If you could build a bullpen by appropriating any reliever you wanted for this season, and this season alone, you’d probably cheat and just grab the seven best closers. Mop-up man: Brian Wilson. Long relief: Craig Kimbrel. That sort of thing. That’s why no one likes you.
Building The Ultimate Bullpen
And that’s not fun. Instead, it’d be more interesting to fill a bullpen with the best pitchers who correspond to these generic descriptions of what most bullpens aspire to include:
Closer - Guy who comes into the ninth inning to a Morbid Angel song or something.
Right-handed setup - Could be the closer if needed; good against lefties, and murder on righties.
Left-handed setup - Same as above, but with reverse splits.
LOOGY - You might get away with him against righties, but he’s usually just in for one left-handed batter.
Right-handed middle reliever - Same as the above, with reverse splits. He can’t be completely useless against lefties because he’s more likely to stay in the game for a complete inning than a LOOGY.
Completely forgettable guy - He comes in around the sixth inning. Maybe the seventh. He’s okay. You kind of forgot he was on the team. He asks for the business section of the paper you’re reading, and then he returns it and says, “Hey, thanks.”
Mop-up man - Usually a pretty bad pitcher, but one you need to feel comfortable leaving out there for five innings if your team is getting blown out in the first game of a doubleheader.
Closer: Just this year, remember. It’s tempting to take Craig Kimbrel despite a short record of proven success because a good closer should make hitters look stupid. Kimbrel does.
But until his arm turns into a fine powder, the answer is always, always, always Mariano Rivera. He’s had an ERA above 2.00 once in the past nine seasons. Relievers are volatile, unpredictable things. The all-time exception is Rivera.
Right-handed setup: The idea of strict lefty/righty setup men is a little silly, but so is modern usage in general. This whole post is ridiculous. But it’s nice to have two options for the eighth inning. If you’re facing McCann/Heyward/Freeman, you can bring in the lefty. If you’re facing Pujols/Holliday/Freese, you can bring in the right-hander. Nothing set in stone, just a nice option.
Or you could just get Mike Adams, who hasn’t allowed a baserunner in two seasons. That’s a good pick.
Left-handed setup: Jonny Venters has a 91.4% ground ball rate this season. He throws a 94-MPH sinker, and he’s allowed one home run in his career against 407 batters faced. It was to Joey Votto, and the Braves won anyways. If there’s a mark against him, it’s that he doesn’t have pinpoint command, but that’s like complaining that the hood ornament on a Jaguar isn’t perfectly to scale.
LOOGY and ROOGY: Arthur Rhodes can get righties out, but he’s at his best against lefties. No one will ever forget how he shut down Mel Ott in the ‘36 Series. Over his career, lefties have hit .214/.281/.317 against him. Put him in for a batter, take him out when it's done.
And while Sergio Romo can stay in against left-handed hitters, he’s the perfect guy to bring into a game with two outs, the bases loaded, and a right-handed hitter up. His control is sublime (a career BB/9 of 2.2 and dropping) and he’s a strikeout artist. He’s actually fared a little better against lefties over his career (.538 OPS compared to a .582 OPS against righties), but the 6.76 K/BB ratio against righties is ridiculously impressive.
Completely forgettable guy: This is a tricky one. You think about someone like Chris Ray, but he’s been too bad at times to be completely forgettable. Trever Miller’s platoon splits are too wide. Someone went and made Brandon Lyon and Ryan Franklin closers for some reason.
So this one goes to Scott Linebrink. It’s been five-plus years since his last truly good year, but it’s not like he’s been awful since then. He’s just ... been.
Mop-up man: There will be no debate on this one. Tim Wakefield. Down by 10 in the first game of a doubleheader? Tim Wakefield. Up by 12 with a tired bullpen? Tim Wakefield. Wind him up and watch him throw 150 pitches. If he stinks, he stinks, but at least you aren’t throwing Venters out there for the fifth day in a row.
It might not be the best bullpen ever assembled, but it would be the bullpenniest bullpen ever assembled. Just a bunch of guys who are perfect for specific categories, which means we wouldn’t have to waste time doing a lot of thinking while managing. That thinking stuff hurts. It hurts bad.
See More:
