2011 NFL Draft Choose Your Own Adventure: Page 35; You’re Talking To Cam Newton

You have decided to look into a CAM NEWTON. Don’t mind his unusual posture. He enjoys standing at 30 degree angles relative to the ground. It is one of his favorite hobbies, along with getting hugged by strangers wearing football helmets. You would know this if you watched more than one college football game last year, but you happened to be busy drinking heavily on boats yachting.

We’ll sum him up for you.

PHYSICAL CONCERNS: Unlike practically every other Heisman winner at quarterback, none. He’s huge, he’s fast, he’s strong, he’s had no major injuries, and he is both tall, huge, and built like a Sumerian War God. His throwing motion is fine. He would be happy to show you how fine it is while throwing a ball through your car windows, but his father says you’ll have to pay his standard fee for allowing Cam to break your car windows for you. Make all checks payable to Cecil Newton Ministries, LLC.

He’s perfect in this respect.

MENTAL CONCERNS: This is the part of the window sticker you might be looking at with some level of scrutiny if you sort of know what you’re doing. Newton spent most of his time at Auburn running a diabolically fast but simple offense designed by speed freak offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn. This offense relied heavily on Newton’s run skills--wait, I’m sorry. Your left shoulder hurts? But is it a spiraling pain? No?

Okay, you are not having a heart attack. But you might when you add in the run-first mentality Newton will likely bring with him into the NFL, so remember: it’s a spiralling pain, not just tingling. Of even greater concern is the long learning curve Newton will face in the pro passing game. This is what he is used to seeing.

This is a simple read. After your ball fakes, see if the tight end is open. If he is not, then look deep to the wideout, and by then you’re probably out of time and that’s okay because you are Cam Newton and you’ll just run and make something up as you go. Being superhuman has its advantages.

This, however, is more akin to what Newton will be reading as a pro quarterback.

I’m not going to lie. I am pretty certain that is not a football play. That is a Kandinsky, and it might as well be what he is looking at when he sees OH 989 Over, Spacing concepts, or Shallow Cross/Drive out of ten different formations. Newton isn’t dumb, but he will be an investment of time.

STUPID CONCERNS: “He doesn’t want it enough.” Has won championships at every level he has played at, and played a large role in doing so. “He has no character, seems fake.” Even if true, has never been a hindrance to professional success period, much less success as an athlete. “Everything suggested in this Gregg Easterbrook column.“ Yes! Two points of special interest:

In summary, I don’t think Gregg Easterbrook actually knows anything about football, and asks a magical peanut butter and banana sandwich named Carla for all his football theories.

WHO HE SHOULD REMIND YOU OF: At his best, Ben Roethlisberger. Big, lummoxy at NFL speed, and capable of keeping plays alive with the feet and stretching the field with his arm. At his potential worst, he is low-carb Jamarcus Russell.

You have been briefed. What say you now?

I am interested in this Cam Newton, and my name is Jerry Richardson of the Carolina Panthers, and I would like to turn to page 89 to begin negotiations with this young man.

I am interested in this Cam Newton, I am the Buffalo Bills, and I am going to defy years of being hit in the face by fate and be optimistic as I turn to page 55 to see what happens.
I am Al Davis, and I am insane and traded 4000 pounds of gold bullion to this pick, and I’d like to go to page 18 to accept my Super Bowl trophy please.

You didn’t mention me! My team wants Cam Newton, and is going to draft him! What about me? I’m going to go to page 71 just to find out what happens!

To start your adventure over, go back to page 1.