The Charlie Sheen Meltdown Heats Up On The Radio, And CBS Puts ‘Two And A Half Men’ On Ice

CBS executives have decided to halt production on their sitcom Two and a Half Men after Charlie Sheen went on the radio Thursday and verbally abused the writer behind the hit comedy that pays him $1.2 million-per-episode as its featured star. For CBS, cutting their most popular show was obviously a tough decision to make, but it was made a little easier by Sheen, who left them no other choice.

Elsewhere in the radio interview, Sheen also compared himself to an F-18, called his critics fools, boasted of his army of Vatican assassins, ridiculed Alcoholics Anonymous, and called Thomas Jefferson a p****y.

And... Ladies and gentleman, let’s hear it for Charlie Sheen!

After Lenny Dykstra gave him the seal of approval and called him a genius, you had to know greatness was right around the corner. And even with the considerable curve against which any insane Charlie Sheen story should be measured, you gotta admit, his latest work grades out at a perfect 10. New York Magazine provides some highlights here:

On people who talk about him:
“Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

On his power:
“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

On why he should be feared:
“There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

On ex-presidents:
“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”

All in all, just a tour de force, and the logical next step for a man that’s been melting down for more than a year now. And we probably shouldn’t glorify it too much since he’s obviously working with some serious issues, but at the same time, it’s hard to ignore man, himself. “They look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

So we will!

My favorite part of the interview was definitely his explanation for his pornstar girlfriend that left him. “She’s not there now and we are and I don’t know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules. Oops.”

Words can’t really capture quite unstable he sounded during that bit, but regardless of how you feel about Charlie Sheen’s state of mind, you have to appreciate the way he explains himself. Someone should probably put those words onto an American flag for a bumper sticker. Winning anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be U.S.

You can listen to the interview in two parts here and here. As for the loss of Two and a Half Men, I don’t know a single person that actually watches what’s supposedly the most popular sitcom in America, so I’ll leave it someone else to comment there. That being said, if all of this jeopardizes the production of a drunk and deranged Sheen coming out of the bullpen in Major League 3, I’m going to be super bummed.

MORE LINKS! And yes, I realize these are five hours late today, but things got super busy lazy, and it’s Friday, so you’ll just have to bare with me...

Deadspin published the first draft on ESPN’s Player X column on fidelity in pro sports, and it’s pretty ridiculous. If you’re not familiar with Player X, it’s a series in ESPN The Magazine that’s written by an anonymous pro athlete, and gives an inside look at some of the issues around pro sports. It’s billed as “raw-and-uncut” but... Yeah, there was no way ESPN was going to publish an “uncut” version of this:

I tell every young player who will listen: sign that motherf- pre-nup. If the girl won’t sign, don’t get married, and find a girl who will sign. Elin took Tiger for half his money. I’m sorry, but no girl on this planet is worth $300 million. Sign that pre-nup! You’d be crazy not to. Do everything in your power to protect what you’ve worked so hard for. You may think you’re relationship will last, but it won’t. You may think you’re not going to cheat, but you will.

And look at the leverage a pre-nup gives you. Lets say you cheat. Let’s say you get caught. Well, if she leaves you, she’s not going to get that money. She can’t live the way she wants to or expects to live. In other words, she’ll never leave you.

If I had to guess, 85% of sports marriages fall apart. Some of the biggest names in the league are going through this right now.

It continues, and gets better from there. Which isn’t to say it totally makes sense, but it’s not necessarily supposed to make sense to us. The whole point of the column is to give us an honest perspective on the world of athletes, and in that way, this is pretty amazing, and totally fascinating. A little too honest for ESPN’s taste, though.

The NFL got caught red-handed negotiating a TV deal that included “lockout insurance” in exchange for a better deal for the networks. In other words, the NFL owners took less money in their latest TV Deal, which gave them less revenue to share with the players, but ensures that the owners and NFL will still get paid during a lockout. Money that, of course, the players will never see. It’s a pretty blatant violation of the collective bargaining agreement, so... Yeah. Yet another example of why you should be on the players’ side in all this.

Speaking of the NFL Lockout! Sally Jenkins had a great column yesterday on the biggest issue in the lockout that’s (so far) going ignored by both sides. Health insurance!

This is an old link, but screw it. A word about rating women on a scale of 1 to 10.

Everytime I watch a game on TNT with Reggie Miller announcing, I think this.

The Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag is excellent, as always.

Natalie Portman will likely win an Oscar this weekend, and considering all the movies she’s done lately, isn’t she becoming the preeminent female star of our time? In that case, she’s the perfect movie star for a generation of overprogrammed children.

Simmons’ breakdown of the NBA Trade Deadline was great, as well. The best part:

You might remember LeBron and Carmelo getting excoriated for stabbing their respective teams in the back. You want to know why they didn’t care? Because, deep down, they know that teams don’t care about players, either. They probably witnessed 20 variations of the Perkins trade during their first few years in the league. Hey, it’s a business. Hey, that’s just sports. Hey, trades come with the territory. Isn’t loyalty a two-way street? When a team does what’s best for itself, we call it smart. When a player does the same, we call him selfish. We never think about what a double standard it is. ... Perk deserved better than getting blindsided in Denver, then having to limp around with a sprained knee and pack his stuff with tears rolling down his face.

But hey, we’re not here to bring you down with somber tales of Boston Celtics tears. Today is all about Charlie Sheen! And really, when you think about Charlie Sheen, just remember, he’s an F-18, bro. He sees the forest from the trees, and he’s got poetry coming from his finger tips. And you’re not gonna believe this, but he thinks 9/11 was all a conspiracy. Long... Live...

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!