Because This Is America: A Running Diary Of USA-Iran In The FIBA Championships

Are the terrorists going to win? Did the Holocaust really happen? Who’s the best pilot, Mav? Do you support the troops? Do these colors run? How do you spell “Ahmadinejad”?

All questions that figure to be answered this afternoon in Turkey. And I’ll tell you what, my red-blooded American friend, we’re going to go out there and kick some Iranian ass, and then celebrate the only way we know how. By getting drunk on some domestic beer, getting in our car, and taking a goddamn victory lap.

It’s a beautiful day in America, I have unlimited access to YouTube and ESPN and Diet Coke and all the other freedoms that make this country great, and that means I’m keeping a running diary of Team USA’s matchup with Iran this afternoon. Why? Because we can’t fight the oil spill, so this’ll have to do. LET’S GET IT ON.

(All times Eastern Standard Time)

12:03 — And we’re under way live from Turkey, where... Apparently the fans didn’t share my enthusiasm for this particular freedom fight. We begin the game with an Iranian turnover, and then a Derrick Rose to Kevin Durant alley-oop to set the tone Kevin Durant passing the ball to the scorers table, 45 feet away from the hoop.

“If they lose this game,” Fran Fraschilla tells us, “It’s the biggest upset in international play in a long, long time.” It’d also be a bittersweet victory for fascism and insanely hypocritical regimes.

Bitter because, if that happened, Coach K’s reputation would take a serious hit.
12:05 — Durant gets caught clearly mouthing the words “F--K!” after a missed three, reaffirming my faith in his ability to lead this country. That’s not me being snarky, either; Kevin Durant seems like the nicest, most humble dude in the world off the court, but when the games begin, he turns into a straight up killer. When things don’t go LeBron’s way, he pouts. When things don’t go Durant’s way, he curses loudly at himself. That’s more important than you’d think.

12:06 — Fraschilla: “It’s going to be a long day for Iran, because...”

And really, there are a lot of different directions he could have taken this one.

“...because their best player is the worst player on the Memphis Grizzlies.”

“...because even FIBA refs can’t close a 30 point gap.”

“...because it turns out, Team USA got to the arena safely, after all.”

“...because Kevin Love thinks they’re playing Iraq.”

What he said, “...because they just don’t have the athleticism.”

Or, my personal favorite, “...because freedom always wins.”

12:07 — Fraschilla: “You get everybody’s best shot when you’re coached by Coach K.” Right. That’s definitely why we’re getting everyone’s best shot.

12:08 — GAHHHH! Iran takes a 5-3 lead on a wide-open three. How did Lamar Odom miss that rotation? Oh God, it’s because we didn’t sing the anthem... We forgot about the anthem!

There. Much better. Jimi shreds, and KD hits a three. God Bless the USA.

12:09 — Hamed Haddadi, the Iranian’s lone NBA player and the first-ever to make that jump, is called a “quiet trailblazer” by the announcing team.

12:11 — Chauncey opts against a lay-up and throws away a transition alley-oop to KD. This is a good place to talk about Team USA’s biggest problem in International Hoops: We don’t give a shit. We say the right things, we’ve gotten better at picking the right players, and everybody sincerely wants to win Gold.

But that’s only half the battle. The problem we have is that in the end, this means nothing to someone like Derrick Rose or Kevin Durant. It’s not politically correct to say this now, because USA Basketball has made a concerted effort to get better, and make winning these competitions a high priority for everyone involved. And again, everyone’s saying the right things, dedicating their summer to the cause, and representing Team USA with as much class as possible.

It’s all well and good, and hopefully the Americans can pull it out. But compare these games to an NBA playoff game. Would Chauncey have gone for the alley-oop if this was the Western Conference Finals?

The problem relates the American sub-conscious. For American kids, an NBA championship is the crowning achievement, and playing for USA Basketball is “just something great players do sometimes.” Because of that, even with this roster—America’s “C” team, realistically—everyone’s so talented, it’s hard for anyone to expect them to take these games as seriously as they take a game against the Lakers.

Want to know why USA Basketball doesn’t always blow people out in international basketball? Because to Americans, this will always be an exhibition. Even if they say otherwise. Unlike their opponents, it hasn’t been conditioned in them from day one to care about this stuff. And then that gets borne out in sloppy play, stupid alley-oops, and lazy defense. It just does.

