The Sun Life Streaker: Full Analysis Of The Antics Of A Naked Man

On Wednesday night, a man streaked during the Marlins-Cubs game. How does his feat stack up against The Greatest Of All Time, or the last five fans to storm the field at Fenway Park? Let’s find out.

And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, and I hid myself.

And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked?

- Genesis 3:9-11

I have always found it interesting that according to the best-selling mystery thriller The Bible, we wear clothes not for practical purposes, but simply because we were/are ashamed of ourselves. This gentleman, who found himself in Miami’s Pro Players Park on Wednesday evening, was clearly ashamed of nothing.

Now, to be fair, not many saw him, as the middle of the diamond at the Marlins’ Sun Life Stadium offers nearly as much privacy as your bathroom. (A joke at the expense of people who don’t exist! Burn!) Those who did see him, however, were treated to the spectacle of a man who actively and simultaneously rejected multiple social mores. Anyone who can do that without shedding blood or tears is to be commended or, at the very least, respected.

The above image is the thumbnail of a YouTube video of the incident, which as since been taken down. If you’re the sort that recoils at the sight of nudity, don’t worry, because this video was recorded from a long-distance vantage point.

I have come to the unfortunate conclusion, however, that his act suffered from the same one-dimensionality that tends to plague most streakings. Yes, you took off your clothes and you ran. And then what? Is that your entire plan? To the map, please.

A shifting trapezoid formation was deployed by stadium security. And given the massive left-field flank, that was plenty. By the time Naked Gentleman in Question made it to shallow center field, his options were few. In an act of resignation, he ran directly toward a guard. No streaker of whom I am aware has run directly at a security guard with success.

So that’s it, then. A spectacular display of exhibitionism, but what we have here is all appearance and no action. You entertained the (announced) crowd of 14,422, to be sure, but you left them with nothing to think about, no alternate paths to draw out, no dreams to explore. Just a lonely ding-dong, whipping rudderless in the Miami breeze.

Remember that I will never suggest, friend, that you run on a baseball field without clearance, whether clothed or otherwise. Also remember that if you do, I will offer a fair and unflinching critique. Do not think I will unconditionally applaud and endorse your achievement. Sometimes, nothing will await you but a pair of handcuffs, a cold, sterile group cell, and the terrifying uncertainty of not knowing when you will leave. Not every place is first place.

That said, best of luck to you.