Six new events have been added to the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, the highest-profile of which will probably end up being women’s ski-jumping. This is an exciting development for young women with death wishes around the globe, and means we get to bring up one of our favorite quotes on the subject, from International Ski Federation president Gianfranco Kasper:
Women’s Ski Jumping At The Winter Olympics: It’s A Trap
“Don’t forget, it’s like jumping down from, let’s say, about two meters on the ground about a thousand times a year, which seems not to be appropriate for ladies from a medical point of view,” Kasper said in a 2005 NPR interview repeated in a 2006 ABC report on the eve of the Torino Games.Very true! But why else has ski jumping for women taken so very long to take off? (Sorry.) SB Nation’s Holly Anderson and Spencer Hall examine the top 20 obvious dangers.
Holly: 1. Well, first of all, because women are always late!
Spencer: 2. Uteruses might fall out.
Holly: 3. May induce accidental orgasms.
Spencer: 4. May induce intentional orgasms.
Holly: 5. “White Women Can’t Jump” doesn’t scan well for a sequel title.
Spencer: 6. Awkward moment when they ask their male coaches to carry everything for them prior to taking the ramp, because this outfit doesn’t have pockets, you see.
Holly: 7. Depending on competition location, successful competitors risk being burned as witches when seen in flight.
Spencer: 8. Might catch the idea of “being able to vote” flying around up there!
Holly: 9. Cannot ski while barefoot or pregnant, can you now!
Spencer: 10. May get pregnant by wind spirit if she jumps at midnight on a Tuesday [via crazy-ass old wives’ tale].
Spencer: 11. Will injure skull and neck muscles hitting glass ceiling.
Holly: 12. Petticoats will interfere with safe ski lift operation.
Spencer: 13. May crash after being distracted by babies or shiny jewelry in the audience.
Holly: Wouldn’t that be a plus? Maybe they should allow distractions for the first Olympics. Just to see if the ladies can cut it. [holds up sign reading EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK] = [HUGE MIDAIR COLLISION]
Holly: 14. Risk of ostracization, accidental unnecessary domestic abuse interventions when jumpers show up at work with bruises and insist they fell off the top of a 30-foot loblolly pine.
Spencer: 15. Will enrage male competitors by forcing them to land in “the friendzone.”
Holly: 16. With risk of death, will reduce available female population to clean locker rooms at Augusta National.
Spencer: 17. If it’s like women’s basketball, we’ll have to listen to all this crap about how awesome their fundamentals are.
Holly: 18. HOW CAN THEY PARK THEMSELVES FROM A GREAT HEIGHT WHEN THEY CANNOT EVEN PARK A CAR, I ASK YOU.
Spencer: 19. Could result in a Katherine Heigl movie about a ski jumper who just can’t find the right guy, but who then meets a male jumper whose cockiness first repels her, but over time and tribulation they come to love each other OH GOD THIS IS A REAL ARGUMENT AGAINST THIS HAPPENING.
Holly: 20. Will encourage proliferation of Olympic comedy routines. “You ever notice how women ski jump all ‘EEE AW EEE AWW’ and men ski jump like ‘AOOGA AOOGA?’” [blows kazoo]
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