General

Instant Reaction: Tiger Woods is a Robot

Feb 19, 2010, 4:46 PM UTC

Look, it’s been a long time – well over a decade – that Tiger Woods has been revered as not only the greatest golfer in the world, but one of the greatest athletes of all time. He’s not only a fantastic physical specimen, but he is intelligent and well-learned enough to have gone to Stanford, one of the most prestigious academic institutions on the planet.â†µâ†µClearly, he’s a robot. â†µ

â†µâ†µDon’t believe me? Did you watch his apology? “Eep op ork…I’m sorry for what I’ve done…Beep boop bop…my behavior has been a personal disappointment…zim zam zoop…these are issues between a husband…beep bop bink…and a wife.”â†µ

â†µâ†µSure there was a hint of emotion at the beginning when he looked over at his mother in the front row. And, for a brief moment or two, he looked into the camera with what seemed to be something resembling remorse. Then again, it could just be he was low on oil. â†µ

â†µâ†µThere’s no point in dissecting the words he said, because they have been vetted a thousand times over. It’s how he said them that matters. He was nervous at the beginning and angry in the middle, but he never seemed, well, human, at any time. He read a statement, and he got out of there. â†µ

â†µâ†µOh, right, there was that part of the show where he talked about being a Buddhist, and how he strayed from the teachings of his mother and is sorry for that. He then went over and hugged his mom before exiting the room.That’s kind of human, right?â†µ

â†µâ†µAnd that’s that: Tiger said what he was told to say. He gave exactly the same amount of emotion he does whenever we see him on TV – well, except for that time he broke down and cried after his dad had passed away and he won the British Open. That was the only time he acted like a real person and not the programmed machine we’ve been forced to follow. Forget what Tiger Woods, the person looks like? â†µ

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