Matching MLB Players to Their Teen-Pop Walk-Up Music

↵↵It’s probably high time to realize that the only demographic that matters in American life today is the preteen girl. Cameron Maybin conceded this by soundtracking some of his walks to the plate with Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” in April. Now, Mark Teahen’s joined the revolution that will turn baseball to a sport watched exclusively by retirees and caterwauling tweens by catching a case of Bieber Fever.↵

↵↵⇥Fans in Chicago might have been a bit surprised last week when the White Sox’s Mark Teahen stepped to the plate against Kansas City.↵⇥↵⇥Not only did Justin Bieber throw out the first pitch, but the teen sensation’s hit “Baby” blasted through U.S. Cellular Field when Teahen came up to bat. Teahen usually plays a reggaeton song by former teammate Jose Lima’s band and mixes in other tunes like “Barbie Girl” by Aqua and “A Bay Bay” by Hurricane Chris.↵⇥

↵⇥↵⇥Not this night. With Bieber at the park, Teahen figured why not use “Baby”? Although he’s not necessarily a die-hard fan of the singer, he said he got turned on to the song a few months ago by his girlfriend and even has it on his iPhone.↵⇥

↵⇥↵⇥“The Bieber thing kind of started as a joke,” Teahen said.↵⇥

↵↵Now, I have no problem with Bieber, or “Baby.” (Related: I have the musical tastes of a 13-year-old girl.) But what I really want, if MLB players are going to give over their at-bats to the most saccharine of music, is for the songs to at least fit the players.↵↵So I made a list.↵

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Jeff Francoeur, Mets: “Naturally,“ Selena Gomez. You remember when Francoeur showed up on the cover of Sports Illustrated with “The Natural” written across him? Well, that’s just a coincidence: I’m picking this because how Frenchy chooses to express himself is all his own, and I can tell it comes naturally.↵↵Milton Bradley, Mariners: “Eenie Meenie,“ Justin Bieber feat. Sean Kingston. Doesn’t Bradley, who’s been with eight teams in his career, strike you as the “eenie meenie minie moe lover” type?↵

↵↵Alex Rodriguez, Yankees: “Whataya Want From Me,“ Adam Lambert. “Oh, once upon a time, I didn’t give a damn” totally fits Yankee fans’ perceptions of A-Rod as a me-first stat-grubber! It would have worked a little better before last year, but, then, the song also sort of arcs toward figuring things out, and A-Rod definitely had all the necessary epiphanies to jump from surefire Hall of Famer to World Series champion last year. Right?↵

↵↵Derek Jeter, Yankees: “According to You,“ Orianthi. Work with me here: Jeter’s the perfect Yankee, according to Yankees fans/the “him” in the song, but his defense and the praise he gets from that crowd are maligned by statheads and Yankee haters/the “you” in the song. (What do you mean, this would have worked better for A-Rod? I can’t just list him seven times.)↵

↵↵Barry Bonds, Team Delusional: “Who I Am,“ Nick Jonas and The Administration. Wanting someone to love him for who he is (and maybe give him a job hitting baseballs, please?) is so Barry. (Yeah, this works for A-Rod, too.)↵

↵↵Got any others? Tell me in the comments.↵

↵(HT: Walkoff Walk.)↵