- Justin Verlander is in now, and he’s immediately met with a groundball single by David Wright. This game is going by so fast, with so few moments of interest, that I’m not actually being given much material. So in lieu of the All-Star Game, I’m going to talk about Lava Canyon. Did you know that Lava Canyon is a canyon on the Chilko River in the Chilcotin District of the Interior of British Columbia, Canada, located about 35 kilometers below the Chilko’s outflow from the foot of Chilko Lake? I didn’t either! That wasn’t the Lava Canyon I meant to look up, but, hey, cool, two Lava Canyons.
- David Wright steals second easily. Must be stealing signs. This one counts. Andre Ethier lines a single into right, but he hit it too hard, and Wright has to hold at third base. I want a run to score, but I’d really prefer it be by the AL, since the AL’s dominance in this thing is funny to me. Still, if I have to choose between what’s funny and what puts this game on pace to end before 9, I’ll go with the latter. Wild pitch, anybody?
- There’s a fan behind the on-deck circle with his head down, texting somebody. I’d tell him to pay attention to what’s happening on the field since he has such bitchin’ seats, but then, it’s Yadier Molina standing directly in front of him, so this is as good an opportunity as any to get in touch with your buddies. “Where you at?” “Sitting behind Yadier Molina.” “Who?” Major League Baseball All-Star Game!
- Shot of the dugout, with Corey Hart drinking out of a water bottle in the foreground. What a lot of people don’t know is that Corey Hart is disappointed every time his water bottle doesn’t have a nice juicy salmon. The NL can’t convert as Wright is stranded at third. Now that was just a waste of an inning. These hits and long at bats are going to make me mad.
- Thomas Haden Church is doing a voiceover for a DirecTV commercial. Ned & Stacey lasted two seasons. Two And A Half Men is going on its eighth. Criminal. The kid isn’t even half anymore. He’s 16 years old. That show should be called Three Men.
- Here’s Hong-Chih Kuo for the NL. I don’t really know much about Hong-Chih Kuo, so for that reason I’m going to say that this is the AL’s big opportunity to break through and grab this game by the balls. Did some research. Kuo has appeared in 26 games this year, throwing 27.1 innings. Why didn’t people want Stephen Strasburg to make it again? Is having Kuo throw this inning instead of Strasburg really preserving the integrity of the game?
- Kuo walks his first batter, then throws the ball away on a swinging bunt against his second. Nobody out and two in scoring position for the AL. Sometimes even I can’t believe how smart I am. Robinson Cano is up, and he needs to hit a single, and everybody else in the game needs to make first-pitch outs.
- A sac fly will do. 1-0 American League! Now proceed with the quick outs! Play Omar Infante! Manuel selected Infante because he can play a number of positions, right? Play Omar Infante in multiple places! The fact that the National League All-Star team has Omar Infante and Yadier Molina is pretty good evidence of how the leagues still aren’t balanced. Here’s Heath Bell to replace Kuo in our first mid-inning pitching change. I hate Kuo now. Of the limited information I’ve learned about him today, I hate him.
- Jake Gyllenhaal just compared baseball to the fight against cancer, which isn’t as crazy as it sounds. I wouldn’t want to watch the world’s best cell biologists pipette against one another for four hours, either.
- Inning ends with the AL up 1-0. If this score holds, we only have another three and a half innings to go. I haven’t actually eaten anything substantial all day and can’t really take a break at the moment, so for as long as this drags on, the All-Star Game is actively having a negative effect on my health.
Thoughts On The 2010 All-Star Game’s Fifth Inning
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