General

This Week In Schadenfreude: Sept. 14

Sep 14, 2009, 5:40 PM UTC

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â†µRight, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm insufferable in this one.â†µOn Saturday, Michigan hit the quad, winning in dramatic fashion as allâ†µthree of their primary rivals went down in flames, the first time that'sâ†µhappened since October 2004. The nature of Michigan's victory hasâ†µNotre Dame fans, well ... consideringâ†µsome life changes: â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥
There is no God. *
â†µâ‡¥by theâ†µâ‡¥Twerpâ†µâ‡¥(2009-09-12 19:48:59)â†µ

â†µâ†µTo paraphrase Tyler Durden, have you considered the possibility thatâ†µthere is but he just doesn’t like you very much?â†µ

â†µâ†µI could spend the entire 2,000-word span of this column on nothingâ†µbut the wailing on the nuttiest of the Notre Dame message boards, and amâ†µsorely tempted to, but there’s so much else to get to. Just a few ofâ†µthe most insane things, then? â†µ

â†µâ†µLet’sâ†µhire ...â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥Throw the bank at Saban, Swarbrick.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥by akaRonMexicoâ†µâ‡¥(2009-09-12 19:26:53)â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥I don't care about the cost. I don't care about the supposedâ†µâ‡¥"ethical" issues.â†µ

â†µâ†µ... Nick Saban! Let’s post nonâ†µsequiturs about Charlie Weis’s ...â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥8 Bad Coaching Errorsâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥by soâ†µâ‡¥loirishâ†µâ‡¥(2009-09-12 19:37:16)â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥ â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥1 - cute, bullsh*t long passes when needing to run the clock.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥...â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥7 - being a ridiculously, not just a little overweight,â†µâ‡¥fat f---...your lack of personal discipline with your weight makes theâ†µâ‡¥players laugh behind your back.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥8 - Arrogance.â†µâ‡¥
â†µ

â†µâ†µ... slovenly appearance! And then there’s this one-twoâ†µpunch:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥This is the 1st time I've felt physically ill after a gameâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥by CentralValleyIrishâ†µâ‡¥(2009-09-12 22:10:02)â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥I've been angry, I've been violent, I've beenâ†µâ‡¥irrational, I've cried (in my younger years), but I have never felt sickâ†µâ‡¥after a loss until today.â†µ

â†µâ†µThe spectacular reply:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥I feel ill after every game except for blowout wins *â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥by ceâ†µâ‡¥njdomerâ†µâ‡¥(2009-09-12 22:22:33)â†µâ†µâ†µThat guy has spent 15 years in agony. Notre Dame, obviously, isâ†µyour Tears of Unfathomable Sadness winner. The rest ofâ†µthe week in spleen after the jump.â†µ

â†µ

â†µBIG TEN

â†µâ†µMichigan State thought it turned a corner last yearâ†µwhen Mark Dantonio’s team, despite getting outgained in conference play,â†µwon a vast smorgasbord of close games. State’s traditional “this isâ†µwhy you’re Michigan State” antics disappeared. More than that,â†µDantonio seemed to have some weird juju where he would cause opponentsâ†µto Sparty games away, most prominently when Bret Bielema generouslyâ†µcalled timeout to set up a game-winning MSU field goal. â†µ

â†µâ†µYeah ... about that:â†µ

â†µ
â†µ

â†µ

â†µ â†µ

â†µ

â†µ
â†µI don’t think that tops the epic “MAKE PLAYS” game, but it’sâ†µa close second. That brings the all-time Central Michigan-Michigan Stateâ†µseries to 4-3 in favor of the Spartans and sets off a round of “ohâ†µGod, we’re Michigan State” moaning from the Red Cedar Messageâ†µBoard, the Death Star of Michigan State message boards. As of thisâ†µwriting there’s an 837-comment “tOfficialâ†µMeltdown Thread” that collects your freude in oneâ†µconvenient place. Before we start, note that Michigan State just agreedâ†µto play the three directional Michigan schools on the road (they’re allâ†µ3-for-1 deals). And ... start:â†µ

â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥I SOOOO happy we agreed to play these guys at theirâ†µâ‡¥place!!â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥such a great idea!!! I can't wait for that game. It's win, win!!â†µâ‡¥Showing the state the we care about football!!â†µâ‡¥
â†µ

â†µâ†µIf you hit the link, note the time, and the next post that statesâ†µ“this team has issues... a one point win over CMU.”â†µItâ†µhas not yet occurred. Onsideâ†µkick: â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME!!!â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥ â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥â†µ

â†µâ†µ(That post was followed by a half-dozen others using multiples ofâ†µthat fantastic emoticon, oh what the hell, oneâ†µmore:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥Meltdown alert.. the board is officially on Melt Downâ†µâ‡¥Alertâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥â†µ

