Thursday night, we bore witness to a baseball game that helped to qualify this year’s World Series as one of the best of its era. <-- Whenever you see a sentence like that, know that it is code language for, “millions of people are very, very sad.” Indeed, the Rangers failed on multiple times to clinch the first World Series title in its history, and the Cardinals moved closer to clinching its 74th.
Rangers Fans Doomed To A Cold And Godless Hell, According To Reports
Our Rangers blog, Lone Star Ball, is a terrific community of serious baseball fans. Click here to observe the exact moment when they watched their world going to Hell. Click after the jump to read comments they may as well have posted.
Everyone is dead and everything is ruined forever.
- Internet subscriber “warrennewsonisgod”
A vulture squawks. A speck of volcanic ash sputters into the sky and hangs before finding itself carassed in the embrace of an acid raindrop, which falls, falls, into the eyelid of a child, his eyes turned upward, pleading to a God, a God whose parents are moving to Denver.
- Internet subscriber “leestevensisgod”
A baseball bat writes home to its mother. “I hope things are well in the forest. I have been sliced apart by a terrible machine. I have been branded as cattle and lacquered in the ooze of a dying factory. I am handsome. I wish you could see me as I am now, Mother, and not as I just was, an instrument of evil, wrapped within the muscled arms of a salesman of sorrow and regret. It did not hurt too badly, Mother. I am unbroken for now. Please tell the squirrels that I said hello. My existence is rudderless, and so, therefore, is the universe.”
- Internet subscriber “rogerpavlikisgod”
I unscrewed the housing of my doorbell and then I yanked at it until the hidden end split apart from the button at the front door. The wire is endless. I am still pulling. How long is this wire? Does it detour? Does it make a stop at the funeral home, engineered to trigger confetti every time someone rings my bell? It is nine blocks away! The terrible sorrow. O! the terrible sorrow, it is not a programming error in my existence. It is a feature.
- Internet subscriber “kevinmenchisgod”
All is as a soundless shriek in Hell.
- Internet subscriber “benjigilisgod”
There is a man somewhere, perhaps in Amarillo, hammering specks out of a gravestone. Don't worry, he is a licensed professional. But worry, because these are the words he is engraving: "TEXAS RANGERS, 1434-2011. I WAS OLD, I WAS GRAND, AND I AM SORRY I LEFT THE STOVE ON. O LORD! FORGIVE MY WRETCHED SOUL." There will be no ceremony.
- Internet subscriber “hanleyfriasisgod”
One day they will open me and they will find no individual organs. None! I am nothing but myself, and no separable components shall they find! No cells or molecules. Only a person, whose purpose is to weep over a man engineering a ball over a fence. Baseball is boring and stupid. I am going to play my Sega. There is no Sega! When did that happen? O! O Lord!
- Internet subscriber “godisrustygreer”
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