Serie A, Week 35 Preview: Just Give AC Milan The Scudetto And Move On

Oooooh, AC Milan could clinch the title in Week 35, provided Inter Milan fail to win. At least, according to a news report that I just read and am too lazy to verify, mostly because math makes my head hurt so early in the morning. Then again, other outlets are reporting that Napoli still have an outside chance at the scudetto, and seeing how Inter are above Napoli in the standings, none of this makes sense whatsoever. So let’s just declare Milan the champions and move on to Champions League positions and relegation battles.*

Saturday

18:00 CET, 12:00 PM ET

It’s actually correct that Inter need nothing but a win in the opening game of Week 35 -- a draw plus wins in the last three matches gives them 77 points, and even if Milan were to grab just three points from the remaining four matches, the scudetto is theirs. Slight problem, though: Cesena need at least a point to prevent a Sampdoria or Lecce victory pushing them into the relegation zone. Battle of the wills!

20:45 CET, 2:45 PM ET

Yeah, ok, Napoli still have a chance at a title -- if they are perfect through their final four matches, and Milan don’t win at all. Or draw more than twice. Let’s put the dreams of a Southern title out of our minds and just focus on keeping third place, shall we, partenopei? It’s been a dream season. Let Edinson Cavani loose on goal and cross your fingers. Problem: Genoa absolutely despise, abhor and hate conceding goals away from home. They also hate scoring them, however, so just expect a boring draw.

Sunday

15:00 CET, 9:00 AM ET

Yeah, it’s a relegation battle for Lecce, so it might not be fair to place this match into the “least-recommended” slot. But Chievo are not only boring and brutish, they’re masters of a home draw. There’s nothing about this match that will result in the headline, “Lecce to Safety.”

If Sampdoria get relegated, dyslexics will no longer be confused between them and Fiorentina. Go on, Brescia -- bring that big bus with you to Genoa.

Catania certainly aren’t safe from relegation yet, but last weekend’s last-minute comeback against Juventus showed the Elefanti are willing to do just about anything to stay away from Serie B (and, possibly, that silly referees are willing to help in this endeavor, but really only conspiracy theorists are going to think that). Cagliari really have no impetus to win, which is possibly why they allowed Alessio Cerci to have his way with them last week. Prediction: Catania are safe.

Parma have practically pulled themselves to safety, and it’s due to one man: Amauri. That statement is good enough to stand on its own.

Are Udinese trying their best to stay out of the Champions League so they can sell off Alexis Sanchez and get a bundle of cash in return? The zebrette, so long the best team of 2011, have lost three of their last four matches. Now they have to face the Viola, who want nothing more in life than to add to their point total by one by one. But for the sake of those who have no desire to watch any additional Lazio matches next season, please, Fiorentina, do Udinese a favor.

Well of course it’s the match to watch. Who cares if most of a rossoneri match involves players constantly missing a target? For awhile that’s pretty amusing at least. But then Milan go and win and everyone gets sad. Expect no deviation from the script this week, except perhaps a background wailing and gnashing of teeth by Napoli and Inter supporters.

20:45 CET, 2:45 PM ET

Bari were officially relegated last weekend, rendering these last four matches absolutely irrelevant. So is it even reasonable to expect anything but a Roma win? The answer to that question likely depends on just how determined Mirko Vučinić is to miss the target. Or possibly on whether the club plans on following the example of coach Vincenzo Montella. Roma still have an outside shot at the Champions League, but chances are they’ll continue to stumble instead.

Monday

20:45 CET, 2:45 PM ET

Yeah...I don’t know why it’s on Monday either, except perhaps to allow as many people as possible the thrill of placing bets on how long it takes until a Lazio player gets sent off. Personally, I spend the entirety of every Juve match either wondering what on earth Miloš Krasić is thinking or trying to determine why Alessandro Matri does not yet star in his own Maybelline commercial. As long as the Roman thugs don’t take out either of those two, the match will fascinate.

*please note I did take the trouble of doing some math later in the preview. That’s how much I love you guys.