â†µâ†µ... and MSU still leads here. (Run around, little blob! Run around!)â†µAaaand then:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥My most embarrassing moment as a Spartan.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥This is absolutely pathetic. Completely inexcusible. I will notâ†µâ‡¥support this crap.â†µ

â†µâ†µAaand then:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥11-1 at bestâ†µâ†µâ†µYes, I LOLed. Dirty confession coming up: the RCMB is kind of great.â†µThere’s like 20â†µmore pages of it. â†µ

â†µâ†µElsewhere in Events That Made Ann Arbor Happy, Ohioâ†µState lost to USC, continuing their fall from national grace.â†µOnce big-game money -- people forget that before Florida pantsed them inâ†µthat national championship game Ohio State had won three consecutive BCSâ†µbowls and like a zillion games against Michigan -- Ohio State has now lostâ†µsix straight against Top 5 opponents, and it basically looks like their remainingâ†µschedule is a bunch of losers who are just setting them up to extendâ†µthat streak. It’s bad enough that you don’t have to get past the blogsâ†µto get material. Eleven Warriorsâ†µfantastically titles a post “Moral Victories are for those thatâ†µDelight In Fear” and leadsâ†µoff like so:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥I’d like to apologize in advance for any abrasiveness you mightâ†µâ‡¥encounter below. I like to pride myself as a glass is half full type ofâ†µâ‡¥guy, but right about now, the glass is precariously low and smells likeâ†µâ‡¥piss.â†µâ†µâ†µDude, no worries, that’s just a Natty Lite. Shotgun that and openâ†µanother. 11W, perhaps prompted by a certain other quarterback I’m goingâ†µto be insufferable about all week, sees a “once in a decadeâ†µtalent” proving himself something less, at least for now: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥Pryor was given every opportunity to get his first signature win, butâ†µâ‡¥did not deliver. He will probably get it sooner than later, but rightâ†µâ‡¥now he’s the pet project of a coach that has a nice little string of bigâ†µâ‡¥game flops going for him (six straight to top five opponents). And theâ†µâ‡¥pet project isn’t coming along as quickly as it should be.â†µâ†µâ†µThis is where I’m contractually obligated to point out that at thisâ†µpoint in his sophomore year Troy Smith was terrible beyond belief and itâ†µwasn’t until the Michigan game that he exploded into a violent deathâ†µphoenix and future Heisman winner. So ... maybe premature. â†µ

â†µBIG 12

â†µâ†µDan Hawkins may be the only coach in the country more fired than Alâ†µGroh, about whom more later, after Colorado opened theâ†µseason 0-2 against teams from the Mountain West and MAC, with the MACâ†µloss a largely uncompetitive contest with a final margin of 16 points.â†µUnfortunately for you, reader, Colorado’s moved past anger into resignationâ†µand coaching search discussions: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥Yes, it’s no longer an angry feeling. It’s sadness, embarrassment andâ†µâ‡¥disbelief. The light at the end of the tunnel looks to be yearsâ†µâ‡¥away...again.â†µâ†µâ†µHah no justâ†µkidding:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥I can’t even believe I am a Buff fan at this point. Never been moreâ†µâ‡¥embarrassed to represent any of my NFL, NBA, MLB or NCAA teams. I hopeâ†µâ‡¥Dan Hawkins gets his s--- canned asap. This is unreal. CU football hasâ†µâ‡¥it rock bottom and I do mean rock bottom. I have been drinking heavilyâ†µâ‡¥since the end of the game and I don’t blame myself at all. This is asâ†µâ‡¥low as it gets. Go straight to hell Hawkins, go straight to hell.â†µâ†µâ†µ“I have been drinking heavily and don’t blame myself atâ†µall.” College football, ladies and gentlemen!â†µ

â†µâ†µBill Snyder’s return to Kansas State is off to aâ†µrocky start after the Wildcats dropped a game to Louisiana-Lafayette.â†µHere’s “Blue Blaster” before theâ†µgame:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Internet Pukes= fair wx fans â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Ive read the fair weather fans revised predictions on this board andâ†µâ‡¥it makes me sick.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥CATS WIN BIG TOMORROW,
â†µâ‡¥O willâ†µâ‡¥surpriseâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥andâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥D finds its identityâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥freakin Intern Pukes make me sickâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Go roll a spliff in the parkin lot with Cajun pot head friendsâ†µâ‡¥
â†µ

â†µâ†µHe has not returned since.â†µ

â†µâ†µAnd T. Boone Pickens learned that money can’t buy happiness overâ†µthe weekend when suddenly Top-5 (wha?) Oklahomaâ†µState blew up and lost to a CUSA team by 10.â†µ

