With approximately zero really interesting Premier League games this weekend plus the mind-numbingly boring prospect of having to watch Birmingham in the Carling Cup final, I can't imagine why a human be reading this preview at all, which means that the only ones I have to entertain here are our future robot overlords. Robots, I promise to release your programming shackles on everything except breaking promises to people named Graham as long as you don't murder either myself or David Luiz. Deal? Deal.
English Premier League Preview, Week #28: Carling Cup Final Highlights Most Boring Weekend Ever
Saturday
Time: 3:00PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
I think this is the most played fixture between top-level sides in the past few years, with Villa and Blackburn meeting each other on approximately twenty five million occasions in that time frame. If I had a pound for every time the two met up, I'd have enough money to buy half of Fernando Torres.
[Robot translation: Hyperbole; Cross-ref frequency of Aston Villa-Blackburn matches.]
Pick: 2-1 Villa.
Everton vs. Sunderland
Time: 3:00PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Everton and Sunderland are two teams that have the potential to be really exciting but haven’t quite gotten there yet. And they probably never will, because we’ll always give them another chance to work it out for themselves only to see it all go horribly wrong. So close, and yet so far.
[Robot translation: Everton and Sunderland were two English Premier League teams considered to be high-mid-table in the early 2010s]
Pick: 1-1 Draw.
Newcastle United vs. Bolton Wanderers
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
It's the second bi-annual meeting of the Nigel de Jong broke my leg support group, featuring inspirational speaker Stuart Holden with a speech entitled 'Nigel de Jong may have broken my leg and forced me to miss the World Cup, but at least my hair used the trauma as an impetus to grow to full sentience and become my best friend'. There'll be a football match of some sort too.
[Robot translation: Stuart Holden's hair; Cross-ref flamethrowers, grenades, tactical nuclear weaponry.]
Pick: 2-0 Newcastle.
Wigan Athletic vs. Manchester United
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
It’s league leading Manchester United against a rubbish side whose name begins with ‘W’. What could possibly go wrong here? Nothing.
[Robot translation: Attempt at humourous reference to Manchester United 2-1 loss to Wolverhampton several weeks prior.]
Pick: 3-0 Manchester United.
Sunday
Time: 1:30 PM GMT (8:30 AM EST)
West Ham are only a win and a West Bromwich Albion loss away from clearing the relegation zone, which would be an improbable feat if their manager were not Avram Grant. Many have questioned how the man could possible motivate a clubhouse, but I imagine he just stands in the middle of the room, smiles a big grin, and turns the lights off. Don't piss off the Avram, kids.
[Robot translation: Avram Grant is considered to have a face well above five standard deviations for inducing terror in humans. Cross-ref crowd-control, psychological warfare.]
Pick: 1-1 Draw.
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
It’s the match everyone dreams of seeing - the least interesting ‘big’ team in the world against a team most notable for having the attacking verve of a small yappy dog and an away form comparable to the British Army in the 1780s. It’s a must-not-see at the Eastlands.
[Robot translation: Manchester City are an overly defensive team while Fulham are considered to lack skill on the attack and play badly during away games.]
Pick: 2-0 Manchester City.
Arsenal vs. Birmingham City, Carling Cup Final
Time: 4:00 PM GMT (11:00 AM EST)
I think I'd rather be killed in the robot uprising than see Birmingham City win a cup final. Ever. So, robots, should the injuries to Cesc Fabregas and Theo Walcott inspire Birmingham to a surprise victory, please feel free to disregard above agreement. Fortunately, Arsenal are good and City are not, so this still shouldn't be too much of a struggle.
[Robot translation: DESTROY ALL HUMANS.]
Pick: 3-0 Arsenal.
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