Page 138

Oh, it’s fine. What, did you expect to click and see “Oh, your fair warrior hath suffered an ACL tear” against an FCS opponent? First of all, I’m certain they’d pull Cam Newton after the second series at most, and second I don’t even know if Cam Newton has ACLs. For all I know they’re just super-strength bungee cords that may be replaced by even a non-licensed medical professional with ease.

You may have noticed that if you decided to play backups, you ended up here, too. That is because the UT-C Mocs cannot beat Auburn in this year or almost any other. Barring heinous lightning strike and a subsequent display of atrocious sportsmanship by UT-C, this is truth and you shall acknowledge it.

The Mocs lose by a heinous number of points. More feasting and resting of the Cam atop his bed made of ladies follows. But then---

Barking! Barking on the plains as a plague of Bulldogs attacks you. What do you do with a team that has managed to beat the pants off of the patsies of the conference while struggling with everyone with a semblance of talent. This won’t stop Mark May from railing on and on about how Aaron Murray will riddle your shoddy secondary by throwing it up to AJ Green, who is like Julio Jones but better and without a fake arm. (<---SPOILER ALERT.)

In fact, May will adjust his smarmy hipster glasses and tell you that Georgia, yes Georgia is the team to beat Auburn and put a dent in their national title hopes. As the hordes of intentionally deformed dogs with short legs, cardiac problems, and an inability to stand temperatures over sixty degrees surrounds you, do you listen to what May is saying and--shhh, don’t tell the wife or the NCAA--wager against your own team in the office pool?

If you decide Mark May is right, go to page 66.

If you do the sensible thing and correctly assume that everything Mark May says is wrong, please go to page 51.