Never Discount the Restorative Power of Placenta Juices

Arsenal striker Robin van Persie partially ruptured ligaments in his left ankle while pulling international duty with Holland. Not the greatest of timing, as he’s scored eight goals in his past 11 games. Now he’s reportedly sidelined for four-to-six weeks. ↵

↵↵But is he ever eager to get back on the pitch. He’ll try anything, even placenta fluid. Because, well, why not? His buddy Dante Lazovic tried it once, and he claimed it worked. So it must. It’s science. Or pseudoscience. Close enough.↵

↵↵⇥“I will fly to the Balkans to meet with a female doctor who helped Lazovic. She is vague about her methods but I know she massages you using fluid from a placenta. I’m going to try. It cannot hurt and if it helps, it helps. I’ve been in contact with Arsenal physiotherapists and they have let me do it.”↵↵↵What kind of placenta are we talking about here? I would imagine human placenta, but that doesn’t seem like it would be very healthy. Probably loaded with chemicals. You definitely need calf placenta, but only if the mother was free range and not fed a diet laden with chemicals. Or get the placenta of a far more obscure animal. If there’s any rule of thumb about quackery, it’s that the more obscure the animal part you’re using, the more potent its healing effects. So ibex placenta it is!↵

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