General

This Week In Schadenfreude: Sept. 8

Sep 8, 2009, 5:25 PM UTC

â†µThis Week In Schadenfreude chronicles the rended garments,â†µdestroyed lives, and all-caps, more-misspelled-than-not internet bileâ†µgenerated by college football every weekend. It endeavors to pull theâ†µmost preposterous items from the great unvarnished yonder; no fan baseâ†µshould feel judged. Except LSU’s.
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â†µâ†µOklahoma’s opening pratfall falls well short of one particularâ†µseason-opener I can remember, but only under hypnosis (it rhymes withâ†µ“Mappalacian Mate”), but that doesn’t mean losing your Heisman-winning quarterback and your season opener doesn’t suck inâ†µmind-exploding ways. Exhibitâ†µA: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥Bob Stoops is no Barry Switzerâ†µâ†µâ†µThis, you might be surprised to find out, is a criticism. And it’sâ†µechoed by like the next three guys (“You are absolutelyâ†µright,” “Bob brings in great talent but I am really beginningâ†µto wonder if he knows how to use it” “methinks we need theâ†µlikes of leach and mangino prowling the sidelines asâ†µassistants...”) before someone mentions, oh, I don’t know, Switzerâ†µgetting run out of town by the NCAA and inaugurating Oklahoma’s longâ†µperiod outside the national picture. (Switzer’s successorâ†µwent 2-15-1 against Texas, Nebraska, and Colorado as Oklahoma struggledâ†µthrough massive NCAA sanctions.)â†µ

â†µâ†µEh... well, sort of: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥No one is the king. Jesus could be OUr coach and we’d complain!â†µâ†µâ†µI was going to correct that typo until it dawned on me that this guyâ†µprobably capitalizes every OU he ever runs across: OUr, yOUr, sinuOUs...â†µokay, probably not that last one. â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ†µ

â†µâ†µBereft of national title hopes, adrift without Sam Bradford andâ†µprobably startingâ†µKip Dynamite at quarterback for the foreseeable future, Oklahoma isâ†µan easy debut Tears ofâ†µUnfathomable Sadness victor.â†µ

â†µ

â†µBIG TEN

â†µâ†µIllinois fans ... you are coached by Ron Zook. Thereâ†µisâ†µoneâ†µreasonable response to this:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥Q: Horrible. Is Benn (and everyone else who was injured) going to beâ†µâ‡¥okay? Is there any hope for the season?â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥A: No and no. Get out the razor blades and roll up the sleeves.â†µâ†µâ†µAnd it wouldn’t be TWIS without some guy with an extremelyâ†µtenuous grasp of and great enthusiasm for punctuation:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥The whole team looked unprepared and sluggish !! Our offense wasâ†µâ‡¥supposed to carry us until the defense could gel !! 9â†µâ‡¥points...........thats it....9 F’n points !! 0-4 start...you betcha !!â†µâ‡¥Starting to wonder if we got ZOOKED !!â†µâ†µâ†µATTN: Tenuous Enthusiastic punctuation guy. According to the Urbanâ†µDictionary, “zooked”â†µmeans “hyper, high strung, full of energy,” “stoned toâ†µthe point of feeling paralyzed,” or “fresh, super swagg.”â†µSo, yes, you guys are totally zooked if we’re going with definitionâ†µ#2.â†µ

â†µâ†µOhio State didn’t meet humiliating defeat, but theyâ†µweren’t far off before intercepting a two-point conversion attempt thatâ†µwould have tied the game with two minutes left. I in no way endorseâ†µthis point of view and think it’s crazy to even contemplate, but it’sâ†µout there and must be brought to the world at large:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥USC is going to beat us 45-0.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥But goddamn, I’ve never, ever felt so relieved.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥That wasn’t pretty. In fact, it was frequently ugly after the thirdâ†µâ‡¥quarter. My balls shriveled. My eyes watered. That Pryor pick? Instantâ†µâ‡¥swampa##. I don’t know what to think. In fact, I’d rather not think atâ†µâ‡¥all. I’d like to be a mindless, heartless drone right now.â†µâ†µâ†µThat’s We Will Always Haveâ†µTempe fretting about Jim Tressel’s slight decline over the last fiveâ†µyears. But that’s not the crazy part. This, which follows a bunch ofâ†µuncomfortably close scores in recent years from Michigan and Ohio State,â†µis the crazy part: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥I’m not saying Jim Tressel is Lloyd Carr, but ... whatâ†µâ‡¥separates Lloyd Carr in say, 2002 or 2003, from Jim Tressel right now?â†µâ‡¥This is a line of thought I’ve been seriously following for the betterâ†µâ‡¥part of a year now. I’d like some input from Michigan fans on this. Veryâ†µâ‡¥soon - September 19th? - this could come back to bite Tressel inâ†µâ‡¥the rear.â†µâ†µâ†µIt is a little creepy: Michigan won a national title in ‘97 and was aâ†µpretty regular BCS participant or threat for the next five years untilâ†µTressel came to town. Ohio State won a national title in ‘02 and was aâ†µmore consistent BCS participant/threat for the next five years. But,â†µdude: Toledo just lost to Purdue by 21. I’m a Michigan fan, and I dearlyâ†µhope to write about this in a future edition of This Week Inâ†µSchadenfreude, but ... no. Not happening. â†µ

