Heath Bell: The Most Interesting Man in MLB?

Did you know that San Diego Padres closer Heath Bell was named after a waste dump in England, according to Heath Bell? How about that he uses the chocolate variety of the Axe deodorant because of the commercial for the product? (“I like ... biting,” he says.)

Here’s the kicker: Did you know Bell thinks that computers were invented by aliens?

⇥Bell: But I definitely believe in UFOs and the government ... You know in “Men in Black,” how the toaster’s been patented and TVs? I do believe that’s alien technology.⇥⇥DB: The toaster?⇥

⇥⇥Bell: I’m just giving you an example from “Men in Black” where they say the patent from the toaster and 8-track player is from alien technology. I believe that computers are from aliens.⇥

⇥⇥DB: You’re not giving us humans much credit.⇥

⇥⇥Bell: We’re not very bright. I mean, think of it. If somebody says that “X” happens, everyone believes it because it’s in the paper. But not everybody has their facts straight. If it’s on TV, people believe it. If you’re rich, poor people believe whatever they say. We’re a bunch of followers.⇥

That’s probably the most entertaining tenet of Bell’s belief system, as laid out in his epic Answer Man session with Big League Stew’s Dave Brown. Answer Man, as a Q and A format, lends itself to the sort of outrageous things that straddle the border between the truth and the ridiculous, because Brown is so good at coaxing hilarity out of his subjects. But Bell seems to bring his own eccentric orbit to the task, sounding off about Heath Bell giveaways...⇥DB: Checking the Padres promotions schedule ...⇥⇥Bell: [Sighs, shakes head].⇥

⇥⇥DB: The Padres don’t have any Heath Bell giveaways this year.⇥

⇥⇥Bell: “We’re saving them for the playoffs!”⇥

...his ideal number of saves (53), how he would react to a brawl (“Like a wrestler. WWE. Jake the Snake.”), why he doesn’t destroy his locker (“Well, I felt bad for all the clubhouse guys when I really would tear it all apart and then they’d have to pick it all up.”), and, more than once, his posterior.The interview is really as fascinating as any I’ve read with an athlete of late, and well worth a click. Bell may not be the world’s best baseball player -- he demurs, at one point, “I’m not really that good of a pitcher. I’m just a guy that works really hard.” -- but he might be the baseball world’s best quote.

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