Brace yourselves, everybody, because it’s FA Cup fourth-round weekend in England (from here on out known as the tremendous thirty-two). The FA Cup is the most exciting tournament in the country, and there's always the chance for huge upsets in every round. We’ve got our share of big matches: Everton host Chelsea at Goodison Park in what looks to be the choicest fixture of the round. We've got David and Goliath games such as Nottingham County vs. Manchester City. We’ve also got some not-very-big-at-all-matches – apparently I have to preview Burnley vs. Burton Albion and yeah, that’s going to go well.
4th Round FA Cup Preview: Fixtures, Picks, and Cup Chaos.
SATURDAY
Everton vs. Chelsea
Time: 12:30PM GMT (7:30 AM EST)
What could be better than a good old fashion clash between Everton and the defending champions? David Moyes vs. Carlo Ancelotti is a contest between one of the game’s great managers and some Italian, so it’s obvious who’s going to win – the Scotsman. I mean, come on. Ancelotti’s let Didier Drogba be sick with malaria for months. If Moyes caught Jermaine Beckford getting malaria, he’d just make him bite Fernando Torres, then run sprints until he started being more manly.
Pick: 2-1 Everton.
Swansea vs. Leyton Orient
Time: 12:30PM GMT (7:30 AM EST)
Who let the Welsh play in this cup, anyway? I thought the FA Cup was reserved for English teams like Manchester City and Arsenal. And now they’re playing some team from the Orient? Ridiculous! Just a heads up, Leyton Orient, whoever you are – Asia has its own cup. They’re playing right now, in fact. Why aren't you there? Are you disoriented?
Pick: 2-2 Draw.
Time: 1:00 PM GMT (8:00 AM EST)
There was a time when Blackburn played skillful, imaginative football. That time was when I was confusing them for Blackpool. They’ll go to Villa and try to kick their hosts to death, but Gerard Houllier hasn’t been in Birmingham long enough for his Frenchness to influence the team, so they won’t just roll over. James Collins looks like he’d kick back pretty hard, too.
Pick: 3-1 Aston Villa.
Birmingham City vs. Coventry
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
When I think Birmingham, I think Aston Villa. Somehow, despite being rubbish, Birmingham’s other team has advanced to the Carling Cup final, and I’m told that the certainty of either Arsenal or Birmingham winning a trophy that matters is at the very least a major harbinger of the apocalypse. Fortunately, it’s just the Carling Cup up for grabs at Wembley next month. As for this match, both sides are bad. Draw.
Pick: 0-0 Draw.
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Bolton just lost 4-0 at home to Chelsea, which doesn’t bode well for the Trotters. Fortunately for them, they’re up against Roberto Martinez’s Wigan side, who lost 6-0 at home to Chelsea earlier in the season. I can do the calculations here – Bolton to win by three.
Pick: 3-0 Bolton.
Burnley vs. Burton Albion
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Last round, League Two Burton only went and beat Middlesbrough. Who’ve Burnley ever beaten at home? Nobody, that’s who.
Pick: 2-1 Burton.
Sheffield Wednesday vs. Hereford
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
They say Sheffield Wednesday were once a proud side whose tragic fall to League One reflects badly on all of football. I say a proud side would never have employed John Harkes. Look for Owls manager Alan Irvine to get sacked mid-game and for his side to win anyway.
Pick: 2-0 Sheffield Wednesday.
Stevenage vs. Reading
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Normally I’d call this an easy win for the Championship team over the League Two side. Then I noticed something interesting: You can’t spell Steven Gerrard without ‘stevenage’, and Steven Gerrard is amazing. Considering all factors, I think this is a draw.
Pick: 1-1 Draw.
Torquay vs. Crawley Town
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Creepy-Crawleys from the Conference against the Gulls? Gulls eat crickets. Simple.
Pick: 2-0 Torquay.
Watford vs. Brighton
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
I have seen Watford play Premier League matches a number of times and they were thoroughly outclassed and really quite bad. I have never seen Brighton play. Therefore, Bayesian probability says that Brighton are better than Watford. Don’t argue with it, it’s maths.
Pick: 1-0 Brighton.
Southampton vs. Manchester United
Time: 5:15 PM GMT (12:15 PM EST)
Playing against Southampton has been difficult for Manchester United in recent years, who’ve only won nine of their last ten games against the Saints - a record that will severely embarrass United fans. Look for some of that frustration to be taken out here.
Pick: 3-1 Manchester United.
SUNDAY
Arsenal vs. Huddersfield Town
Time: 12:00 PM GMT (7:00 AM EST)
It would be easy to say that high-flying Arsenal will crush Huddersfield Town. High-flying Arsenal will crush Huddersfield Town.
Pick: 3-0 Arsenal.
Time: 1:00 PM GMT (8:00 AM EST)
It’s another all-Premier League matchup with Wolves vs. Stoke. Stoke are working hard to overcome their reputation as no-nonsense/no-skill types, which is a bit of a shame because to be honest the only reason for anyone to have watched Stoke ever is Rory Delap. Wolves might be awful, but at least they stick to their principles.
Pick: 2-1 Stoke.
Nottingham County vs. Manchester City
Time: 2:00 PM GMT (9:00 AM EST)
I think this one is pretty easy to call. A vastly superior team with infinitely more resources against a League One side? You might think I’m going for the underdog angle, but I’m not. Unless someone invades City looking for oil they’ll annihilate Notts County here.
Pick: 4-0 Manchester City.
West Ham vs. Nottingham Forest
Time: 2:00 PM GMT (9:00 AM EST)
Back when West Ham were a Premier League team they’d have considered getting a Championship side at home in the fourth round a pretty favourable draw. Now that they’re in League One, it’s less clear cut. NB: This preview is from three years in the future.
Pick: 1-1 Draw.
Time: 4:30 PM GMT (11:30 AM EST)
Fulham are the side most likely to be participating in the derbies that nobody cares about, so what a surprise to find them here in a derby that nobody cares about. I’d imagine that Spurs will be trying to focus on the league and will field a weakened squad against the Cottagers. However, Fulham will insist on drawing this one just to be annoying.
Pick: 0-0 Draw.
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