did it again. Stupid, stupid Goldy. Always taking the mascot hijinks too far. I barely kept my job after I had Tim Brewster’s wife kidnapped by a shiftless drifter and Steve Buscemi, and now I’ve decided to mock a defensive lineman’s prayer to his God in front of 110,000 Penn State fans. Couldn’t have been a slot receiver, no, had to be a lineman. â†µ

â†µâ†µI’m a dead man. â†µ

â†µâ†µJEROME HAYES INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: I am going to make that Gopher eat its tail. Amen.â†µ

â†µâ†µGOLDY: Wait. Wait, what if I’m actually praying? â†µThen this is a prayer circle-type thing. No one can get on me for praying. Okay. Okay. Dear Gopher Jesus, please prevent Jerome Hayes from beating me until I look like Jared Leto in Fight Club. Gopher Jesus—â†µ

â†µâ†µGOPHER JESUS: Yes, my child.â†µ

â†µâ†µGOLDY: Gopher Jesus?â†µ

â†µâ†µGJ: It is I, who died for your gopher sins.â†µ

â†µâ†µGOLDY: I never get this sort of personal attention from regular Jesus.â†µ

â†µâ†µGJ: Gopher Jesus isn’t a tough gig. I set up an autoresponder to “Oh, Gopher Jesus, please give me some gopher food” and kick back with the Golden Girls. You are the first gopher in history to ask for anything else. So what do you want?â†µ

â†µâ†µGOLDY: Could you prevent Penn State defensive end Jerome Hayes from ripping me to pieces and roasting me over a spit? â†µ

â†µâ†µGJ: Sure. â†µ

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â†µGOLDY: Awesome. While you're here, could you deliver a mighty Gopher victory today?â†µ

â†µâ†µGJ: No. Have you looked at the last 50 years? I lost a bet to Wolverine Jesus. And Badger Jesus. And Hawkeye Jesus, who doesn’t even exist because there’s no such thing. â†µ

â†µâ†µGOLDY: Okay. How about a good, close game?â†µ

â†µâ†µGJ: Nope.â†µ

â†µâ†µGOLDY: Can you ensure that we score points of any kind?â†µ

â†µâ†µGJ: Negatory.â†µ

â†µâ†µGOLDY: I see.â†µ

â†µâ†µGJ: I can set you up with a fist bump no problem though. â†µ

â†µâ†µGOLDY: Oh. â†µ

â†µâ†µGJ: Hey, man. You’re not even a real gopher. I’d take it.â†µ

â†µâ†µGOLDY: Yeah, yeah, that’s cool. Not even a field goal?â†µ

â†µâ†µGJ: Fist bump or nothing.â†µ

â†µâ†µGOLDY: Okay, yeah, fist bump.â†µ

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