This isn’t groundbreaking analysis, but there’s some rhetoric out there that would have you believe the U.S. suddenly doesn’t have this problem anymore. That’s not true, and you can see it in every game.

Plus, you know, everybody always gives Coach K’s team their best shot.

12:12 — Fraschilla: “I think they need to practice some halfcourt offense.”

12:16 — I got it! Hamed Haddadi looks like the guy from You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.

12:17 — Fraschilla shouts out the The Painted Area, pretty much the best resource on the entire internet for international hoops analysis. Fran mentioned this post, specifically:

Brazil spread the floor well, a Magnano trademark, and would often start its sets up very high. The pick/roll coverage wasn’t superb but I don’t think Team USA had major breakdowns there. Team USA actually got hurt on off-ball curls nearly as much as pick/rolls.
This is not a surprise as NBA players don’t see that type of off-ball movement in the U.S.--lots more moving parts to deal with in FIBA ball. Brazil ran a lot of continuity sets, like the ones Magnano’s Argentina teams used to perplex Team USA with. It’s not just pick/roll that befuddles Team USA, it’s the off-ball action and screens coming from all angles. You will see a lot of variations on Princeton sets or flex sets in this tourney. Constant offensive motion is a staple of int’l basketball. Offenses with reads, counterplays, and counterplays to the counterplays.

If we were preparing Team USA for what to expect in this tourney, we’d tell them that it’s like playing the Jazz many times. And if you ask NBA players about defending the Jazz offense, we’re sure most would say it’s not fun.

12:18 — A Hamed Hadaddi three, leaning into a defender, barely draws iron. Apparently, Hamed decided to deviate from the Jazz offense on that one.

It’s followed by Russell Westbrook careening into the lane and missing a lay-up off the glass, before Tyson Chandler thundering home a putback dunk. This sequence epitomizes...

A) This entire game.

B) USA Basketball’s inherent weakness (out of control athleticism) and inherent stengths (out of control athleticism).

C) The United States approach to military operations, whereby we attempt to settle things on the ground, but if things get out of hand, rest assured someone will come flying in from out of nowhere to shake your entire world to the core.

12:22 — “International coaches don’t think tactically,” explains Fraschilla. “They think strategically.”

12:23 — Final U.S. possession of the quarter: “That was no passing, not a lot of movement, no recognition of the shot clock.” Can the U.S. coaches begin to think like the European coaches?

12:27 — Have you ever seen “the white guy move”? You definitely have. It’s the up-and-under, where you pump fake and then lean under the more athletic defender. Look:

Say this much for ‘em: the Iranian team sure does a lot of white guy moves.

12:28 — Steph Curry throws an around-the-back pass to the basketball stanchion. America!

12:30 — According to Fanhouse’s Tom Ziller, Team USA will likely face the winner of Angola-Germany once the elimination round begins next week. If Germany wins... You bet your ass we’re running with the World War II motif. Because while Iran would like to pretend otherwise, World War II happened, and WE WON.

12:31 — Fraschilla explains that “Little nitpicky dribble penetration has been trouble for U.S.A. so far.” So there’s that.

12:32 — There’s also this: Kevin Love is probably the most valuable player on this entire team, and definitely the best big man. He was averaging 28 rebounds per 40 minutes coming into today’s matchup. Which is exactly why we’re starting Lamar Odom?

12:35 — “He’s not the most mobile guy in the world,” explains one of the announcers. Reminds me of Eddie Murphy in Delirious: “Michael Jackson can sing, and is a good looking guy. But he ain’t the most masculine fellow...”

12:39 — “If you had a draft of every player in the world... Kevin Durant would either be the number one or number two pick.” Had never thought about it that way, but Fran Fraschilla’s probably right. What a brilliant ambassador for the future of basketball.

...And a constant reminder of how badly Seattle got screwed by the NBA.

12:41 — Iran has a 3-on-1 against Chauncey Billups and pulls back. COWARDS.

12:41 — Iran gets an open layup for two.

12:50 — Halftime. United States leading 42-28 at halftime. Should probably be tied, but Iran has missed several wide-open threes, and looks determined to get blown out. I’d complain about the U.S. showing, but Spain is .500 in pool play, and in danger of elimination.