â†µBIG EAST

â†µâ†µSo, Rutgers, how’sâ†µthat renaissance going?â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥I swear, that’s as close as I’ve ever seen to a real live gameâ†µâ‡¥resembling an online XBOX360 NCAA 09 match featuring a cheeser vs. aâ†µâ‡¥n00b.â†µâ†µâ†µAh, not so well. Do youâ†µguys remember that before Schiano arrived and pounded out fourâ†µconsecutive winning seasons, the last time Rutgers had finished aboveâ†µ.500 was 1992?â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥
Shiano should haveâ†µâ‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â‡¥taken the Michigan Job while he had the chance. Reply
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥I think if weâ†µâ‡¥ever win the big east(and i'm only setting my bar that high) it will beâ†µâ‡¥in spite of him. â†µ

â†µâ†µAh, not so much. (Well, not this guy. He does get taken apart byâ†µresponders.)â†µ

â†µâ†µAaand it’s not TWIS without someâ†µguy writing in all caps:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥â‡¥â†µâ‡¥
FRUSTRATED EMBARASSEDâ†µâ‡¥â‡¥â‡¥â‡¥DEPRESSED :( - I WAITED 9 MONTHS FOR THIS! Reply
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥WHY GS ...WHY???â†µâ‡¥- HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO US???? GET SOME REAL COACHES WHO CAN ACTUALLYâ†µâ‡¥PUT TOGETHER A GAME PLAN AND UTILIZE THE TALENT THAT YOU HAVE!! ---ANDâ†µâ‡¥CAN MAKE GAME TIME ADJUSTMENTS...BECAUSE YOU NEED ALL THE HELP YOU CANâ†µâ‡¥GET..AND YOUR STAFF IS DIV III COACHES!!!! WHY O WHY GS HAVE YOU CAUSEDâ†µâ‡¥US SO MUCH PAIN WITH THIS DEBACLE. â†µ

â†µâ†µTHE WISE AND POWERFUL SCHIANO REJECTS YOUR ENTREATY.â†µ

â†µBIG 12

â†µâ†µThere’s a strict hierarchy of crazy anger on the internet that startsâ†µwith message board folk like our all-caps friend above, moves up throughâ†µa panoply of blogs from blogger templates to quasi-actual media outlets,â†µand then finally settles in with the Actual Media. When the Actual Mediaâ†µhas turned on you with nasty big pointy sharp teeth (and the fans areâ†µalready howling for blood), your time in DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL is short,â†µbrother. Colorado and Dan Hawkins, your timeâ†µis short: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥You mean to tell me Dan Hawkins is going to risk his job as CUâ†µâ‡¥football coach with his son playing quarterback and ballyhooed recruitâ†µâ‡¥Darrell Scott sitting on the bench?â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥That’s madness.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥When time expired on Colorado State’s 23-17 victory against theâ†µâ‡¥Buffaloes, Hawkins officially went on the clock.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Tick, tick, tick.â†µâ†µâ†µHey, wow, that’s a Denver Post columnist sounding likeâ†µFRUSTRATED EMBARRASSED DEPRESSED above with an editor. Can blogs top this?â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥I never thought I would feel this stupid after a football game. ...â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥But who am I to question anything to do with the high and mightyâ†µâ‡¥Colorado football program who have been so successful the past fourâ†µâ‡¥years that they can overlook the Colorado State Rams at home in Boulder.â†µâ‡¥I am just internet scum who doesn’t know anything about anything.â†µâ†µâ†µOkay, yes, the internet can always top anything.â†µ

