Paying Your Sports Celebrities To Speak: A Value Menu

Famous people make money to talk to non-famous people. This happens whether or not the famous person in question can actually speak, since what you will write them a check for is their very presence, not their stories of prevailing over their handicaps of being wealthy, physically gifted, and surrounded by people who tell them exactly what they want to think. Then, the rubber chicken, the awkward photo, and a mailing of a shockingly large check for the entire experience follows.

The rubber chicken circuit’s deals are not, as this list shows, all created equal. Let’s make sure you and the company that will inevitably blow money on a corporate speaker go in with both eyes wide open.

DEALS

Shannon Sharpe, $15,001--30,000. You don’t know what he’s saying, but know this: no one else could say it quite like Shannon Sharpe, and that is a unique talent you can’t find anywhere else.

Bill Walton, $15,001--30,000. For those who like quantity and a lingering buzz for days afterwards.

Bill Raftery, $0-15,000. Zero is a possibility, or as you would call them in negotiations beforehand, “Math onions!”

Erin Andrews, $0-15,000. Note: MUST ACTUALLY BE A CORPORATE LUNCH, and not just lunch with one guy who works in a corporation.

HEINOUSLY OVERPRICED.

Jim Nantz, $15,001-30,000. Nothing you couldn’t do with a cardboard cutout and a text-to-speech program hooked up to the microphone.

Howie Long, $50,000 and up. Paying to be called a pansy for driving a car that gets good gas mileage is the province of fools, or anyone who pays $50,000 to hear Howie Long talk about anything.

Bill Parcells, $30,000-50,000. Hating yourself is free, and Bill Parcells speaking can cost upwards of fifty grand. Accounting says this decision is made and was simple. (Warning: he may just take the check and let Bill Belichick do all the work.)

Roy Firestone, $15,000-30,000. Exception: worth the money if he gets your CEO to cry during an interview AND he sings.

Chris Berman, $50,000 and up. Time asked the insane question this week “Is Hell Dead?” The answer is “I don’t know, but not for you if you actually pay fifty grand to listen to Chris Berman speak.” Paying this much money to Chris Berman for lunch and a recitation of catch phrases form 1988 does not make you a bad person. It makes you an absolutely rock-bottom evil person. That’s an important distinction to make here.