General

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Big Ten Edition

Jul 27, 2009, 7:31 PM UTC

Take it from someone who went last year: conference media days are notâ†µan event. Yes, they involve a large number of people descending on oneâ†µplace and participating in one common activity and thus meet theâ†µ“technical” “definition” of an event, but think outside the bun here.â†µNot an event.
â†µ
â†µ

â†µ
â†µTake it from longtime central Pennsylvania crank Davidâ†µJones:â†µâ†µâ‡¥I think he’s [Tressel] an android. One of these days, someone isâ†µâ‡¥going to finally push him over the edge and he’s going to snap andâ†µâ‡¥try to stuff a rolled-up magazine down the guy’s throat and thenâ†µâ‡¥milky conductor fluid is going to start spurting out his mouth andâ†µâ‡¥his head’ll pop off exposing all the wiring and then millions ofâ†µâ‡¥fans will be stunned. I will not.â†µâ†µâ†µYeah: not an event. They’re even worse than SEC media days, during whichâ†µcoaches sit for extended periods; here, it’s 15 minutes and out, with anâ†µopening statement eating up a goodly chunk of that -- if you’re Timâ†µBrewster last year, 60 percent of it.â†µ

â†µâ†µBut the media days do happen. They are, in fact, happening today. Thusâ†µfar I’ve been treated to an unknown Big Ten Network analyst callingâ†µTate Forcier “an unguided missile,” and Greg Robinson “a beautifulâ†µmind.” I think he has motivational Tourette’s.â†µ

â†µâ†µThere is nothing of import here except the occasional inanity, zinger,â†µor stretch so boring that people start jabbing pens into their eyes just toâ†µremember what it felt like to feel something. So let’s play COACH MATCH.â†µ

â†µâ†µHere’s one quote from each Big Ten head coach. Gotta match ‘em all!â†µ

â†µ

â†µ1. "Get your dad-gum chili hot! Get your dad-gum chili hot."
â†µ2. "A winning season in 2009 would be a way to have a specialâ†µseason."
â†µ3. "We're very happy with the guys who are still here."
â†µ4. "I want to make it crystal clear that I voted for Tim Tebow."
â†µ5. "I have a tattoo of a Hawkeye on my left calf; it seemed like aâ†µgood idea when I was 19."
â†µ6. "Any time you challenge yourself, it's a positive thing."
â†µ7. "As a football coach, you love coaching football."
â†µ8. "One of the reasons we've been able to have success is ourâ†µtradition."
â†µ9. "I'm not quite sure where we are."
â†µ10. "Maybe I should have just said yes."
â†µ11. "This is the first time we've had enough good players that we'veâ†µhad to decide which three to bring here."â†µ

â†µâ†µAnd now for the answers...â†µ

â†µâ†µ1. Tim Brewster; this was actually a BTN interstitial.
â†µ2. Danny Hope defying his last name
â†µlike whoa.
â†µ3. Rich Rodriguez, obviously.
â†µ4. Pat Fitzgerald with the zinger!
â†µ5. Bret Bielema, who has not made a bold decision (hello, Cal-Poly)â†µsince.
â†µ6. Jim Tressel living up to Jones’ assessment above.
â†µ7. Indiana’s Bill Lynch, who believes the reason Tressel’s won theâ†µconference four straight years is his press conference demeanor.
â†µ8. Mark Dantonio. No, seriously, Michigan State’s head coach claimedâ†µ“tradition” as a reason for success instead of a reason for inexplicablyâ†µgoing 6-6.
â†µ9. Joe Paterno, obviously.
â†µ10. Kirk Ferentz, responding to the 11th question from the same dipâ†µabout whether the SEC is ever going to lose a game again.
â†µ11. Ron Zook, apparently unaware Illinois went to the Rose Bowl twoâ†µyears ago.â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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