â†µâ†µ(HT: Doctorâ†µSaturday.)â†µ

â†µACC

â†µâ†µAs usual, there’s a rich vein of sorrow to mine in the mostâ†µperpetually chaotic conference of them all, butâ†µVirginia’s humiliating loss to William & Mary wouldâ†µhave been good enough for the Tears of Infinite Sadness if not forâ†µOklahoma losing its quarterback and its season 30 minutes into the BYUâ†µgame. It is never, never, never good when the first thing you run acrossâ†µon a message board for the team is titled “Okay,â†µso now do you believe Colin Cowherd?” Anonymous internet guy,â†µno, I don’t believe Colin Cowherd, nor do I believe that Cowherd hasâ†µever once talked about Virginia football. But mmm this is good rant:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥William & Mary’s D line ate our O line up and spat them out,â†µâ‡¥while we put relatively little pressure on RJ Archer - that local kidâ†µâ‡¥who wasn’t good enough for Al “three mediocre quarterbacks areâ†µâ‡¥better than none” Groh.â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Our AD and administration overrewarded the coach for consecutiveâ†µâ‡¥victories in a low-mid level bowl and then made a short-range financialâ†µâ‡¥decision to retain his services in the wake of a very poor 2006 season.â†µâ‡¥The flat performance in the Gator Bowl only served to illustrate what aâ†µâ‡¥fluke (and tribute to Chris Long) the 2007 season was. What does it sayâ†µâ‡¥that the powers that be have settled for the worst off-seasonâ†µâ‡¥preparation in FBS? What does it say that they’ve settled for a coachâ†µâ‡¥who clearly cannot assemble a complete staff?â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥Most importantly, what good can possibly come from retaining a coachâ†µâ‡¥who clearly cannot recruit and develop a premiere quarterback?â†µâ†µâ†µYou can tell these are Virginia fans. No typos, well reasoned,â†µprobably could be included as a cover letter in your UVA law school app.â†µAnd yes, like Colorado, Virginia boards have alreadyâ†µcanceled the season and started salivating about Brian Kelly andâ†µothers:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥Tuberville â†µâ‡¥-- Roanoke90 Tue Sep 8 2009 10:06:51 AMâ†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥ â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥Brianâ†µâ‡¥Kelly would be a dream hire at this point. ** -- â†µâ‡¥WahooDB Tue Sep 8 2009 10:11:46 AMâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥Thoughâ†µâ‡¥I can’t imagine why he’d want to leave UC... He can own thatâ†µâ‡¥conference -- CharlestonSC Tue Sep 8 2009â†µâ‡¥10:15:47 AMâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥Kellyâ†µâ‡¥big fat new contract. not coming here. could have got him 2 yrs agoâ†µâ‡¥** -- belocki Tue Sep 8 2009 10:17:47â†µâ‡¥AMâ†µâ‡¥

â†µâ†µâ†µMan, it’s rough when you’re uncertain if you can poach Cincinnati’sâ†µcoach. â†µ

â†µâ†µElsewhere in the ACC, Maryland blog Hell In A Redâ†µShell has a briefâ†µlist of things that didn’t go very well for the Terps againstâ†µCal:â†µ

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â†µâ‡¥Things Maryland did poorly last night:â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥â‡¥
Tackling
â†µâ‡¥â‡¥
Pressuring the quarterback
â†µâ‡¥â‡¥
Blocking on the offensive line
â†µâ‡¥â‡¥
Covering receivers
â†µâ‡¥â‡¥
Not having stupid, drive killing penalties
â†µâ‡¥â‡¥
Converting in the red zone
â†µâ‡¥â‡¥
Preventing big plays from Cal's playmakers
â†µâ‡¥â‡¥
Holding rushers to under 10ypc averages (Best averaged over 13 ypc)â†µâ‡¥â‡¥
â†µâ‡¥â‡¥
Playing the game of football in a non-embarrassing manner onâ†µâ‡¥â‡¥national TV.
â†µâ‡¥
â†µ

â†µâ†µShell Games has a brief explanation for whyâ†µthis might be: â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥When the broadcasters were introducing the starters, they didn’t evenâ†µâ‡¥have a name to announce for the right guard. It just said “three-manâ†µâ‡¥rotation.” The old saying goes that “when you’ve got two quarterbacks,â†µâ‡¥you’ve got no quarterbacks.” And I guess the same thing goes for whenâ†µâ‡¥you have three right guards; that whole side of the line was like wetâ†µâ‡¥cardboard all night, as evidenced by the six sacks and the constant QBâ†µâ‡¥pressure they allowed, combined with the running game’s inability toâ†µâ‡¥really get going.â†µâ†µâ†µThough Shell Games advocates against all-caps PANIC, I’m bettingâ†µMaryland will be a frequent visitor to this space throughout theâ†µupcoming year. â†µ

