General

This Week In Schadenfreude: Nov. 2

Nov 2, 2009, 8:25 PM UTC

â†µThis Week in Schadenfreude contains some naughty language, so if you’re easily offended move on to the next post.â†µ

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â†µâ†µ

â†µâ†µI was pretty sure Michigan would escape the big pre-jumpâ†µfeature this year just because expectations were so low going in andâ†µsomething around 7-5 in the regular season would be a major step forward. But in the aftermath of Illinois -- freaking Illinois, whichâ†µhasn’t beaten a I-A team all year, or even come close -- turning a 13-pointâ†µdeficit into a ridiculous blowout with some help from instant replay, aâ†µgoal-line stand and Michigan’s terrible defense Iâ†µwrote this:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥[A]t around 6:30 on October 31st, 2009, [Illinois DE Corey Liugetâ†µâ‡¥andâ†µâ‡¥I] both felt like we had been punched in the dong. In Liuget’s case,â†µâ‡¥this is because he had been punchedâ†µâ‡¥in the dong.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥In my case, and probably in yours, you had not actually been punchedâ†µâ‡¥in the dong unless you had decided at some point that going outside withâ†µâ‡¥your buddies and punching each other in the dongs was preferable toâ†µâ‡¥watch the metaphorical dong-punching that started when Roy Roundtree’sâ†µâ‡¥knee hit the ground at the one yard line and has not, to my knowledge,â†µâ‡¥stopped. If you managed to miss this play and its aftermath because youâ†µâ‡¥were outside getting punched in the dong, congratulations: this is theâ†µâ‡¥one and only time when your decision-making skills will ever be regardedâ†µâ‡¥above average. Punch yourself in the dong in celebration.â†µâ†µâ†µThere are approximately 500 more words just on this topic. The punching. And soâ†µhere we are, bestowing Michigan another Tears of Infiniteâ†µSadness award.â†µ

â†µâ†µIn the aftermath of that bomb, I put my home base on quasi-lockdownâ†µand liberally deleted items that crossed the line into TWIS-worthyâ†µstuff, and an e-mailer points out that’s a little hypocritical forâ†µsomeone who does this every week. He’s right, so here’s a peek into myâ†µinbox. Warning: you are about to take a trip into the heart ofâ†µdarkness.â†µ

â†µ

â†µHere's a guy calling himself "Thomas Marcus The Great,"â†µliberally dashed for the kiddies:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥Remove me from this board. I’m sick of every Michigan fan living inâ†µâ‡¥denial of the fact that our coach does not fit our team system. BECAUSEâ†µâ‡¥HE DOESN’T. I’m sick to f--- of this man. I’m sick of his bitching aboutâ†µâ‡¥the team on the sideline. His a----- antics torwards his players after aâ†µâ‡¥bad play he needs to go. You can’t tell yourself your not happy either.â†µâ‡¥F------ losing to a 1-6 Illinois team? There’s something wrong and I’mâ†µâ‡¥sick of it.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Good luck with your board. Lot of people there that are blind.â†µâ†µâ†µFor some reason in the aftermath of things like this -- and I’ve gotâ†µexperience, yes I do -- there’s a spate of people asking me to delete theirâ†µaccounts. Idea: delete it yourself by not using it. Reward:â†µScott Tenorman of the Week.â†µ

â†µâ†µAnother brings forth the state of Michigan’s most famous ineptâ†µspread quarterback fiasco disaster: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥Are We Becoming the JLS Spartans?â†µâ†µâ†µThis one is long, frustrated, and not dumb. At the end it reallyâ†µbrings home the Michigan fanbase portion of the angst, though:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥He can’t beat s----- teams in October in four tries over two yearsâ†µâ‡¥then he’s got to take the heat for that. It reminds me of theâ†µâ‡¥story when Brezhnev succeeded Khrushchev in the USSR. K gave B twoâ†µâ‡¥letters and said when you get in your first jam, open this letter.â†µâ‡¥When you get in your second jam, open this one.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥The first jam came, B opened the letter which said “Blame it allâ†µâ‡¥on me, that you inherited the problems from me and you’ll get throughâ†µâ‡¥it.” The second jam came, B opened the second letter whichâ†µâ‡¥said: “Sit down and write two letters.” When youâ†µâ‡¥get outscored 31-0 in the second by a team that has not beaten a I-Aâ†µâ‡¥team until today and can’t punch it in from first and goal from the oneâ†µâ‡¥against the worst rushing defense in the league, it’s time to sit downâ†µâ‡¥and write two letters.â†µâ†µâ†µThat’s kind of a firing request, isn’t it? That remains hasty, butâ†µpoke a Michigan fan this day to find out what he thinks and you’reâ†µprobably not going to get “that remains hasty.” Sports fansâ†µaren’t Ents. They’re anti-Ents. â†µ

