Helio Castroneves Shares Brazilian Health Secrets

Oh, hello there. Please, be not offended or bashful. Say I am beautiful! In Brazil, we make a national contest of beauty, so it is no shame. We have no ugly people, and lounge nude in tire swings all day admiring each other’s nudity. I just watched the Presidente stroll by, and it is fair for me to say his lats are those of a bronzed samba god.

Ha ha, the life is so good in Brazil! Unless you are ugly, and then you are sent to Paraguay to forage for lichen to survive.

I would like to thank ESPN Magazine for including me in the Body Issue. This is a very flattering thing. Maybe you wonder how someone gets the Brazilian body? Oh, I am not one for telling secrets, but let me share with you a peek of the routine that keeps me in speedo-ready Ipanema sexy shape.

8:00 a.m. Wake.

8:05 a.m. Go back to bed.

11:15 a.m. Wake, eat massive stack of banana mango pancakes.

11:18 a.m.--12:30 p.m. Remove the body hair.

12:30 p.m. Strolling along beach. The most important part of a Brasilero’s fitness regimen is the stroll. Perhaps you would like to walk briskly, but THIS IS NOT SAMBA STROLLING. Gaze intently at the beautiful women. Soak up the health-giving rays of the sun with ease. It is the best and only ab workout the Brazilian knows! Do not move with urgency, as it wrinkles the eyes and lowers the libido.

1:45 p.m. Scheduled petty robbery. Carry a few hundred dollars for this purpose. It is only polite.

2:16 p.m.--5:ish. The sex and napping.

5:30 p.m.--7:15 p.m. A luxuriant shower in a jungle setting. If you do not have a jungle setting, simply bathe naked in public. Applause is considered polite, but not necessary. Portions of this will be in slow motion. This is normal, and do not be alarmed. Apply cocoa butter at least 18 times for maximum silkiness, and accompany with bossa nova for relaxation.

7:30 p.m. Make dinner reservations for 8:00 p.m.

9:45 p.m. Show up for dinner reservation.

11:15 p.m. Dancing!

4:45 a.m. The sex and sleeping.

Now please I have said enough. Back to the tire swinging, which is very important to the Brazilian’s health and core strength.