â†µâ†µFinally, Virginia Tech blog College Game Balls tried to avoidâ†µplacement in the column but failed:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥99% of Alabama fans are class acts. One old timer asked me as we wereâ†µâ‡¥walking out, “What’s a Hokie?” As I began to answer he quicklyâ†µâ‡¥interjected and said “a damn loser!” Enjoy death old man.â†µâ†µâ†µA noble effort, though.â†µ

â†µSEC

â†µâ†µThe biggest loss of the weekend in the Greatest Conference Evah wasâ†µGeorgia going down to Oklahoma State. Unfortunately,â†µGeorgia bloggers are vast in number and also almost entirely reasonable.â†µThis is aboutâ†µit as far as bile goes on the Dawg blogs:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥So yeah, it was a bad afternoon, made that much more worse by theâ†µâ‡¥fact that we still don’t know how much trouble we’re in just yet.â†µâ‡¥We could be the kind of 2006-mediocre where we lose a couple games toâ†µâ‡¥teams we have no business losing to but are still solid enough toâ†µâ‡¥regroup to an inspiring finish and nine wins, or we could be badâ†µâ‡¥bad enough to be entering the stretch run in November still wonderingâ†µâ‡¥how we’re gonna put together six wins and back our way into theâ†µâ‡¥Papajohns.com Bowl.â†µâ†µâ†µWhich isn’t really bile at all, it’s just fact. Fortunately, Georgiaâ†µalso has a vast array of completely crazy message boards titledâ†µ“Dawg Vent/Rant/Yell Loud/Incoherent Noises/It’s Like Nascar.”â†µThis guy wants to “FIREâ†µRICHT” as per usual on the internet but is largely agreed withâ†µinstead of laughed at. Usually a non-dead-meat coach will see a threadâ†µlike this met with hostility. This just just gets the headbangingâ†µsmiley. Anotherâ†µthread from the same guy:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥Now that we know this season is over, â†µâ‡¥(Posted on 9/7 at 1:29 p.m.)â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥(except for the disneydawgs who clingâ†µâ‡¥to CMR & company), what the hell do we do for the next three months?â†µ

â†µâ†µDoes this get shot down? Eh, not so much:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥I was wondering the same thing. I am not sure what there is to do.â†µâ‡¥I’ll still watch the games, but this time without any hope for a decentâ†µâ‡¥season. Before Saturday I felt sure we would still be a 9 win team, butâ†µâ‡¥now I am not sure we are a 3 win team. Hell me may take TT [Tennesseeâ†µâ‡¥Tech] to the wire.â†µâ†µâ†µThis, however, is nowhere near the worst of it. Here’s yourâ†µScott Tenorman of the Week:â†µ

â†µ

â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥JOE COX IS AN EMBARASSMENT (Posted on 9/5 at 5:26 p.m.)â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥GIVE ME A G*******D BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!! â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥THIS GUY COULDN'T START FOR ALABAMA A&T..HE'S A P***Y..ANYBODYâ†µâ‡¥ON THIS BOARD THAT DEFENDS HIM IS A dumba*** AND I'LL BE HAPPY TOâ†µâ‡¥INTRODUCE YOUR NOSE TO YOUR PROSTATEâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥THIS IS THE MOST PATHETIC DEFENSE THAT WE WILL FACE THIS YEARâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥OSU WILL WIN 31-7..JOE COX WILL STILL BE A SUCK THE *** OUT OF Aâ†µâ‡¥GOAT QB AND WILL STILL BE CMR'S BUTT BOY ..â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥wtf HE'S STILL IN THE G*******D GAME FIRE RICHT IMMEDIATELYâ†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥
â†µâ‡¥UGA GOES 6-6 THIS YEARâ†µâ‡¥
â†µ

â†µâ†µAaaaahhhh my parents are dead my parents are dead I ate them and thenâ†µposted in all caps on the internet noooo.â†µ

â†µPAC-10

â†µâ†µOregon blog Addicted to Quack would like toâ†µknow who youâ†µare and what you’ve done with Jeremiah Masoli, but he knows theâ†µanswer: you’ve made him suck, you naughty boy you. Everyone else justâ†µwants to see the FALCON PUNCH again so here you go:â†µ

â†µ

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