Swine Flu Puts a Halt to the Beauty of Soccer Spits

President Obama recently designated swine flu a national emergency, but the world over, people are having to take precautions to stanch the spread of the virus.↵↵Churchgoers won’t hug each other. People are constantly slathering disinfectant on themselves. Panic’s about to pour forth into the streets. All right, maybe not, but people are still taking measures to avoid getting sick.↵

↵↵Athletes are especially vulnerable, what with being in close contact while sweating and all. In North America, three NHL players have come down with H1N1. It’s afflicted two Premier League players in England, as well. Sports pandemic status!↵

↵↵The scourge threatens our very way of life, as evidenced by the fact that soccer officials want to discourage players from spitting on the field.↵

↵↵⇥“Spitting is disgusting at all times. It’s unhygienic and unhealthy, particularly if you spit close to other people,” said a [Health Protection Agency] spokesman. “Footballers, like the rest of us, wouldn’t spit indoors, so they shouldn’t do it on the football pitch.”↵↵↵One would assume it’s only a matter of time until this standard is asked of baseball players as well. But what are sports without loutish behavior? Boring, that’s what. Curse you, swine flu!↵

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