The battle raged, but ultimately the answer to the theoretical question of “How many Bulldogs can Cam Newton, Onterio McCalebb, and Michael Dyer kick before their feet get sore” is found. The number is eleven at a time, with a slightly higher range allowed for package-specific substitutions and injuries. Really, you know where this all falls apart: on third down, where Georgia’s no better than the LSU defense Auburn just shredded. The LSU defense that was number one in rushing yards against in conference. The one Auburn ran for over four hundred yards against. You see the drift of this argument, and its eventual result.
Page 51
Reader’s Digest condensed version: CAM SMASH.
This means a bye week, meaning players are free for a week to lounge about the palace, which in Auburn means a luxuriously appointed barn like the one Patrick Swayze occupies in Road House. But across the way, there’s trouble: girls in French cut bikinis with huge blond hair! Henchmen in boots! A cruel man determined to keep the entire town of Opelika under his cruel thumb as he drives haphazardly down the road in a convertible whistling “Sh-Boom!”
This man must be stopped, if only to preserve the sanctity of the Auburn Supper Club. What do you do on your bye week?
Do you do what Patrick Swayze would do? Do you save the town on your bye week by roundhouse kicking this man in the face and into the lake? Turn to page 202 to clean up this town before you face Alabama.
No thanks, man. The Iron Bowl is too important, and because pain does in fact hurt I’ll just rest up and let this man continue his dominance over the town. Turn to page 348 if you want to disappoint your mentor Sam Elliott.
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