As an ardent Duke hater and a lacrosse skeptic, watching yesterday’s NCAA finals, won by the Blue Devils, was pretty difficult. Writing this recap was even worse. So, as a means for catharsis, why not bring in Fake Scoop to break down the NCAA Lacrosse Finals?
Fake Scoop: Lacrosse? Lacrosse?! We Talking ‘Bout Lacrosse
Uh-oh, y'all. The pasty pastime just got real. Indeed. Realer than Jim Brown wearing Kente Cloth kickin' knowledge on the corner. It's like that? It's like THAT. They said I couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it. Didn't know how. So I had to.
Sorry haters. Time for Uncle Scoop to break it down. Lacrosse, y’all.
First thing’s first. Meet Zach Brenneman.
Zach scored three goals on Monday, more than anybody on the field. And let me put it like this: Webster had a word for my main man Zach. Cherubic. You may ask yourself, “What does Uncle Scoop know about lacrosse?” And I’d respond. Question for a question, y’all. “What does lacrosse know about some cherubic superstars?” To answer that, you need a Goddamn treasure map.
Yes indeed. Lacrosse has come a long way since the days of Jim Brown. Yesterday, Duke and Notre Dame were competing to win their first-ever National Title. A “breakthrough” win.
Funny.
The “new” champions look a lot like the old champions. Is Uncle Scoop crazy?
Crazy real, maybe.
Allow me to interrupt your regular scheduled programming with an anecdote for Uncle Scoop’s weekend adventures. There I was at the bar. Posted up. Drink in hand. Game on the big screen. Kobe doin’ work. But this ain’t a movie, y’all. This was Real, Cold, Killer stuff.
Suns down five. Steve Nash bringin’ ‘em back after Alvin brought him back too late. Can the Suns get a stop? Kobe to the left. Kobe to the right. Double pump. Hangs in the air....
Can the Suns get a stop? Nope:
But then, just as I’m enjoying one of Kobe Bean’s finest... Someone walks up to ruin the moment. Puts a bottle of Smirnoff in my face.
“Iced you, bro! ICED YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU.”
And I said, “Pardon the interruption, cousin. I am not your brother.”
And he said, “Doesn’t matter, bro! CHUG IT! DOWN ON ONE KNEE! RIGHT NOW!”
This man was serious as a heart attack in a hurricane. So of course Uncle Scoop had to flip the script on ‘em. I’m supposed to bow on one knee? Heh. Maybe about 30 seconds after never.
I told him straight-off: “Listen, bro. I don’t know what planet you’re from or what you think this is, but Uncle Scoop only drinks Ciroc, so you can take that Smirnoff back to Kansas and tell Toto that Scoop will see him on the other side.”
Simple and plain, that’s the game.
But you know why I shared that tale from Scoop’s adventures? Zach Brenneman, yall. The leading scorer in the lacrosse game Monday “iced me” on Friday. Coincidence?
I think not. People say Duke lacrosse had the ultimate redemption on Monday. “Duke lacrosse is finally free,” they say. We don’t even need to go there, do we? No. Never that.
But “ultimate redemption”?
It looked more like a game of ultimate frisbee to Uncle Scoop.
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