â†µâ†µThe rest of the week in spleen after the jump.â†µ

â†µACC

â†µâ†µThe Michigan ‘freude spills over into a second conference as From Old Virginia, a UVAâ†µblog run by a guy who also went to school at Michigan, surveysâ†µthe next month of his life:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥iâ†µâ‡¥have two favorite football teams and neither one of them is going to winâ†µâ‡¥again for the rest of the seasonâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥also, I am a Lions fanâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥i hate footballâ†µâ†µâ†µThe ennui is so overwhelming that punctuation and capitalization goâ†µout the window: FOV has descended into emo MySpace mode. This isâ†µentirely appropriate after losing to Duke. â†µ

â†µBIG EAST

â†µâ†µThe only satisfaction West Virginia fans got out ofâ†µthe weekend was grimly watching Rich Rodriguez implode, after a weird Fridayâ†µnight game against South Florida saw the Bulls extend their strangeâ†µdominance over the league’s premier program, pending Cincinnatiâ†µascension noted. Bulls quarterback B.J. Daniels refuses to throw or runâ†µfor anything less than 60 yards, which makes him ineptly dangerous. Billâ†µStewart punted from the USF 33 yard line down eight points late in theâ†µgame, which just makes him inept. â†µ

â†µâ†µThere are actually guys on the WVU boards arguing in favor of theâ†µdecision and blaming the punter for not shanking it enough,â†µbut a few guys have their heads on straight about how terrible that was.â†µThey might go over the top, but if you told me I had to pick between thisâ†µguy ...â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥I agree with Stew. Punter’s fault. They practice all week. Gotta puntâ†µâ‡¥it inside the 5 out of bounds. DO NOT KICK it in the end zone what everâ†µâ‡¥you do. I’m sure the coaches told him that. Punt the ball!â†µâ†µâ†µ... and thisâ†µguy...â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥He’s gutless and clueless, and his teams play the same way.â†µâ†µâ†µ... for anything ever, I’d pick the lunatic with a basic grasp of mathâ†µover the lunatic who thinks teams practice punts from the 33.â†µ

â†µâ†µIn the aftermath, it’s always fun to hop on West Virginia’s Scoutâ†µboard and soakâ†µin the all-caps: â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥
IS ALL HOPE REALLY LOST????
â†µ

â†µâ†µThis guy argues no. This guy argues yes and has a greatâ†µidea for one of those website things:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥
www.coachstewartsucks.com
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥how come we dont have one of these websites?â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥i woud support and post there as well if we could...â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥BET there would be lots of support for this!â†µ

â†µâ†µThat must be a first: someone complaining thatâ†µthe Fire Coach X website doesn’t exist. There’s a FireCoachX.com siteâ†µfor everyone. â†µ

â†µâ†µAnd as always, there are Richâ†µRodriguezâ†µthreadsâ†µto peruse. I loveâ†µToddie00 to bits:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥
ROD WAS AWESOME AGAINST USF
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Since everyone is complaining about how Bill lost the game last nightâ†µâ‡¥(not because the team did not execute, ALL BILL)â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥What about the Haters SAViOR AND GOD, RR, I do believe he did not winâ†µâ‡¥in 2006 or 2007 against USF, but I guess that was ok????â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Per all the haters, didn't Rod have a Mercedes of a team or aâ†µâ‡¥Jag?? You tell meâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥So I guess its ok when Rod loses with the best WVU players ever butâ†µâ‡¥when Stew lost with a Toyota/Ford?? It is the end of theâ†µâ‡¥world....â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥That makes perfect SENSEâ†µ

â†µâ†µYESSSSSSS random capitalization.â†µ

â†µBIG TEN

â†µâ†µPoor Indiana. I mean, you’re Indiana and youâ†µhave fourth-quarter leads at both Michigan and Iowa and come up emptyâ†µbecause of questionable calls in both games. And you’re Indiana. It’s to the point where thisâ†µdoesn’t seem irrational:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥God HATES IU Football....seriously. I’m so sick of thisâ†µâ‡¥crapâ†µâ†µâ†µDid you see the Tyler Sash interception? Or the ridiculouslyâ†µoverturned Indiana touchdown? That’s just truth.â†µ

â†µBIG 12

â†µâ†µSometimes the best TWIS material doesn’t get posted until sometimeâ†µafter Monday; we’ll see a fantastic example of this in the SEC sectionâ†µin a moment. Its relevance to this section has to do withâ†µNebraska, which turned it over eight times against Iowaâ†µState last week in a 9-7 loss. One of the writers at Corn Nation then headedâ†µin for a physical: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥Next up is a mental health questionnaire. Again I wonder if they giveâ†µâ‡¥this to everyone or if I’m special because of the way I look, which isâ†µâ‡¥deranged, even when sleeping.â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥I take a look at it, and I’m going down through the list of questionsâ†µâ‡¥that include what seems like normal stuff: Do you feel guilty? Do youâ†µâ‡¥feel sad? Do you feel happy?â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥The next one on the list, however, catches me by surprise:â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥- Do you feel like you’re being punished?â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥I stare at it for a minute. I’ve never really thought about it. Do Iâ†µâ‡¥feel like I’m being punished..... Mrs CN has reminded me that Iâ†µâ‡¥take this whole Nebraska football thing a little too personal, but atâ†µâ‡¥this moment I have to wonder...... Do I feel like I’m being punished?â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥Who am I kidding? Eight turnovers, seven points and losing at homeâ†µâ‡¥for the first time in 32 years to Iowa State? You’re damned right I feelâ†µâ‡¥like I’m being punished, so I go ahead and check that, yes, I feel likeâ†µâ‡¥I’m being punished. â†µâ†µPAC-10