5.7 PPG

37.5 FG%

“There’s no leadership on this team,” a commentator says of the Spanish squad.

The numbers above? That’s Ricky Rubio’s output thus far in the FIBA Championships. Is he the next Pete Maravich, or a poor facsimile of Jose Calderon? Depends who you ask.

12:52 — Russia beats China 89-80. “Watch out for Russia” warns the announcing team.

Don’t have to tell me twice, guys.

1:01 — Don’t know if these ads were nationally televised or it was just a D.C. thing, but judging by the dancing here, Value City couches and beds are filled with PCP.

1:03 — The United States comes out of the gate with an extra dose of KICK ASS and a hint of F—K YEAH, scoring six unanswered points. Then Iran takes a timeout and we cut to a Jim Nantz commercial, just to remind everyone why this country sucks sometimes.

1:05 — “Iran does a nice job of running their offense” says Fraschilla. But this isn’t true at all. There’s a defense between “running a nice offense” and “waiting for the United States to get lazy.” The Iranians are good at the second one, but I’m not ready to concede the first point. In related news, the U.S. lead is now 20, and we’re officially in blowout territory.

1:06 — Derrick Rose blows by the entire Iran defense. Seems like a good time for this:

1:07 — The U.S. turnovers will be a huge achilles heel. That’s like saying the Middle East has issues with stability. It’s a lot more complicated than that, and it may never be fixed. ... What, bad example?

1:10 — Andre Iguodala has a clean block on an Iranian streaking to the hoop, and Fraschilla explains, “You have to adjust.” FIBA refs are spineless, incompetent, and they tend to have a strong bias against Americans. You have to adjust, and treat them like the French.

1:12 — Fraschilla just compared Iran to a scout team. Probably time to start wrapping this up.
1:17 — Steph Curry uses a textbook white guy move to nail an open 20-footer, followed by Fraschilla calling him a “fundamentally sound player.”

(Note: at 12:28 EST: “Steph Curry throws an around-the-back pass to the basketball stanchion.”)

1:18 — At the same time, my colleague Mike Prada tweeted the following:

We could, Mike. We could. But then how would describe “white-looking” plays?

1:19 — “There was a time when LeBron, Kobe, Carmelo... They wouldn’t be allowed to play in the 2012 Olympic Games if they didn’t play in the Fiba Championships. But they relaxed those rules a little bit.”

1:22 — 34 turnovers in this game so far.

1:22 — Err... 35, now. The rest of this diary, we’ll dedicate to Hamed Haddadi.

1:26 — “I’m tellin ya,” Fraschilla says, “There’s worse backup centers in the NBA.”

WATCH HADDADI FLY.

1:29 — Haddadi has been launching threes for the entire day. He’s like Omar Samahn, except two inches taller, and not as funny. Or, as our announcers tell us, “He’s not quite the Shaq of Iran, but he did have a cameo in a TV Drama.”

HADDADI DOES HIS OWN STUNTS.

1:34 — “You can just see the joy in his face.”

...Fraschilla may try to adopt Haddadi before we’re done here.

1:39 — Danny Granger knocks down a three, and suddenly, the United States is up 37. That’s where we stop. 88-51 is your final score, and while it wasn’t as disastrous for the Iranians as one might have hoped, I think it’s clear who won the battle between Freedom and Fascism this afternoon. It wasn’t the Quiet Trailblazer, folks.

On a serious note, the U.S. didn’t look great, and against a better team, they’ll have real trouble if they play like this again. But what do you expect? How seriously can anyone “gamplan” for someone like Hamed Haddadi? And while the halfcourt execution needs work, even I can’t pin that completely on Coach K. The players have to focus on not making ridiculous passes, moving the ball, and playing within themselves for 40 minutes. When they do that, this USA team is unbeatable... But can they do that?

Today certainly didn’t answer any questions on that front. But it did tell us that freedom isn’t free, and these colors don’t run. Or something. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go get drunk, find a stock car, and do a victory lap waving an American Flag, then go meet John Daly for a quick 18 before Hooters Happy Hour. LET FREEDOM RING ALL THROUGHOUT THE FAIRWAYS OF THE WORLD.