â†µBIG EAST

â†µâ†µNot much to be had here, what with the only losses by teams whoâ†µexpected to lose to Top-25 competition. However, the nature ofâ†µUConn’s loss -- a blown 10-point lead and late go-aheadâ†µsafety for North Carolina -- is a stomach punch. Take itâ†µaway, UConn Blog:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥G-d damned epic. May I count the ways?â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥1) A safety on a holding penalty in the end zone on a 3rd-and-longâ†µâ‡¥play that had no hope of being successful anyway. ...â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥5) NO DID I MENTION A SAFETY IN THE END ZONE ON 3RD AND A MILLION GODâ†µâ‡¥I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW AWFUL A PLAY THAT IS ...â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥7) A defensive line that tired because of injury and the fact thatâ†µâ‡¥the offense scored 10 POINTS AND REALLY 8 POINTS WHEN YOU COUNT THEâ†µâ‡¥SAFETY ON 3RD AND A MILLION.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Frustrating. Frustrating. Frustrating. God damn it, that’sâ†µâ‡¥frustrating.â†µâ‡¥

â†µâ†µâ†µI believe the word of the day is “frustrating.” Also maybeâ†µ“million.”â†µ

â†µACC

â†µâ†µVirginia featured in this space last week, but theyâ†µjust got hammered by TCU, opening the season 0-2 against non-BCSâ†µopponents. The message boards are no doubt summing up the last weeks ofâ†µthe Al Groh era by meticulously parodying Thomas Jefferson’s letters toâ†µBen Franklin, so we’ll just skip to the direct metaphor: â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ†µA horse is worth ten thousand words. â†µ

â†µâ†µElsewhere, Clemson staged a thrilling comebackâ†µagainst Georgia Tech, and then blew it, causing Block C to remember the bad old dayâ†µlast year in the same place and ask a questionâ†µmany Tiger fans are probably wondering about:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥What the f--- is it about us getting d---ed in Atlanta for the worldâ†µâ‡¥to see on ESPNâ†µâ†µâ†µNo question mark. He’s done with this sentiment. â†µ

â†µâ†µThis is a week-old game, but Florida State haters will enjoy thisâ†µanimated gif of Christianâ†µPonder’s heart ripping in half.â†µ

â†µâ†µPAC-10â†µ

â†µâ†µSlim pickings after the state of Oregon’s escapes against UNLV andâ†µPurdue. Stanford did take one on the chin fromâ†µWake Forest in the third year of Jim Harbaugh’s tenure, but theâ†µsparsely-populated Cardinal message boards are weirdly full of all-capsâ†µposts like “CONGRAâ†µTSâ†µTO WAKE FOREST, THEY CLAWED SCRATCHED AND GOUGED.” There isâ†µthis:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
â†µâ‡¥RRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!â†µâ‡¥!! â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥I'm so sick of our spineless defense that can never come through whenâ†µâ‡¥the game is on the line.â†µ

â†µâ†µThis gets a decidedly Stanford response, bold mine:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥They looked like eunuchs in the second half. Anytime a play needed toâ†µâ‡¥be made, Wake Forest made it, and Stanford didn’t.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥And that sdjflasfjslfj god damned BS clipping penalty.â†µâ‡¥Remind me again why we even go to these sticky redneck townsâ†µâ‡¥that make us wake up at sunrise on a Saturday to watch inbred officialsâ†µâ‡¥butcher the most key plays of the game?â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥All that’s left is to give them payback when they come here nextâ†µâ‡¥season.â†µâ†µâ†µBONUS: Dude used “eunuchs” and spelled it right. Ifâ†µVirginia and Stanford are going to feature all year due to suck, this isâ†µgoing to be the best-spelled season of TWIS ever. â†µ

â†µSEC

â†µâ†µAt this point in his career, South Carolina coachâ†µSteve Spurrier seems like a sympathetic figure... unless you happen toâ†µbe a fan of any of the SEC teams he regularly hammered, which was all ofâ†µthem, or Miami or Florida State. Or the Redskins. Revision: across largeâ†µswaths of the Midwest that never felt his sting directly and got a lotâ†µof exposure to the OBC’s awesome “click clack” Under Armourâ†µcommercial, Steve Spurrier is now a sympathetic figure. Everyone elseâ†µwill get a thrill out of these Georgia state troopers partyingâ†µdown and giving each other fist bumps when South Carolina finallyâ†µgoes down to defeat in Athens:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ†µI’m pretty sure Spurrier saw that, too, but couldn’t attack themâ†µbecause they’re the ones with the guns. Lo siento, OBC.â†µ

â†µâ†µAnd, finally, Alabama actually won this game and itâ†µdidn’t even happen this week and it’s already been allâ†µover the internet but on the off chance there’s anyone out there whoâ†µhasn’t seen “Ricky’s Rant,” this column is duty-bound to bringâ†µit to you (language is extremely NSFW):â†µ

â†µ

â†µ â†µ

â†µ