General

Secondary Violations Span the Nation

Jul 8, 2009, 9:30 PM UTC

The most popular topic this college football offseason -- outside ofâ†µCongress’s attempts to reclaim its crown as America’s most ridiculousâ†µinstitution by badgering the BCS and the reigning champion every 20â†µminutes -- has been the secondary violation. It’s the preferred publicityâ†µtool of Lane Kiffin,â†µa completely useless sham, and great for locking down Saban-trashing recruits.â†µâ†µThe latest school to show its mildly objectionable underbelly is Southâ†µCarolina, which was FOIA’d into revealing a variety of secondaryâ†µviolations, amongst them the improbably petty “impermissible snacks.” The NCAA willâ†µhave none of your Fruit By The Foot, Gamecocks.â†µ

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â†µâ†µWell, we at The Sporting Blog have armies of lawyers*, patience for theâ†µprocess**, and complete and total inability to tell a lie***, so weâ†µFOIA’d the entire country in search of dastardly acts. A dossier ofâ†µmalfeasance revealed:â†µ

â†µâ†µLSU: charged with “general enormity” for employing the services of 6’7”, 370 pounds-on-a-diet-and-the-moon Herman Johnson.â†µ

â†µâ†µHawaii: guilty of “preposterous apostrophization”â†µ

â†µâ†µNorthwestern Louisiana State: assessed five-year bowl ban andâ†µreduced scholarships for the Reggie Bush case due to “peripheralâ†µunimportance”â†µ

â†µâ†µOhio State: socked with a “failure to execute” several hockeyâ†µplayers who sneaked into a Nickelback concert, thus forfeiting theirâ†µlives, fortune, and sacred honor in one fell swoop (seriously, this actually happened and was reported by OSU.)â†µ

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â†µUSC: penalized for "illegal secretions" when it was discoveredâ†µplayers were drinking Taylor Mays's sweat to enhance strength andâ†µspeed.â†µ

â†µâ†µTexas Tech: lost its boat license for “pillaging and looting” offâ†µthe coast of Somalia and Corpus Christiâ†µ

â†µâ†µWashington: lost entire 2009 recruiting class for “hiring a golfâ†µpro” instead of a football coachâ†µ

â†µâ†µOregon: censured for “illegal distribution” of hallucinogens toâ†µplayers and students in the form of mindbending uniforms. â†µ

â†µâ†µUtah: fined by INS for “Samoan cramming”â†µ

â†µâ†µAll of this is obviously true, except for the USC stuff. The NCAAâ†µactually gave them a bubble bath after finding them guilty of beingâ†µ“incredibly, wonderfully pristine.”â†µ

â†µâ†µ*(no lawyers)
â†µ**(no patience)
â†µ***(this is as much of a lie as Joan Rivers’ face OH SNAP.)â†µ

â†µâ†µ(Impermissible snacks HT: The Joe Cribbs Car Wash)â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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