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No, ESPN, We Are Not Ready For Some College Football

Aug 27, 2009, 8:03 PM UTC

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If ESPN was a person with a strange fetish it would be exhuming things â†µand making detailed copies of the rotted corpse of something people used â†µto like. And then it would probably be in a Dane Cook/Kevin Costner â†µvehicle that my mother would show at Thanksgiving once, to the awkward â†µstupefaction of all.â†µâ†µRight. Anyway, this is why I anthropomorphize the leader so: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥... Kenny Chesney ... has written a song exclusively for ESPN’s collegeâ†µâ‡¥football game and studio telecasts during Dick’s Sporting Goodsâ†µâ‡¥Kickoff Week (Sept. 3-7) and Championship Saturday (Dec. 5) as wellâ†µâ‡¥as select contests throughout the season and bowl games. ESPN willâ†µâ‡¥have the exclusive premiere of the song during its pregame showâ†µâ‡¥Thursday, Sept. 3, at 7 p.m.â†µâ†µâ†µAwful Announcing, via which this news comes, thinks this is a good idea â†µdespite its name, because college football fans are hicks:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥If you ask me, this move is genius. Especially when you consider theâ†µâ‡¥amount of games ESPN broadcasts in the South. You may not enjoyâ†µâ‡¥Country music yourself, but there are almost three times as manyâ†µâ‡¥Country stations in America, compared to any other genre.â†µâ†µâ†µTo which I say these things: that’s only because country* fans can’t â†µfigure out iPods, and is it my imagination or did everyone loathe that â†µBig & Rich song? Also, this is a genius move for ESPN if â†µonly because of the accounting; dollars to donuts this Chesney fellow’s â†µlabel is paying for the privilege of driving us all crazy for the next â†µfour months. Another reason to wish for the swift implosion of the RIAA and â†µall that support it.â†µ

â†µ

â†µThis thing is called "This Is Our Moment." You know it will be terrible. â†µYou know it in your bones. Hank Williams Jr. has purchased a grave so he â†µcan get in it and spin around on September 3rd at seven in the evening, â†µafter which he will enjoy some tea. I am anticipating this with dread. I â†µwatch inhuman amounts of college football and now Kenny Chesney is going â†µto be following me around telling me this is my moment. I will catch â†µmyself at the supermarket humming it once and attempt to slit my throat â†µwith smoked salmon. (If you've got to go, go high class.) Then I'll sit â†µin a bathtub sobbing to myself on Thursday night because I want to watch â†µthe Virginia Tech game but can't.â†µ

â†µâ†µAt least it will be better than last year, I guess.â†µ

â†µâ†µ*(Read: pre-fab major label “country” fans, please. I have no beef with â†µcountry produced by ugly people or Neko Case. Ugly people country is great.)â†µ

â†µ

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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