Jill Seward at NESN has posted a roundup of some of the things Red Sox enthusiasts have opted to throw on the field at Fenway Park. In addition to being a particularly expressive lot, these folks use a variety of missiles.
Could You Sustain Yourself Using Only Materials Fans Throw On The Field?
My question is this: could a person sustain one’s self using only consumables and other materials that are thrown on the field by Red Sox fans? Let’s pool together our survivalist skills and find out.
YOUR INVENTORY
(according to the NESN report)
- Money (presumably coins). Currency is useless. You cannot bribe the rainclouds above, and you cannot rent a cooking fire.Batteries. In tandem with the coins, you might have something going on here, unless they’re all nickels. If you’re thrown enough coins, you could conceivably construct an apparatus of sorts that would connect a battery’s positive terminal with its negative terminal. Surround it with kindling, and stand a good 50 feet away. If you’re lucky, the battery will overheat to such a degree that surrounding materials will catch fire.Syringe. If you encounter Barry Bonds in the wilderness and wish to jeer him, you could throw it at him.
- Beer. Empty calories are still calories. If you wish to remain relatively sober (in the wilderness one is never truly sober), heat it with your battery-fire to cook away the alcohol.
- Pizza. Beer and pizza. Welcome to every party in America since 1988. (Note: this wasn’t actually thrown on the field, but at another fan, which suggests that a fan could be every bit as inclined to throw it on the field.)
My conclusion is that if you do find yourself helplessly marooned in the Fenway Park outfield, you may very well be able to survive indefinitely. The “I don’t get it, why wouldn’t you just leave the field” question is beyond the scope of this discussion.
P.S. Yes, this does make my second Red Sox fans-specific commentary in as many days. Not intentional. Also, while I teeter on the brink of endorsing running on the field so long as nobody gets hurt, I certainly do not endorse the throwing of things at people. Don’t do it, jerks.)
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