â†µâ†µUSC’s remarkable run at the top of the Pac-10 and, often, collegeâ†µfootball came to an end with a 47-20 stomping at the hands of Oregon.â†µOver at We Are SC, it’s time to reflect, appreciate a nearly decade-longâ†µrun of dominance, and thank Peteâ†µCarroll for what he’s done: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥howe do you explain this ?â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES - pete can recruit and motivate-heâ†µâ‡¥cannot coach period !!!â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥he has now been embarrassed by THREE offenses in a row !!!â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥watch our recruiting fall off the charts after this - there is noâ†µâ‡¥way henderson, powell, shaw, lache, etc come here after this - we couldâ†µâ‡¥even get beaten by Stanford at this rateâ†µâ†µâ†µIf Pete Carroll is an emperor with no clothes, what does that makeâ†µevery other coach in college football? They must have no skin. USC isâ†µthe nation’s prime candidate for a fanbase civil war between folks likeâ†µthe guy quoted above and responders likeâ†µthis guy: â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥ Disgusting and Pathetic FANBASE â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥You know who you are.â†µâ‡¥
â†µ

â†µâ†µ“UncleWheaty” asks “have we becomeâ†µjaded?” Of course you’ve become jaded. Your team hasâ†µwon the conference seven straight years. How many replies did Uncleâ†µWheaty get? Zero. Jaded.â†µ

â†µâ†µAnd this guy wins theâ†µinternet this week:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Dear Spread Offense, â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥I FREAKIN HATE YOU
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Regards,â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Trojan Fanâ†µ

â†µSEC

â†µâ†µGeorgia bloggers are getting warmed up for longâ†µdiatribes that involve punching yourself in sensitive areas afterâ†µanother loss to Florida, this time a crushing one. They’re not quiteâ†µthere yet, but you can see the twitch in the eye, the lip-biting, theâ†µpacing around hoping the dog shows its face so you can punt it. Even Dawg Sports -- the most lawyer-tasticâ†µsports blog of them all, and that’s saying something -- is cleaningâ†µup vomit afterwards: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥That, quite simply, was as bad as it possibly could have been.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥All of our excuses were exposed as falsehoods and all of our hopesâ†µâ‡¥were reduced to dust. ... â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥In 1992, as I sat numb and dumbfounded in the passenger seat of myâ†µâ‡¥father’s car while we drove away from Jacksonville after seeing Rayâ†µâ‡¥Goff’s best team beaten by Steve Spurrier’s worst team, a realizationâ†µâ‡¥dawned clearly and completely in my mind: No Ray Goff-coached teamâ†µâ‡¥will ever beat a Steve Spurrier-coached team. None ever did.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Today, this realization came to me with equal clarity and certainty:â†µâ‡¥The current Georgia coaching staff will never beat the currentâ†µâ‡¥Florida coaching staff. One or the other must change before we willâ†µâ‡¥ever win in Jacksonville again.â†µâ†µâ†µThis is one short step away from true apathetic gallows humor, a stepâ†µthat a couple other Georgia blogs -- remember, this school’s blogosphereâ†µis just about the most rational in college football -- have embracedâ†µwholeheartedly:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥If the entire defensive coaching staff had gone to Bermuda for twoâ†µâ‡¥weeks and simply met the team at the stadium, what would have beenâ†µâ‡¥different about our game plan or execution? Seriously.â†µâ†µâ†µIt would have been really tan. And then there’s just crushingâ†µennui:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥From the ESPNâ†µâ‡¥recap: “That’s a bunch of fake juice, coaches trying to getâ†µâ‡¥their players going because it was a pretty close game,” (Ryan) Stamperâ†µâ‡¥said.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥This is what the Georgia program has come to: gimmickry instead ofâ†µâ‡¥fundamental football.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥I wasn’t expecting too much today, so I didn’t think I could beâ†µâ‡¥embarrassed watching this team play, but I guess I underestimatedâ†µâ‡¥them.â†µâ†µâ†µAnd Mark Richt begins to feel serious heat. â†µ

â†µâ†µTennessee destroyed South Carolina, but this columnâ†µwould be remiss if it didn’t revisit last week’s Tears-securing loss toâ†µAlabama for this beauty. It is NSFW like whoah:â†µ

â†µ