It's a weekend that could have major ramifications for the Premier League title race, with Manchester United in action at Liverpool and second place Arsenal trying to close the gap with a home fixture against Sunderland. If United stumble, their cushion atop the table could be slashed to just a point. Meanwhile we have a relegation six-pointer between Birmingham and West Brom - if you're a fan of having all four 'w' teams at the bottom of the league (and who isn't?), you're obligated to rooted for the Brummies for this one.
English Premier League Preview, Week #29: Title Race Back On?
Saturday
Time: 12:45 PM GMT (7:45 AM EST)
I’ve never understood Albion-Birmingham City as a local derby. As a football match, fine, whatever, but as a derby? I’m sorry, but when I think of ‘West Bromwich Albion’ I see Arthurian legend, mists curling in from the sea with gentle fingers curling through the trees. It’s rather disheartening to realise that it’s just a slightly less terrible part of the Midlands.
Pick: 2-0 Birmingham.
Arsenal vs. Sunderland
Time: 3:00PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
There's been some speculation in anthropological circles about the battle for supremacy in Europe between neanderthals and modern humans. How did modern humans emerge triumphant? Could things have gone differently? I'd like to thank Laurent Koscielny and Wojciech Szczęsny for giving the world a glimpse of how an era of neanderthal supremacy might have come about.
Oh, and there’s a game too. Good chance of Arsenal bottling this one, but I think they’ll edge it.
Pick: 2-1 Arsenal.
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Bolton don't really lose at the Reebok, Aston Villa don't really win anywhere. Ashley Young has scored in each of his last five games against Bolton, while Daniel Sturridge has managed one in each of his last four against everyone. This means, of course, that neither will score and the announcers will spend the entire game baffled as to why.
Pick: 0-0 Draw.
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
BORING.
Pick: Who cares?
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
I think this game might set an English record for ‘fewest strikers ever involved in a match.’ The logical conclusion is that there won’t be many goals scored, but Newcastle and logic are like hamburgers and Saturn. They’ve never been put together in one sentence before and I shouldn’t have tried doing it just now.
Pick: 3-2 Everton.
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
The universe is finally catching on to the fact that Scott Parker's hair entitles him to the role of 'intergalactic superhero' and is adjusting accordingly. First, West Ham started not being actively terrible. Then, they started winning. Within four months I'm pretty sure that they'll be in the Europa spots with a +90 goal differential and then it's only a matter of time until Parker is named UN General Secretary. Scott Parker has amazing hair.
Pick: 2-0 West Ham
Manchester City vs. Wigan Athletic
Time: 5:15 PM GMT (12:15 PM EST)
Last weekend, poor James McCarthy was clocked in the head by a sublimely talented young striker with temper issues and a penchant for raising an elbow. Now he has to face a team with Mario Balotelli on it. Kid just can't catch a break.
Pick: 3-0 Manchester City.
Sunday
Time: 1:30 PM GMT (8:30 AM EST)
Manchester United are picking up injuries and bans so fast I hear that even the referee won’t be allowed to take the field for this one.
Pick: 2-2 Draw.
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs. Tottenham Hotspur
Time: 4:00 PM GMT (11:00 AM EST)
Good old Wolves. You can always rely on Mick McCarthy’s boys to put up a dogged defence, run around like the pitch is on fire, and try to nail you on set pieces. I mean, granted, that’s not really football and even then they’re not very good at it, but at least they play the game the right way.
Oh, and if you averaged out the two managers you’d have a normally shaped hideously ugly man.
Pick: 2-0 Tottenham.
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